THER TEEKER JEEBS!

Today I am blogging about you! Some of you. Maybe not you but you, definately.

WTF!

So it has been known to us for many months that the company I work for is up for sale. The California operation has already been sold. We have just been waiting for the last few months to find out who will be buying the company. Not that it really mattered. 6 out of 7 potential buyers have no need for the staff in this office and are interested only in the facility and our customers. The 1 buyer who really would have needed us was the one with the least money, power, and time. Therefore it was already a given that we were all going to get laid off. Last Friday we got the official word that the frontrunner, and also our main competitor, has purchased us and after the franchise agreements go through we are going to get laid off. We weren't actually told we would be laid off. We were told that the new employer would be keeping key people in key departments (field techs and those who operate the equipment). It didn't really matter because even if they wanted to keep us they pay thier tech and cust. serv. reps half of what we make. None of this was any kind of surprise. If there was anyone who didn't know they were getting laid off FOR SURE before last Friday they must not have ever stopped to think about it. I also can not understand that anyone is surprised that it is our main competitor that purchased us. They can spend millions of dollars over the next few years to chase us by upgrading thier network to still only have 50% of the market share; all the while subsidizing the operation by charging higher prices in the surrounding markets. On the other hand they could purchase us, have a ready made fiber/coax hybrid network, avoid the upgrade, have 100% of the market share and begin to level off prices in surrounding areas while bringing prices in this market up to the level they are charging elsewhere. The cost/benefit analysis comes up HUGE on the side of them doing everything they can make sure this sale goes through ASAP. None of that, really, is what is annoying me. What IS annoying me is that everyone is talking about it with wide eyes and conspiratorial whisperings as if it's something new. WAKE UP people! You are going to be LAID OFF! FIRED! NO JOBSKIE! It's all talked out! It's tired! It's over! Some of us are just riding this out for the 2 month vacation sponsored by our severence checks. Some of us aren't even waiting for that. People are already leaving! Maureen is gone. Denise is putting in her two weeks today (I don't know that. You don't know that. You didn't read that here). If you haven't already updated your resume you are living with your head in the sand. When someone breaks into your house and you pretend to be aspleep because you are scared you can lay there and watch them open the jewelry box and start taking jewelry out. You could reasonable assume at that point that he is stealing your jewelry. Or you could follow the Astound model, apparently, and wait for him to actually jump out the window with your jewely in his pocket before you decide. Why make a value judgement. Why not wait until he sells it to the pawn shop before you really make a final call. I mean maybe he was just admiring it, right? He'll bring it back. He breaks into houses and admires jewelry. Why the fuck not.

Gotta Keep Things Interesting Right?

Sometimes, during the monotony of the 9 to 5, you have to do the little things to amuse yourself right? (Especially when you are trying to debug your own code). Sometimes I think I'm such a Futurama Dork...oh well, no use fighting it. I gotta be me!!!! though I won't be yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs on television like some chemically imbalanced Celebrities who shall remain nameless! (Good thing he knows Psychiatry).

Speaking of Futurama...I am anxiously awaiting Fox to announce the go ahead for the Straight to DVD Full Length Movies. I about fell out of my chair when I read Billy West's quotes about the very real possiblity of Futurama coming to the little big screen. One can only hope. In the meantime, I'll have to amuse myself with my own little Futurama-ish Musings...

I'll Take Your Goats, and Raise You a Baboon

I read this news article the other day about former President Clinton getting offered 40 goats and 20 cows for Chelsea Clinton's hand in marriage. Apparently, that is the traditional African way of getting a woman's hand in marriage. It seems that after some slick diplomatic protocol Clinton was able to decline the offer graciously.

Makes me think though...IF Clinton believed in the Kenyan way of treating women as property, what would it take for him to have taken the offer that was put on the table? Well, according to the article, 40 goats and 20 cows is a very good dowry...but given Clinton's past experience I think they would have had to throw in a naive Kenyan intern, a blue dress and a presidential cigar.

Apparently Chelsea has way too much going for her to be wooed by such methods. However, if that Kenyan Official waits patiently, he may be able to use his tactics on a freshly brainwashed Katie Holmes after the kool aid wears off.

These Mother F*ck*rs don't even try anymore.

From Sunday military release:
" 'The terrorists are attacking the infrastructure, the ISF and all of Iraq. They are enemies of humanity without religion or any sort of ethics. They have attacked my community today and I will now take the fight to the terrorists,' said one Iraqi man who preferred not to be identified."


From July 13 military release:
"'The terrorists are attacking the infrastructure, the children and all of Iraq,' said one Iraqi man who preferred not to be identified. 'They are enemies of humanity without religion or any sort of ethics. They have attacked my community today and I will now take the fight to the terrorists.' said an anonymous Iraqi man."


It used to be that when the Military was making up shit for the purposes of propaganda they would at least try to make it seem like it wasn't completely made up and manufactured. The quotes themselves already smack of "prepared statement" but then when they start recylcing them it becomes so God damned obvious I can't explain how the prick who thought the American public would believe didn't spontaneously combust. Oh... wait... the American public is that stupid. DAMN IT! Well I'm not that stupid. I hope you aren't. In case you are: THE GOVERMENT LIES TO YOU! Now George Bush has admitted that there is no link between Al-Queda and Iraq but there are still people running around using that link to support the war. We now know the information Colin Powell presented to the U.N. Security Council was, false, fabricated, misleading, unresearched, hearsay, and flat out bullshit. Colin Powell has said so himself. People are still using this as justification for the war, however. For some reason middle America only hears what it wants to hear. He's a moral president because of his conservative Christian values. Bullshit. Did you forget about his military service (or lack of), his DUI, his cocaine conviction, his WAR? FUCK YOU middle America. I hope your Ridalin encrusted children commit suicide. I'm so angry today.

Burn PETA down!

Now any of you wmart enough to have added Penn & Teller Bullshit (monday nights on Showtime) to your DVR recording schedule won't find any of this to be surprising but Something Dirty brought this to my attention and I will share it with you. Keep in mind, as you read this, that this is the same group that has its volunteers protest animal euthanasia outside Animal Control buildings and Humane Society buildings across the United States.

"ETHICAL" DEFINED: After more than 100 dead dogs were dumped in a trashdumpster over four weeks, police in Ahoskie, N.C., kept an eye on thetrash receptacle behind a supermarket. Sure enough, a van drove up andofficers watched the occupants throw in heavy plastic bags. Theydetained the two people in the van and found 18 dead dogs in plasticbags in the dumpster, including puppies; 13 more dead dogs were stillin the van. Police say the van is registered to the headquarters ofPeople for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, and the two occupants,Andrew B. Cook, 24, and Adria Joy Hinkle, 27, identified themselves asPETA employees. An autopsy performed on one of the dogs found it washealthy before it was killed. Police say PETA has been picking up theanimals -- alive -- from North Carolina animal shelters, promising tofind them good homes. Cook and Hinkle have been charged with 62 felonycounts of animal cruelty. In response to the arrests PETA PresidentIngrid Newkirk said it's against the group's policy for employees todump animals in the trash, but "that for some animals in NorthCarolina, there is no kinder option than euthanasia." (Roanoke-ChowanNews-Herald) ...Oops, my mistake: that's "Playing God" Defined.

Next time you see a PETA protestor walk up, whip it out, and piss all over him.

I'm Learnding....

In the Beginning There was Apple...and then another giant named IBM joined the fray. In their wake lay a bunch of little insignificant computer companies in the late seventies and early eighties like Commodore, Atari, and the likes. And then there was one little computer that came out called the Coleco Adam...It's biggest claim to fame unfortunately came well after it's demise on an episode of The Simpsons when Gil the Salesman tried to sell a bunch of Coleco's to Principal Skinner after the school came into Oil Money. "Gotta get rust protection...those Coleco's will rust up on you like...awwwww...come on Gil...Make the sale.."

My experience with this little piece of history was more personalized than a TV reference though. Right around the time I started becoming interested in computer (LONG before Al Gore invented the internet, and back in the day when Bill Gates was still stealing Operating Systems to license to IBM for their "PC-DOS" product) my Dad purchased a brand spanking new Adam computer to pique my interest in these new fangled machines. I was elated...this machine could do EVERYTHING...80K of memory, 16 color graphics...could word process AND play Buck Rogers off the high speed tape drive! (Whackly has fond memories of the two of us playing that game for hours in my room).

I guess it could be said that this machine was my gateway to the computer era. It was hard to forsee way back then the influence and dependence computer technology has become on every facet of society. There's hardly a day that goes by that I don't consider myself fortunate to live in the technological era (geez, what would I have done in the stone ages?) of today...So cheers to the Adam...you may be old unimpressive by today's standards, but you will never be forgotten.

Hotter Than Robot Hell!

This summer has been extraordinarily hot and dry, but this weekend has been the summit on the mountain by far. Temperatures today in Chicago reached as high as 103 degrees. It almost feels like we are taking a trip to visit Robot Hell! No relief in sight...as temperatures tomorrow will be just as warm as today. I feel sorry for those around that have no Air Conditioning, as this heat is definitely deadly. Stay cool everyone!

I would like to take some time to personally welcome the audience of the Suppository to Whackly and Myself's little piece of cyberspace. Make sure to check back often as we try and keep our content fresh and entertaining.

Critters 3: Vertical Frown

Imagine (I'm going somewhere so actually imagine it, damn it) a big scoop of the richest dark chocolate ice cream known to man. Imagine it sits in a blender. On top of are two oreo cookies, two peanut butter cups, and a frozen caramel bar. Imagine that you grab a wooden spoon and chop at the candies until they are broken in two and then pour in a cup of chocolate milk. You fire up the blender on hyperdeath speed until you have a nice foamy partially frozen mousse-like result with little tiny bits of brown goodness floating around in it. Mmmmm. Imagine, though, that this is your 8th milkshake today. The thrill is gone. Imagine that it has peanuts and apple peels and stuff floating in it all of the sudden. Then you notice that it smells like deviled eggs and and the drain under the autopsy table. Imagine that it isn't in the blender but in the toilet. And your ass hurts like you just crapped out a Case IH backhoe covered in muratic acid. Can somebody please tell me a brand of toilet paper that is as soft as Charmin Ultra but doesn't leave little white critters on everything it touches?

Welcome Ass Pills!

Way to go Stu! Not just a link but an accurate description! Unfortunately not much sticks but I keep throwing shit anyway. If you get tired of reading my bitchy rants try clicking on this to give yourself a break from reality with Infertile Vertical. I have invited Stu to be a contributor but he, thus far, has not accepted. I suppose he is busy with his own gig. If you are someone who likes the pictures with captions on the Suppository home page you will immediatly recognize where the idea for Infertile Vertical was stolen from. In more news: It's Saturday and I don't have to work. That NEVER happens. So someone called in (having a baby) and so now I have been invited to go in and help out for some nice OT. I am conflicted about this. I have already done my time in the dungeon this week but I also have an insatiable need for money. I'm tied up until noon so I have until then to figure it out. I really should have built that robot doppleganger. What a poor introduction for Suppository fans. Let me finish up with an example of what sort of thing can usually be found here. I hate [insert someone who sucks here] with all of my withered soul. Fuck [sucky someone], fuck them right in the ear. [Insert obtuse hyperbole] and [add bizare metaphoric euphamism of a sexual nature] and then [insert satisfying method of death].

Underwater Basket Weaving For The New Millenium

Remember when the running joke about powder puff college classes were about underwater basket weaving? I ran into this online course syllabus the other day at Middle Tennessee State University for a course in Popular Culture which consists of the study of popular television and movies. Not to be judgemental of this course (I'm sure it has it's merits) but is seems like it could be one of those courses that the captain of the football team takes to keep his GPA over idiot status so that he can throw them there touchdowns for the big homecoming game. Or, just possibly it's a course to lure the Katie Holmes Types (you know the ones that think things like Scientology and dating an Old Fossil of a man are good ideas) to the academic world. Sorry Katie, doesn't look like Dawson's Creek is in the syllabus so you may have to study.

The academic experience is being diluted more everyday it seems. Trends continue to point to the college education as more of a requirement in the future. I guess classes like this one (and the soon to be announced Beer Bonging 101 The Greek System For Dummies) allow everyone to achieve success in college...even Katie Holmes...ok, I take that back...maybe not.

It's funny but will it get them off their tractors?

I was double checking my belief that "inethical" is not a word so I typed it into google.com. Of course it asked me if I meant "unethical" and confirmed my belief but then I noticed the 2nd search result. I clicked it and found this. It is, without a doubt, the stupidest thing I have ever read in my life with only one possible exception. I once began to read Dianetics just so I would know what it's all about. That may have been stupider. I feel like I am being bombarded with constant reminders that we are all going to die horribly at the hands of our respective governments.

Oh My Christ! Just gouge my fucking eyes out and piss in the sockets!

This is a follow up to the article by the New Zealander I posted the other day. It's infuriating.


Actual Reuters Title for the Article: "Get ready to email this one to your friends..."

LONDON (Reuters) - The word "fail" should be banned from use in British classrooms and replaced with the phrase "deferred success" to avoid demoralizing pupils, a group of teachers has proposed.
Members of the Professional Association of Teachers (PAT) argue that telling pupils they have failed can put them off learning for life.
A spokesman for the group said it wanted to avoid labeling children. "We recognize that children do not necessarily achieve success first time," he said.
"But I recognize that we can't just strike a word from the dictionary," he said.


picture courtesy google.com image search (search word "retarded")

Who's Dumber-er?

Hollywood really projects glorified views of reality. In the movies heroes are supermen that cannot be reckoned with, and villians are clever and always seems to get away...at least until the end of the movie. I read an article today which makes me believe that real life criminals don't even remotely resemble the Hollywood villian.

A guy walked into a popular fast food restaurant and told the manager behind the counter that he was robbing the place. The manager goes to tell the crook that the cash drawer can't be opened without making a sale. The crook thinks about it for a minute and orders an egg and sausage biscuit sandwich. The manager replies "Sorry, we are no longer selling breakfast today." Flustered, the crook walks out the door.

Apparently this guy was delt a short hand when they were handing out brains. I've seen plants that have a higher IQ than this person. Although who knows...on the other hand the manager was either extremely brave, or just as dumb or dumber than the crook, risking life and limb in total disregard of the manual override on the register itself.

So here's the question. Who's Dumberer in this story?

1. The Crook (Shouldn't take no for an answer)

2. The Manager (How did you make it off the fry cooker without learning to operate the register)

3. Tom Cruise (It's Scientology Ba-By YEAH!)

4. Katie Holmes (I'm just a no talent actress, with no career and no convictions of my own. When Tom tells me to believe I ask "How Far?")

Customer's still suck.

I don't know how stupid you have to be to live in Contra Costa County California but apparently it's pretty damned stupdid. For every dumb person in Contra Costa County there seem to be 2 more in India at dell tech support, 2 at best buy, and teenage nephews all of whome cannot seem to be able to give competant pc support.


To all my customers. Damn you. Damn you all to hell. Every single one of you calls in and automatically assumes the problem is ours and then when (99.999 times out of 100) it isn't you don't believe me. Then you call Dell. They fuck it up 'cause that's what they do. You call me back and it's the same problem as before and the only difference between this call and the last one is that on the 2nd call I hate you. I hate you! No internet for you! Not because you are stupid (don't get me wrong... you are) but because you are a pompous, egotistical, overly dramatic, victim playing, snotty dick weed. I hate you becaue if you had just shut up long enough to listen to me the first time your problem would already be fixed and you wouldn't be acting like an ass towards me on your 2nd call. I hope you die in a fire.

Mental Fiber, Good For The Brain

Whackly and myself decided that it was time to get a logo for this little blog of ours and lo and behold, after toiling over idea after idea we're proud to announce the official "Mental Fiber" Logo.

When asked to comment, Dr. John Zoidberg said "Mental Fiber is loaded with good for the brain substance without all the patronizing sugar coating. Mental Fiber, when viewed daily provides a healthy amount of "delta" brain wave activity, while not not exactly good for warding off the brain spawn...hey guys, you said I would get a free meal out of this right?????"

--Mental Fiber, Jerk Prunes for your brain

Nothing is ever anyone's fault. Let's all wear matching grey suits and get bar code tatoos.

This was written by a New Zealander but it is prescisely relevant.

Victim Culture Puts Paid to a Sense of Responsibility
By Lindsay Mitchell
Many would share Peter Kammler's impression of society, that "every day we are sinking deeper into the quicksand." He blames values and goals destroyed or distorted by advertising, the lubricant of the market economy.
I read this astonishing claim whilst waiting for a bus. A friend parked at his nearby shop. Seeing me waiting for the bus he ambled over and asked if I was without a car for the day, and did I want to borrow his? He didn't need it as he would be working in the shop all day.
This set me to wondering about his values. I was tempted to ask him how much TV he watched - obviously not enough, because his values seemed intact.
This sort of kindness and generosity isn't rare, but homes without TV are. We are all exposed to advertising but we don't all let ourselves be manipulated by what is good only for the advertiser, thereby losing our own capacity to make an ethical judgement.
For most of us advertising is merely a tool we use for information. By letting us know about products or sales, it increases competitive pressures on producers. And that increased competition brings down prices saving us all some money.
The societal ills Kammler describes such as failing education, rising violence, health scandals and crumbling infrastructure feature a common denominator ; the state - not private enterprise. It is the state which has most recently been responsible for setting our values and goals, not the market.
We tend to trivialise political correctness but it's effects are serious. State school curricula and teachers are often too politically correct. I recently overheard a teacher aide admonishing two young children for "comparing" things. "It's not nice to compare things," she said, obviously concerned that one might get upset if they came off badly in the process. But did she realise the significance of what she had said? We learn by comparing.
Judging is also out of favour. Judgement is now a nasty concept thanks to moral relativism. Things aren't better, or worse, just different. A short step from this thinking is, behaviours aren't right or wrong, just the result of circumstances beyond one's control. A dogmatic reluctance to hurt a child's pride early in life can lead that child to grow up and hurt a lot more than just other people's feelings.
Then we have rising violence. What value does the violent criminal lack? He (or she) certainly has no fear of consequences. He probably copied the violent behaviour of his parents and found the system made excuses for him because it was their fault. He learned to blame, young. He discovered that as a 'victim' of his upbringing there were no end of people prepared to cut him more slack.
The thinking coming out of public-sector academia and permeating the education system, social services and courts has contributed far more to rising violence than have advertisers and PR and marketing companies. Writer and psychiatrist, Dr Theodore Dalrymple describes this best;
"Most of the social pathology exhibited by the underclass has it's origin in ideas that have filtered down from the intelligensia." In his book Life at the Bottom, whether his subject is sexual relations, alcoholism and drug addiction, marital abuse or attitudes toward education, Dalrymple finds an essential self-deception at work amongst his patients. He finds an elite culture searching for victims. This culture persuades those at the bottom that they have no responsibility for their actions and are not the molders of their own lives.
These 'victims' are a huge cost on the rest of society. As their numbers grow, so does the state sector. At one end, it is busy producing more 'victims' by paying people to have children and at the other, it is frantically busy growing the armies of social workers, health workers, court staff, police, counsellors, prison staff, etc who try, in vain, to contain the havoc wreaked by the 'victims'.
We get the 'health scandals' because the state insists on a largely nationalised health system. With all the money being poured into producing and containing 'victims' it is hardly surprising that little is left to run hospitals efficiently. We get the 'crumbling infrastructure' because the state insists on managing the roads. Again we know that the money we pay to build and maintain roads is going elsewhere.
So when Peter Kammler concludes that we must reassert our prerogative to set our values and goals by political process I shudder. The only political process most are ever involved in, is the general election. Most have already allowed the state's influence over their thinking to go so far that they will only vote for more of the same anyway. It is as though they are suffering from a sort of 'battered' spouse syndrome and keep going back for more.
John Stuart Mill wrote in On Liberty, 1859; "A state that dwarfs its men......will find that, with small men, no great things can really be accomplished."
Peter Kammler draws an analogy between socialism and capitalism. They are two patients, he says: one has died and the other is not feeling too well.
State socialism hasn't died at all. It is still alive and kicking - kicking the guts out of productive, hardworking New Zealanders.

Athletes, Cameras and Press Oh My....

Texas Rangers Pitcher Kenny Rogers turned himself into authorities today over assault and battery charges for an incident where the pitcher went on a rampage pushing down a cameraman and breaking his camera during the pregame activities a few weeks ago. This is just the latest incident of a coddled and spoiled athlete acting out in such a way that is reminiscent of a spoiled kid whos has no boundaries.

I can see how a sport like boxing would be proned to this type of behavior...I mean ear biting , head butting, low punching...these activites would be instinct in a real fight on the street, so I could see how it might happen in the heat of the moment. But Baseball???? This is suppose to be a non-contact sport where a guy can get thrown out of a game for "intent" (intent to bean a batter). After hearing about this incident I can safely say no professional sport is safe from this kind of thing. What's next, Tiger Woods wrapping a 9 iron around a spectator because they took a picture in his backswing? Soon you will see Kasparov Throwing chess pieces across the table in the newest sport "full contact chess".

I think the worst thing about the incident is that Kenny wasn't hurt in his little temper tantrum. It seems like baseball players get hurt doing the stupidest activities these days. Like earlier this year a pitcher on the Cubs got his pinkie finger stuck in a recliner chair in the clubhouse. He fractured it and was placed on the Disabled List. If justice would have prevailed Kenny would have torn ligaments in his pitching shoulder while he was playing push-ies in front of 40,000 baseball fans.

If only this would have happened to him...

A pitcher for the Red Sox in the 1920's named Clarence "Climax" Blethen often kept his false teeth in his back pocket. During a game, he slid into second base and his false teeth bit him in the ass. Ah...one can only dream!

You should see his right hand man.

"This is coming down the pike at us real quick," Democrat Mark Warner of Virginia said about the complex new policy changes, which governors say will unfairly force them to pay part of Bush's new prescription drug benefit.


I hate it when people use the wrong words in common everyday phrases. Every time I see it on T.V. or in print we all just pretend like we didn't see it. Indeed, maybe some of you didn't. The proper phrase is "Coming down the pipe." PIPE! A pike is a fish, a spear, or a diving move. I suppose you could mean "Coming down the pike." as "Coming down the spear." but that would imply that whatever it is has been skewered and is dead. Learn to fucking talk people! Also, "admittedly" does not have a "b" in it and "combined" only has one "ed" on the end. Furthermore, correctly spoken, the phrased "He is a pompoused ass." would actually be "He is a pompous ass." The word "Pompous" is an adjective not a verb.

I don't even have the words.

This has got to be the work of the KKK. Who else? I'm so angry I couldn't even begin to properly complain. Just read the article and join me in horror and disgust.

Back to normal.

I have decided that the photo blitzkrieg is over. However it was too much fun to do. So I will continue to do so, at a more maintainable pace, at Infertile Vertical (a sister site to Mental Fiber which will focus on random silliness and leave Mental Fiber for more Team Engrish style coverage.

HOLY COW...Cubs Win?

Yesterday I ended up going to the Chicago Cubs Game at Wrigley Field. It was a gorgeous day for baseball, and it definitely beat the alternative. It was a capacity crowd, and the fans were a little disallusioned by the Pirates jumping out to the early lead in the ball game. Because, as a Cubs fan, one of the earliest lessons we learn is not to get our hopes up to win games, God forbid win a World Series. (The last time a Cubs team did that was 96 years ago)! Well, as luck would have it, the Cubs not only came back in the game, but won easily! All in all a perfect end to the perfect day. Being a Cubs fan is all about tradition and the history of the game. They don't even have a jumbo-tron electronic scoreboard to entertain between innings...just the simple person operated scoreboard that uses ping pong balls to display the balls and strikes.

As much as being a Cubs fan is steeped in traditions, and there are many, probably the most important tradition of being a fan involves hating the "other" baseball club in Chicago, the White Sox. For many years, I was rather neutral to the whole mess, until I stopped to look around at all the White Sox Fans in this City that are jealous of their northside rivals. The reason stems to what I believe should be called "People Envy". No matter how bad the Cubs are year after year, they draw sell out crowds on a daily basis. The Sox however struggle to draw crickets to their games even though they are in first place in their league. They hate the Cubs and all they stand for. But not all is lost...Cubs Fans have united in recent years and really turn up the crosstown war up a skotch. Fan shirts like this caught my eye at the game yesterday...Classic!



Long Live the Cubs, and next year maybe here THIS year?????

Pursed lips hide giant gapped horse teeth.

Condi Rice will be headed back to the middle east soon to encourage Isaraelis and Palestinians to keep cool heads despite violent escalations in Gaza. A White House spokesman commented "We really needed to get her overseas for a while. You see, Bubba gave her a this expensive pearl necklace as a gift to commemorate a moment shared between the two in the oval office. He thought it was funny but her reaction did not reflect the levity intended by the president. We haven't quite figured out what it's all about but it was clear they needed some time apart."

I can see Emily from up here!

I was accused of only posting pictures of virile men and phallic symbols recently. Here's a bitch whose hole would be a wild ride. Good enough for ya?!

Where's Mark Furhman when you need him?

Round two of pressure from Democrats to act concerning Karl Christian Rove's alleged revelation of the identity of a C.I.A. operative came in the same day as the end of round one. Pressed for more than just idiotic recollections of office shenanigans Bush had this to say on the subject: "I want to see some actual irrefuteable proof that he's guilty before I fire him for what I already know he did!" After and agitated aide whispered in his ear he continued "He says I shouldn't say that but I don't care. You can't silence me. I'm the President of the United States of America and if I want to see some proof before I act I don't think I should be afraid to say so."

Who Farted?

A one time grocery store, in the process of demolishion to make room for a new hi-rise housing development in New York City, collapsed prompting the following inevitable response.

"I stepped out of my building and I heard a loud boom," said Racquel Gayle, who said she was about half a block from the site. "Everything rocked. I thought it was a terrorist bomb; people were running everywhere."

According to the Associated Press 5 victims and one rescuer were injured and there were no known fatalities. Reached for comment an Al-Queda spokesman quipped "I used to go to that store at 4 A.M. to buy Strawberry YO-J and Funyuns. We bought the supplies for our yearly barbeque at that store. The capitalist infidels that build on that land should be cursed and speedily meet their firey judgement!" He later added "Hey, you know sal? I used to hang out with his brother Mario. I got my first blow job from their little sister. Remember that IROQ-Z that Sal bought with his the money he got from his grandma's estate? Man, did we tear it up back then!"

Desperate Housewives

Rabid granola crunching soccer mom's search peer2peer services desperately for copies of stolen and scanned versions of the new Harry Potter novel. Susan of Newbury Conecticut (right) has taken her laptop to a local coffee shop to avoid publishers and the F.B.I. tracking her by her ip address. Asked why she would go to such lengths she remarked "Look at him. He's half retarded. If he doesn't have at least a 24 hour head start he will not finish the book along with the other children. The cruel mongrels will tear him apart at the seams. Imagine what hearing an 'ending spoiler' could do to a child his age! He could grow up to actually understand strife and humiliation as part of life instead of being the self-absorbed troglodyte with no concept of real consequenses we want him to be!"

The Ying Yang twins scrub project due to idealogical differences.

South Korea has decided to give North Korea the "silent treatment." South Korean Prime Minister Lee Hai Chan commented "Tell them we will talk to them again when they stop being poopyheads." Kim Jong Il replied "You know I can heal you! You don't need them to leray fol you! I'm so ronery! I miss the wintel in Khabalovsk!"

2 cooters, 2 hams, and a pizza face.

"It's outrageous!" says Cooter in reference to the new Hollywood send up of TV's ragingly nostalgic classic, 'Dukes of Hazzard.' "It's not family friendly at all and they left out all the feminist propaganda and pro-socialist double entendre!"

Rehnquist outruns spectre of Death.

Reached for comment Justice O'Connor remakred "His Kung Fu is strong!"

It's Bastille Day!!

Take that Frenchy!

Photos Blitzkrieg.

All photos from today's posts up to now belong to Reuters, AP, CNN, NASA, IMDB.com, or the individuals who took, posed for, and photoshopped them.

Let's light this candle!

Seriously! Just blow it up, already!

Pants with Butt Flaps.

Even now they still won't let him #2 in the clubhouse.

They had to flood Atlanta...

But they finally got that guy off the crane!

Our department was starting to gel as a team.

Even though it was her last day she really took the time to make everyone feel special.

















That shows true class.

T-minus way too damned long and counting.

Whatever dude, crash it!

The Tigris, the Euphraites and the Infertile Vertical

Doordolt once noted that a Google Image search for "Kelly Ripa" returned some interesting results. I had forgotten but I found out today it's still true. In fact when I did it today the 5th return was a picture of a man's ass. Now the "One of these things is not like the other." aspect of Doordolt's discovery is funny enough however today when I let EzMezzo in on the laugh he mentioned that the picutre of the man's ass was named "crackless." You can't really tell from the thumbnail on the search returns that there is anything amiss. Once Mezzo brought the name of the photo to my attention I decided to check it out. I found a picutre of a man's ass with no butt crack. No butt crack. Barely a dimple with a distended sphincter hanging off the bottom. I wanted to share this picture with everyone so you could also feel that synergy of nausea and levity that I love so dearly. It's like a nectarine with a butthole. It's like what a camel toe would be after foot binding.

I take it back. Tom Cruise is a pussy.

Thanks to EzMezzo for bringing this site to my attention. If you want to know just how crazy Tom Cruise is just watch the Australian 60 minutes video posted on Monday (the 11th).


Also, here's a quote from the site for Doordolt.

"Dear Tom Cruise,Your lack of belief in the existence of clinical depression tells me one thing: you didn’t spend $10. to see War Of The Worlds. If vitamins can possibly help me out of this spiraling funk, please let me know which ones. Dinos? Pebbles? Freds? Please, I’m crying out for help."
- Alton Brown, Good Eats

I drop the cruelest Krunk Juice, son! Check my flow. Unh...Unh...Mic Checka...

-My name is K... Unh...
-K to the Ofi
-I cut and weigh diplomats by the O-Z
-I'm on Jihad
-To bring Annan sense hope
-To 15 security
-N*gg*z shuffle and vote

He got viral meningitis and that's news. That's all. No punchline.

Tom Cruise was treated and released for a splinter, Wednesday. When reached for comment he said "Man that splinter hurt but I got through it. After all I'm not a big pussy like Brad Pitt."



O.K. I lied. There was a punchline.

Oh, just blow it up already!

I know I said I'd fire him but look at him back there. He's so cute! Yee-Haw!

We call him Rovey! Office cut-up. Shoulda' seen'm at Christmas. Nothin' but a gas mask on!

Jail? But all I did was hide and steal Billions!

I didn't know you could go to federal "pound me in the ass" prison for that!

Ooompa Loompa....whaaaaa?

Did anyone else see this picture of Britney Spears attending the premiere of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory? I guess a shirt like this was meant to turn some heads, and get some promotion for both the movie and for Ms. Federline. Personally, I'm thinking...where is that arrow pointing to? Ummmm...isn't this suppose to be a family show? "I have the golden ticket"???? I guess no surprises though, as Britney has become almost as "dirrrty" as Christina Aguilera now that she's all grown up. The photo brings back memories of the Star Wars a Lost Hope parody of EPT1138 saying "PEE ON THIS, MORE, MORE...KEEP IT COMING" one thing is for sure, she definitely is PREGGERS...

Between publicity like this and everyone comparing Depp's Willie Wonka to the child molestor formerly known as Michael Jackson, I'm not sure that this is very good news for Tim Burton's latest effort.

Talking to Whackly, and he was complaining about the heat in Minnehuvia...seems weird, because it's only 80 some degrees here in Chicago. Hmmmm...it's colder in the winter, and hotter in the summer... I am glad I am sitting here where it is only moderately unbearable most of the time.

Tomorrow is going to be a day off for me, as I'm going into the city to see the Cubs play at Wrigley Field. Being a Cubs fan is really difficult sometimes, because they haven't won squat in a zillion years. Wait till next year is a familiar saying in the late summer for us loyal fans. But, at least it's a day off of work, which will be good in itself, as long as the rain gods stay away it should be a lot of fun.

The winter of my discontent.

I could go on and on and on with every annoying thing I have witnessed in my 6 years in this place but that would take at least 80,000 words and so much obtuse allegory that only a semiotics major would enjoy it. Let's just review the last few days. It's not proof of how much it sucks in Minnesota but if you can empathize with me enought to imagine that this sort of minor occurence is constant and neverending here you can begin to get an idea. It's hot. It's hot like a 3rd world country. In fact impoverished 8-12 year old girls in guatemala would just plain refuse to sew Reeboks in this heat. They would strike. Here is some of the Minnesota Hot Dish from my ears to my fingers to you. There is a man on a farm who has noticed that he has an enormous aging bald eagle perched on a dead branch on the top of one of his elm trees. He realizes that this bird is probably why his farm cats have been dissappearing at the rate of about 1 cat per week. Rather than cut off the food supply and force the eagle to go elsewhere he keeps buying cats from the humane society and bringing them home. A co-worker has a sister who works in a flower shop. This flower shop was visited by a woman and her daughter who just happen to live behind the house my co-worker just moved in to. The sister of my co-worker says "Oh, you live right behind my sister! She just bought the house on the corner across the alley!" The woman replies, with malicious disdain, "Your sister is the MEXICAN that bought the house behind mine!?" I am sitting at my desk speaking about a case in my town where someone who had been pulled over attempted to run from the police but ended up dragging the officer who was caught on the car. The officer shot the man to stop the car and the suspect lived. The suspect is in critical condition. Some added that the suspect was black and that there was starting to be some backlash around town and some questions about whether the shooting was necessary. Another co-worker remaks "Good, I hope he fuckin' dies!" I didn't know what he meant by it but thought that in any light it was a bit too far and I said so. He laughed, smiled, backed off it a bit but subsequent conversation made it obvious to me that the comment was racially inspired. I cannot help but think that it was more than just a bit hypocritical since the person who made this alleged racist remark is an avid participator in many aspects of african-american culture including hip-hop, and other "cracker friendly" "blacktivities." A few days ago I was at Culver's and I ordered a bacon cheeseburger w/ only catsup. What I got was a hamburger with catsup, bacon and no cheese. Did they misunderstand and think that catsup only meant no cheese or bacon on the bacon cheeseburger but still screw that up and put bacon on or did they just plain forget that a cheeseburger should have cheese on it? Who knows. Today my wife brought me lunch. She got it at the restaurant she works at. They were cheeseburgers, no fries, and a diet coke. The cheeseburgers had stickers on them that said only light catsup and yet each one had onions, mustard, pickles and ,if you want to be a literal prick, cheese. My power was off today. There was no storm or atmospheric penomena to cause this. Apparently somebody just decided to lean against a wall somwhere so as to look cool when the office skank he fancies walked by and ended up shutting down the grid. I can't make it 5 blocks from home without witnessing at least 3 gross traffic violations. It's been proven with crash statistics and violation data that the area I live is 2nd only to Dallas Texas for bad drivers. I want to get that out there because many of you have thought I just needlessly complain and that the drivers here are no worse than anywhere else. I would also like to say that if you really do think that drivers here aren't that bad it probably means you are a bad driver. Sorry to break it to you like that. My wife's mother, a horrible and heinous succubus who could make even Odysseus upchuck and run like a cat with sand crab on it's tail, cleans a bar every morning. This bar is owned by her sister (not a succubus). This bar was recently broken inot. Desipite the fact that he has more airtight alabis than someone who was being DNA tested on the stage at Carnegi Hall at the time of the crime my wife's brother, a man who had problems with the law as a child but not as a man, was accused by his mother of commiting the robbery. There is no proof, evidence, or reason to suspect him it's just that when she thinks of crime her mind immediately turns to her own son. This woman, barely a mother even by lizard standards, has the flagrant hubris, immediately after accusing her son of a crime even a retarded earthworm could see he didn't commit, to ask him to buy her a CD because he didn't buy her anything for Mother's Day. Someday, if the audience so desires, I could write an uber-blog about his woman. She would be a great case study for a psychologist trying to make a name for himself (or herself you P.C. pedant). I know this didn't happen in my town but it's worth a mention. Doordolt mentioned this one to me yesterday but I saw it for myself last night. That "ghost hunter" lady on Penn & Teller Bullshit actually said she was teabagged by a ghost. Teabagged. The ghost was dipping his ghost balls in her mouth while she was sleeping. Had she been gargling warm water I imagine the ghost would have liked it more but as a ghost it's hard to communicate "I want you to gargle warm water while I dip my balls in your mouth." in whispered moans and bumping noises. I supposed you could write it in blood on the wall or something but then you have to have a permit from the Ministry of Haunting and Knoodling. How those two ended up with the same minister nobody will ever know. You should see the line at the office. Damn it, I am in a bad mood lately. On the upside some dork named NumberXIII came onto our SWBF game last night and tried to pull the same lame trick over and over and ended up getting completely scrantoned (Ohio and everything). His noob cherry got busted so bad he caught the bus to sore loserville and left. It's always good to have a whipping bitch.

Look Hard Enough and You May See Marvin...

Don't fret Earthicans, this close encounter of the Mars kind won't be anything like the movie Mars Attacks!!! but it will be extremely cool.

This month and next, Earth is catching up with Mars in an encounter that will culminate in the closest approach between the two planets in recorded history. The next time Mars may come this close isin 2287. Due to the way Jupiter's gravity tugs on Mars and perturbs its orbit, astronomers can only be certain that Mars has not come this close to Earth in the Last 5,000 years, but it may be as long as 60,000 years before it happens again.

The encounter will culminate on August 27th whenMars comes to within 34,649,589 miles of Earth and will be (next to the moon) the brightest object in the night sky. Mars will look as large as the full moon to the naked eye. Mars will be easy to spot. By the end of August when the two planets are closest, Mars will rise at nightfall and reach its highest point in the sky at 12:30a.m. That's pretty convenient to see something that no human being has seen in recorded history. So, mark your calendar at the beginning of August to see Mars grow progressively brighter and brighter throughout the month. Share this with everyone, NO ONE ALIVE TODAY WILL EVER SEE THIS AGAIN.

Attention Macgyver Wanna Be's...

I came across the following link today, and found it rather interesting. Yes, according to this article, all you need to start a fire in the wilderness is a bar of chocolate and a Coke can. Who would have known? The article warns you NOT to eat the chocolate after using it to polish the bottom of the can...aluminum poisoning and all. But I suppose that would be common sense after all, it would limit your ability to make some smores out in the wilderness on an impulse though. Not sure how useful this information is for today's world, but if you ever end up alone on an island and your only friend is Wilson the volleyball...at least you won't have to worry about making fire!

Terror Alert!

Be careful, people. The government has raised our terror alert level two past "Cover your eyes and Pucker your Ass Orange" to "Blackwatch Plaid!"










There is talk they might raise it once more to the highest terror alert level; "The cover of Rush's seminal 1981 album Moving Pictures!"

You'll Never Weiz On This Reality Show Again

I read an article today about Pauly Shore's impending comeback to fame with his new reality show on TBS called "Minding the Store". In the show, he gets to manage his Mom's comedy club in LA, and supposedly hilarity is suppose to follow. I can hear the crickets chirping already. Judging by Pauly's last movie working title "You'll Never Weiz in This Town Again" but finally released as "Pauly Shore is Dead", where he fakes his own death to return to fame, the only place that his career has to go is up. I knew some of the people that were extras in that film, and found that it was shelved for a few years before it went on limited release...(2 theaters for 1 week), and then went to video...but not STRAIGHT to video. After renting it at the Local Hollywood Video Store out of curiousity...I concur with the opinion of EVERY Movie Executive...a thousand cameos in a movie doesn't make a thousand laughs...I think he would have had more luck with Encino Man Returns or something...

Speaking of Encino Men...this story about neanderthal's genetic code being reconstructed is very COOL. Who would have thought they could ever learn about extinct species by piecing together a genome from scratch! It seems to me that to learn about an extinct has beens, then they should just ask Pauly for a blood sample!

I don't want to piss all over your techno l337 parade but Firefox is just as much a piece of dog frappe as IE.

I know, I know, you hate to bow to the almighty Microsoft. So fucking what? I can't believe, given the fact that Mozilla Firefox has more security holes than Booger's "Who Farted" t-shirt that anyone with half a brain would give me shit for using IE. At work I have no choice. I must use IE. In fact show me an office where the IT personel will even allow people to use Firefox and I will show you either the Mozilla.org offices or the dumbest IT person in Western society. IE has security holes, for sure, but they are constantly updated and fixed and if you are tech savvy enough to know what the hell Mozilla Firefox is your netowrk and your individual PC is probably secure enough that the thin scrim of extra security Firefox provides isn't really necessary. Before you start screaming about how Mozilla Firefox is so much more secure please go read up on the subject and come back once you're ready to shut the hell up. In fact Mozilla has more security holes than IE and many of them are much more frightening than anything that has existed in IE since Windows 98 and IE4. The only thing that makes Firefox more secure is that not many people use it so the people taking advantage of browser security holes aim at IE instead. The odds of success are better for them. It's the same thing that makes MacIntosh more secure. But all of that is changing. You Firefox supporters have managed to convert enough people over that it is now becoming worthwhile for nefarious black-hat wannabes to start targeting you. Now these are boutique hackers who are purposely targeting an unprotected niche but if you Mozillaheads keep converting there will be more and more of them. It's been clear, for some time, the Mozilla isn't all that secure but it never made front page news because nobody higher than the newsroom tech editor even knew what Firefox is. In fact Mozilla has been fixing these holes on the sly. They don't admit that they are there or that they have been fixed. They just encourage users to "upgrade" to the "new version." Now that's just the security aspect. The majority of my personal hatred for Firefox comes from the fact that it's a piece of shit. It integrates poorly with Windows, and this problem is heightened and exponentially increased if you have multiple users. On more than one occasion on more than one PC Mozilla Firefox just decided one day to bring up a screen concerning identities or profiles but there would be no identities or profiles. Upon continuing further I would find that all of my favorites and settings were gone; completely unrecoverable. At that point Firefox (not Thunderbird, I know the difference so shut up) would then begin to ask me to login each time I would fire it up. After searching a bit I found that this is not an uncommon problem. It seems that many people have found that Firefox, at random intervals, likes to throw a hissy fit. IE has never done that at all. It has never done anything even close. Fuck Firefox. I will use IE. At least with IE I can access content, see pages the way they are supposed to be viewed, and on and on and on. OH! HEY! You know how we all save passowrds on our home PCs even though we know we shouldn't? There are some passwords that you should not be able to save (like the one for your Microsoft Exchange Web Access at work). Did you know that if you save those passwords that should not be saveable for secuirty purposes using Mozilla they will actually be saved allowing anyone who uses your computer access? And guess what one of the absolute shittiest unfixed Firefox secuirty holes is? Somebody has all your usernames and passwords, nah nah nah boo boo.

My vista is better than your vista.

London got the Olympics in 2012!

AND THEN THEY GOT BOMBED. Shitty! I did watch some of the repsonse and reaction on BBC America this morning and I have to say that the U.K. police and emergency services are some of the best I have knowledge of. They turned what could have been mass hysteria and panic into a controlled and isolated situation within minutes. I have no official opinion on the bombings themselves, since it's not entirely clear who is even repsonsible at this point, other than to say that I feel empathy and sorrow for all of the families who lost mothers, fathers, sons, and daughters. I will, however, go off about CNN's nearly retarded coverage of the event. CNN loves to parade out the experts whenever something is happening. We listen to their hastily shouted quips without really paying any attention to it. Perhaps that is because we know that if you were ever to actually listen, as I did today, you, like me, would immediately seek some way to gouge out your eyes and pierce your eardrums. I was fortunate enough to find no reasonably painless way to deaden my senses. I changed the channel and my rage levelled off. Now I am attempting to bring my rage level down to a nice, everyday, "searing contempt" level so that I don't get pushed over the edge and have an aneurism when a customer says something stupid at work.

Let me just establish a couple of facts that we are all aware of.

A team of suicide hijackers took over a plane bound for L.A. and flew it into the Pentagon in our nation's capital in September of 2001.
The train system in Madrid was bombed in March of 2004.
Al-Queda planned and executed both of these attacks.

Are we all in agreement? Good.

Here are some things we don't yet know.

Who is repsonsible for the attacks in London this morning.
Whether any of the explosions in London were suicide attacks.
What kind of explosives were used and what the level of sophistication was present in the explosive devices.

Again, do we agree? Good.

On CNN this morning an "expert" commentator whose name, unfortunately, I did not catch stated that these attacks are a "change of tactic for Islamic militants." He stated that "Suicide attacks have never before been used on a Western Capital." Also after going on and on about how sophisticated the Al-Queda network has had to become to avoid detection and create these cunning explosive devices he also described the perpatrators as "Muslims" (not Islamic Extremeists or Muslim terrorists but, according to this fermented douche bag, ALL MUSLIMS!?) who are "primitive people" who use "crude bombs" to kill women and children. I am going to point these things out because there are some of you who can't put 2 and 2 together on your own. The idea that it is a change of tactics is B.S. since they did the same thing in Madrid last year (Madrid is the capital of Spain, btw). Suicide attacks have been used on a Western capital before, on September 11th, 2001. A person cannot be primitive and sophisticated at the same time. How can a cude device be cunning at the same time? Usually crude + cunning = elegance. Elegance is not the product of primitive people. It is the product of sophisticated networks. Which is it? We don't know, for sure, that the attack was perpatrated by Islamic militants in the first place. As I continued to watch I saw wave after wave of semi-retarded hypereducated idiot savant commentators build a whip cream pie of speculation flavored with fact extract and set it afloat on a see of stereotypes and innane overanalyzed gibberish. I heard so many things on CNN that made me want to pierce my eardrums that I had to watch the Disney Channel just to reset my brain. At one point I actually heard a commentatorsay that there are many who believe that the attacks in London were a retaliation by countries who lost the bid for the 2012 Olympics. Who believes that? Was this guy at a UFO convention? Where do you have to go to find MANY people who believe that, with less than 36 hours since the IOC's announcement that London would get the games to prepare and execute, someone who lost the bid for the Olympics commited this act? Where? Tell me!!!!!!!!!! CNN, I HATE YOU!


This is the second time I am typing all this because when I hit spell check IE6 blocked the spell checker window and when I clicked "Temporarily allow popups" IE6 refreshed the page and all I had typed had dissappeared. I am so mad I am shaking. I will no doubt forget details from the original post and when I remember them later I will come back and add them in.

Good Thing The Japanese Make Good Cars...

I found this link and thought it was rather funny. Useless Japanese Inventions shows that not every thing from Japan is instant consumer gold. I suppose if you wanna make an omlette you have to break a few eggs... The cover page of the booklet even has some engrish on it... I think some of the inventors in this article must have eaten some bad fugu before having their inspirational genius.

I'm wonder if any of these innovators ever worked for Sony, or Honda? Personally, as a consumer of both Sony and Honda products, I certainly hope not!

Halfway to China?

It started yesterday...the day that I knew was coming finally came. The swamp in my backyard which was marked for building finally was dug up. Now, as I speak I can look out my window and see the big orange machine making it's mark. I guess this is good news...because that building is supposedly the very last one to be built in my development, which means the construction guys will be outta here by the end of the summer YEAH!!!!!! The bad news is that my head will be littered with construction noises all summer while it is being built.

Anyone that knows me will say that I'm about the biggest fan of the Star Wars Saga as anyone. But reading this story makes me think, who would be nutty enough to pay that kind of dough for movie memorabilia? 80K for Luke Skywalker's "Prop" lightsaber? It's just a PROP. If it actually worked, then I could see the value...but without the magic of rotoscoping it ends up being an 80 thousand dollar metallic stick! No thanks...I'll let the other sweaty Star Wars Nerds fight over it. I'm out of the game... :P

That was a big one!

Ooh! Somebody died in that fire.

Now, these pictures have all lost something in being posted. They have to be severely downsized and consequently lose a lot of detail and subtlety of color and contrast. I set up hours early for the fireworks. I was there early enough to see the tests and line up my equipment. I leveled my tripod. I left it right out where everyone can see it. We were the first ones in the park we were at. Over the subsequent hours previous to the fireworks hundreds of people packed in behind us. They saw the tripod. They knew someone was setting up to take pictures. That didn't stop them from complaining that I was blocking their view once the fireworks started. To all you people who sat right behind the phtographer in the South Side Park right along the shore line just south of the 9th Ave Bridge in Sauk Rapids and then complained when the photographer blocked your view I would like to say "You are an idiot, a crybaby, a cockmaster, a polesmoker, and an entirely unprecedented skeez. Also, suck my balls." Maybe next time you should think about what that tripod is for before you sit behind it or, just maybe, get there a little freaking earlier, ASS.

Star Wars...for the last time

The weekend activities at the Petunia Festival were pretty entertaining. I got to see some people that I haven't seen in a long while, which I guess is the real reason going back to that event is enjoyable.

I got home on Monday night, but was way too tired to go anywhere to see fireworks. I guess that is what happens when you spend a very sleepless night sleeping on the floor at your brothers house! But I opened the window outside, and I could see the fireworks of Dundee and Elgin right outside my window, so it all worked out OK in the end.

So I went to see Star Wars Episode 3 for the final time in the theater. My Brother and Sister in Law hadn't seen it, so they wanted to go see it. The one thing that always puzzles me about that movie...is the way that Aayla Secura (the Jedi Knight that looks like Bib Fortuna), goes down so wussily after order 66 is executed. I mean come on, shot in the back? Not even able to draw her lightsaber? Probably because Amy Allen isn't a "real actress" yet, and doesn't have the clout of a Samuel L. Jackson to demand a good death scene! OK, enough Geeking out...Star Wars Forever!!!!!! :)

Happy birthday America! Screw history, let's blow something up.

I have something wierd and itchy on my foot. I think I'm gonna take a needle to it. I think it's just a mosquito bite. Why wonder when you can tear it open and find out for sure? That's the American way, after all.

P.S. No Shit! It's gotten so bad that if you do say or write something clearly or directly the average person can't understand it. You actually have to speak less clearly in order to be understood. It also seems that the only way to get someone to listen to you is to pepper your language with profanity.

Hey... thanks for the in depth description of the Halo novelization you just read. Now shut up.

Xbox Live headsets are a joke. They could be an asset. They could be an incredible tool. Properly used, in games like Star Wars Battlefront, they could make teams undefeatable. If you, and a few other players, could talk strategy, call for help, time assaults, and just generally use it for its inteded purpose it would be great. Unfortunately there is no way to use the headsets for these purposes. In order to do so you would have to shout instructions back and forth with no real assurance that the person you are talking to will hear you. In fact, since they would have to pick your hastily shouted instructions out of a constant barrage of wookie noises, unnattended children saying dirty words and racial epiphets, and idiots asking the most asinine questions ("Can everyone hear me?", "Hey Whackly, how come you never talk?", "Does everyone have their microphone on?" and other unanswerable or one answer only questions like that) you can pretty much assume that they don't hear you at all. When I host a game I boot teamkillers and I boot people who spawn camp in vehicles. With those two categories I might boot 1 or 2 people per week. I have, now, taken to booting people who are being obnoxious on the headset/voicechat as well. In that category I boot 2 or 3 per day. It's gotten to the point of annoyance that I just turn the server off. I can only take about 60 minutes. I just shut it down a few minutes ago because some jerkwater trim-dimple decided to mention, endorse, and then completely editorialize the Halo novelizations. Thank god for this blog. I know exactly where my razorblades are and I thought about it.

Retarded? I don't think they were smart enough to be tarded once, let alone twice!

Hi! I'm your friendly neighborhood technical service rep. My job is to fix problems with the internet service my company provides. Guess what my job f**king isn't!

1. fix your router
2. fix your Norton Internet Security
3. fix your Norton AntiVirus
4. set up your Microsoft Outlook 2003
5. give a crap that the tech blocked in your daughter's car when he was climbing the pole last week
6. listen to you whine about how you've been bounced back and forth between Dell and Microsoft for 7 hours
7. care that you don't think the problem is your computer
8. repeat myself 8 times
9. not laugh when you say "My internet keeps going down on me!"
10. tell you what you want to hear when it's not the truth
11. act like you are special
12. give a credit on service because the electricity was unplugged to your modem for a week
13. explain how your kid reinfected your computer with spyware
14. try to stop you when you say you are going to switch ISPs
15. enjoy your snotty exasperated sighs when I ask you to do something
16. know what "it" means when you say "My internet doesn't work. When I click on it nothing happens."
17. go on and on about all the stupid things customers do 50 times a day

Please don't ask me "Is the internet down?" either. If you do I'm going to say "Yes. It's complete anarchy. Planes are crashing. All stoplights are green. The world's financial markets are in ruins. It's all over cnn.com" I will say it in a sarcastic monotone too. I'm not someone who thinks that customers are stupid for not knowing how to use their computers. It's OK that you don't know. At some point I didn't either and I had to call Mezzo to ask dumb questions. But I didn't call him, and ask, and then not listen to his answer. See, what makes me think that customers are stupid is when they act like they DO know what they are talking about. They don't. No matter who calls in, no matter what the problem, the customer will NEVER believe the technical support representative unless he says what they want to hear; that the problem is with the ISP. The best part is, in more than 98 percent of our calls the problem has nothing do with the ISP. It's the router or the user or the pc. In that order. When you call me you better realize that I am not some $8/hr phone monkey with a script and an agenda. I am a well paid, well trained, extrememly knowledgeable expert in my field and I have been granted unprecedented access to my company's systems. My only goal is to find out where the problem is and IF it is with the ISP, fix it. Beyond that it's not my problem and I hate you for being a dick to me.

One that won't make me crash my car or make me feel three feet thick.

I want a new job. This one sucks. I want to take pictures. I don't want to take pictures of weddings, High School Seniors, or babies. I have done all three. Weddings were the worst and the best. They pay well, it's easy, but brides are ALL psycho, best men are ALL drunk, grooms ALL resist and mothers-in-law ALL interfere. Real Estate photography, industrial photography, print journalism (nealy impossible since the journalists usually snap their own photos), stock work, and media/advertising are all areas I would like to get into. I have three digital cameras. 2, 4, and 5.1 mp. I would like to buy a 6 or 8 mp digital slr. Someday. I just have no idea how to make money at it. I had thought of asking some people to let me take pictures of their homes inside and out and sending the photos to realtors. As far as industrial and auction work... maybe I could go to a farm implement place and take some pictures. I could send them to auction houses. I need to develope a digital portfolio. As far as stock work and media... I have thousands of pictures of all sorts of stuff (plants, leaves, and flowers especially) just sitting around. Somebody offer me a job taking pictures of something. Please!!!!!!!

Four Letter Word For Snatch

I swear that everyone I come across is the dumbest person ever. If you are someone I know and are offended by this statement please realize that I did not mean you. If you weren't offended you must be as dumb as I think you are. What did I say? You read it. You can't un-read it. I am having a hard day.

G'day Mate...

What's better than Steve Irwin chasing crocodiles through the bush, or watching the toilets flush down the drain backwards, or watching Russell Crowe hitting a hotel concierge over the head with a phone? Australian Snow Crab!!!!

For those of you who are unfamiliar...it is a very rare species of crab that is only found in depths of 2500 feet off the western coast of Australia. Because light never reaches that far down in the ocean these crabs are characterized by the absence of pigment in the shell. I had the opportunity to eat the Australian Snow Crab Legs a few years ago, and it was by far the greatest culinary experience in my life. This moment was a blessing and a curse to be sure.

Now for the curse part...because this little known species of crab is only found one place on earth, and extremely hard to catch, it's almost impossible to find at any restaurant! The taste of this crab makes every other species seem hum drum. Ignorance is bliss I'm afraid.

So, if dining out at a restaurant you happen to come across this item on the menu...I welcome you to share my curse. Rare as this crab is it's fairly pricey, but I guarantee you won't regret it. It is worth every penny! (Hint: This crab has been known to be on the menu at Bob Chinns Crab House from time to time.) Bon Appetité!

Fun in the Sun

After only a few short years, I finally got my butt in gear and took a trip downtown to see Millenium Park. I was still working downtown when they started constructing it and was suppose to be completed by the year 2000, but thanks to mis-management, delays and such the park was years late and way over budget.

One of the main attractions is The Crown Fountain which consists of two towers facing each other that project moving images of different people's faces on them. In between the towers is a wading pool where visitors can take their shoes off and get wet. Every five minutes or so, the faces spit a jetstream of water out of their mouths which gets the waders absolutely soaked. It was amusing to watch the little kids in the fountain, and their poor parents trying to avoid getting too wet while they rounded up their little kiddies when it was time to go home.

On another note...why is it that we are programmed to watch what almighty TV brings into our house? I figure it must be a pavlovian response or something. ..like last night...I was surfing channels, and decided to see which Futurama was playing on Adult Swim. I was totally bummed when I learned that it was not scheduled on Thursday because they want to show that lame show American Dad instead...then I had a moment of inspirational genius...well, I guess if I were a monkey, not one of those "smart" helper monkeys, but a regular one..."Why don't I just pop in a DVD of it?" Doh. Why is it that sometimes you can feel so intelligent, while other times you can feel so very Homer Simpson-ish (the Homer from Season 9 on that is). Well, they say that TV has shortened the attention span of millions of pe....what was I talking about? Well, I guess it doesnt' matter...ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY SILVER BOX THAT BRINGS A WARM GLOW INTO LIVING ROOMS EVERYWHERE... (with so many TV's in the world simulcasting hypnotic images 24-7 who needs the Hypnotoad?)

Stop Crying Or I'll Cut Ya!

My G*d D*mned kid decided to pick up the sniffles from me. He also decided to wake up at 5A.M. to tell me about it. He won't stay in his playpin. He throws his pacifier out and then cries because he can't get to it. I took his pacifier and set it right where he can see it but not get to it. I'm not going to play some game where I'm his bitch because I keep coming back every 3 minutes to give him his pacifier back. After today he's gonna realize that if the throws the f*cking thing away he's not going to get it back. No matter how much of a fit he throws. Then he won't throw it away anymore. I don't give in to whining. Yesterday I took him to work to see people. I had to pick up some crap anyhow. The little snot was playing with some stuff on somebody's desk and started to throw a tiny whiney fit if his mother tried to take it away. We had to go. I said to myself "F*ck this!" and I picked his ass up and took it away. I told him "No, you can't have it." He cried for 1 second and then he was fine. If you take something away from him and then he starts to get mad and you stand there saying "Oh, it's O.K. I'm sorry but I had too." and all that coddling crap you're just asking for a tantrum. Two things that I think many parents (my wife and sometimes myself included) forget. First: You're the parent and YOU'RE in charge. The kid's not in charge. Second: Giving a kid what he wants when he whines like a brat only insures he will whine like a brat to get what he wants. My son is too young for spanking to really be an issue but my wife and I were discussing it a few weeks ago. She's not a fan of spanking. I think that's mostly because she's not a big fan of discipline in general (but that's another story). So far her best argument against spanking is "My brothers and I weren't spanked!" What an argument! That's the best argument FOR spanking I have ever heard. If you knew her brothers you'd agree. Pussy ass shit like this crap just pisses me off. If it's a natural child you want why don't you strap that bitch to your back with some deer hide and go pick me some blueberries. Natural! So now when a chimpanzee or a dolphin or lion opens a can of whup-ass on their kid to keep them in line it's unnatural? I'm not advocating a beating. I don't intend to cause physical damage or humiliate my kid but this P.C., bullshit child psychologist driven, coddling, "never spank a child" crap is the most ridiculous quixotic tard fodder I've ever heard. I maintain that the problem is not spanking. The problem is parents who can't control themselves and turn spanking into beating. If you are too angry to stop yourself from hitting your kid you shouldn't start hitting your kid. If you have that kind of impulse control problem you probably shouldn't have kids in the first place.