Suicide Booth Realized!!!!!!

For those of you who have never heard www.engrish.com is one of the best websites on earth. It's hilarious. I don't think they will mind that I grabbed one of their images since I am using it to advertise for them. I just thought this was funny. It's a preview of the year 3000! Ask Al Gore!

Tax Day...

It's Halloween today, but it's also Tax Day. Today I went to pay THE MAN for my property taxes. I think I need a little more lube, as my *ss still hurts from the experience!

On a happier note...tomorrow is Battlefront 2 DAY (along with Star Wars Revenge of the Sith)...I will have to get up bright and early to go foraging for these two things like my forefathers...the hunters and gatherers! I AM EZMEZZO OF THE HILL PEOPLE!!!!!

Early Sunday Blues...

Boredom, more like. So I ordered a new pc. Partly I was jealous of the one my mom just bought, partly I was feeling like a putz for not buying one a month ago when this really badass one I couldn't really afford was on sale for a sale price that was still way more than I could afford, but mostly because one of my big storage drive crapped out on me and replacing that was going to be a couple hundred anyway. This new one I ordered is everything the one I wanted a month ago is with a few slight differences. The one I wanted a month ago was designed to go in your living room and hook to a T.V. A home theatre p.c., or htpc in geek reducto, as it were. This new one does all the same stuff but is more of a computer desk in the office type of thing and less of a "in your living room" thing. I figure it won't matter anyway since this one I ordered was hella cheaper, hella beefier, AND I won't need a pc in the living room sine the Xbox 360 will allow me to do all that kinda crap anyhow. This new p.c. has a lightscribe dvd drive in it. This brings me to a question I really need and answer to and I would appreciate any opinion, expertise preferred, on the matter.

Sam's Club has dvd-r in spindles of 100 for a little less than $40. These spindles come in all label varieties: inkjet printable, plain white, and the like. One of them is called "Thermal Printable." Are these thermal printable disks the sort of disk I would need to use to burn labels with lightscribe? I was under the impression that lightscribe disks were pricey but these thermal ones are the same price as the others.

Please advise. Please. Please. I'm out of DVDs and I need to buy some A.S.A.P.

On another note I am trying out the Opera browser. First at the urging of Paav but then also at the urging of Doordolt. There are some issues. For instance, as I type this mosr of the useful icons at the top of the blogger compose window are gone. However, there are some pretty cool features. First up, security. It's really only secure for the same reason firefox is. By that I mean it isn't. It's just that not many people use Opera so there's really no point in nefarious types making exploits for it. Other advantages include it's sleek and refined design. In fact I am a stickler for effeciency in a brower. I get so tired of having to uncheck pointless toolbars and rearrange them up top in IE and firefox that this minimalist aspect of Opera really tickles me in a sick place. The tabbed browsing is quite nice as well. Screw switching windows and such. Just tab over. Ingenious! Not original, by any means, but much more effectively done than it was in... say... Star Office 5.2.

Anyways, back to recovering from catastrophic drive failure. It has taken me most of my free time since Thursday just to get all my digital pictures and music back (a profound success on both counts though) and now I am just burning a backup of a friend's wedding video so I don't have to panick if I think I lost the .iso again. I am thinking of foregoing putting Microsoft Office 2003 back on this pc. I really only needed it for Outlook and I don't use outlook for mail. I have already exported my calendar to the laptop so I think I will just give Corel a run for now.

I am tired. OOOOOOOH!!! I have GMAIL! I'm out like Sulu!

Haiku Friday

The Hunt

Tiny ghosts and gouls
Harvesting sweet confections
Autumn wind wisping

"Did I just see Bonniegrrl face down *ss up?" - Whackly

Success!!!!!! I have been banned!

I asked last night if I had seen bonniefrrl face down, ass up on suicidegirls.com. I believe that was the straw that broke the mistresses whip. I was PUNISHED. Tad Jozxyqk is the name now. The guy who banned me is called Dark Moose. LOL. And he called me unimaginative.

An excerpt from an alternate life I lead of which I am immensly proud. (REDUX)

HealthyFerret:

Don't worry, Orphan, Walmart is evil with their low paying jobs and poor benefits. However, I haven't decided if it is better to have lots of people running around with cheaply made merchandise but living on minumum wage with some benefits. Or, less people buying more expensive things (not from Walmart) and more poor people unemployed living on welfare.Nevertheless, Walmart has a wide selection of Lucasarts games with plenty of Star Wars related toys!

metallicorphan:

as i have just said in the bfg forum,walmart ahve just taken over our asda(big supermarket chain),but i dont think i will see any demos of the 360 for a while yet

Tad Whackly :

Wal-Mart does rotate stocks of star wars toys regularly. The problem is you have to hack your way through a crowd of mullet sporting wife abusers in the automotive section, crazy eyed consiracy theorists in sporting goods, 12 year old trailer sl*ts in the pharmacy/hygeine sections, aged smoke cured ridden hard and put away wet welfare mothers in the clothing section, and then the 12 year old trailer sl*t's 5 year old unwashed grabby handed hick spawn in the toy section in order to view them. If you have the strengh to get all the way to the toys you will be please to find an entire host of inexpensive, gimmicky, and unimaginative star wars figurines, each with enough tiny loseable parts to ensure that while wrestling, kicking and screaming, through the sharp edged, nearly un-breakable, diamond filiment plastic packaging the figure will be broken and the little pieces of detritis will be flung violently into corners of your house that require the movement of palatte jack weight furniture to access for recovery.

P.S. I shop at Target.


HealthyFerret:

Point well taken T Whack. However, you have not addressed Walmart's employment practices (which allow all those Star Wars toys to be sold at lower prices) although I can guess where you stand.Walmart will be carrying BFII on opening day but I believe the price is so regulated that you won't catch a discount there.I would have to second a vote for Target but as far as Battlefront software I see little or no difference.

big dog jeff :

yes but if you local walmart contains a grocery store like mine does, and you go to get your copy of battlefront 2 or your favorite plastic toy of doom, you can go in the morning when there is nothing but hot moms with there kids there, shopping and ofcourse discussing the star wars battlefront forums

Tad Whackly :

And take your wife. She likes hot moms as much as you do. Our WalMart is packed to the gills with redneck double Y chromos 24/7. I'm honestly not kidding. Plus they have 24 lanes and even on the busiest day of the year there are only 4 open. Ridiculous. I may spend a bit more at Target but at least it's clean and I won't get run over by some drunk blob of social service case in her rascal scooter as he b-lines for the sale Audiovox Portable Cd Players. I have a mother-in-law that works at Walmart. A mother-in-law whome I hate with a passion even Ch*st can't equal. So, personally, I'm glad they treat employees like crap.Jawas are cute. You ever run up to them and step back and forth to make it look like they are performing fellatio?

Please ban me! I have a great idea for my new username!

Casey at the Bat...Chicago Style

The outlook wasn't brilliant for Wrigleyville that day,
The Score was one to zero with one more inning to play.

The White Sox were in the Series, somewhere the Cubs haven't been,
For many a year, exactly two before nineteen ten.

Up came the Astros with a last glimmer of hope,
Trying to extend the series with a last rope a dope.

Lane got on second with one out away,
Looks like the Astros would live to fight another day.

But up from nowhere the shortstop Uribe stood tall,
And with his defensive action he literally grabbed the ball.

Popped out into foul territory the ball would land,
But no Astro Fan could act like Bartman.

The Final out looked like it could be a run,
But here comes Uribe to spoil the fun.

Sox win the series, The World Champs can gloat,
But there is no joy in Wrigleyville...the curse of the goat!

It tears at my every fiber to congratulate the White Sox Fans on a great season and a great Championship run this year. As much as I hate to say it, the White Sox deserve everything that they have gotten this year through their hard work and perserverance. Although, being a Die-hard Cubs fan I can hardly rejoice until the curse of the billy goat has been lifted.

In Chicago's Northside, the chants of "wait till next year" still echo throughout the populace. But, the Sox have proven that next year can be now...so as the Sox Fans and Team celebrate their astonishing victory in the Series...I am left to wonder, when will it be our turn?

United States of America ruled most likely to go to hell!!!

This is where we are, people. Not where we are headed. SIEG HEIL America!

Forum Moderators Do It Anal! (T-Shirt idea?)

So, for those of you who are unaware of my extreme nerd side, I am a regular player of Star Wars Battlefront and a regular on the Lucasarts forum for this game. This forum is absurd. Not often related to the game and unlike comedy on the Amazonia planet the humor comes from abstract craziness not real world situations. It's usually vaguely vulgar, semi-offensive, partially purile, etc... you know... like me. This forum is, for the most part, unmoderated unless some parent who doesn't pay attention to where their 10 year old goes on the internet complains to Lucasarts because they come in to find their kid reading a 500 word rant calling someone a "douche weasel" for some inane reason or another. You can probably guess who writes rants like that. All the ridiculousness on that forum is relevant to those who are regulars on the forum. Perhaps it is just non-sensical ridiculousness to passers-by but passers-by aren't really the die-hard fans who keep the game going and pre-pay for the sequel, so fuck them. Yesterday, either somebody complained or the moderator decided to make her bi-annual visit. She deleted a bunch of threads which she arbitrarily decided were not relevant and yet left a bunch of other completely irrelevant threads. She banned a couple of users for no apparent reason. She just went on a bit of a power trip. What a hoe bag.

Here's her website

Here's her blog

Here's her blogger profile

Here's her daily livejournal blog

If anyone finds her home address please go here and send her something. I'll reimburse you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some annoying and vulgar trackbacks to leave.

The new "Give-to-me Elmo"

I came across this news story today about an Elmo impersonator that was arrested by the Police for harassing families for tips. Supposedly, the man dressed up as Elmo and posed for pictures with kids and families, but became rather insistent about tipping afterwards.

What a sad state of affairs, when someone has to use a beloved children's character to try and bilk unsuspecting tourists out of money. He might as well have dressed up as Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny. Worse yet, imagine the parents of the kids trying to explain to them why Elmo threatened to send the Cookie Monster out to "break some legs", or why Elmo was handcuffed and stuffed into the back of a squad car. Elmo might need to insight the talents of The Count to help him figure out how many days he will be in jail.

Trivia Tuesday (Trivuesday)

1. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter day Saints: Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons?

2. Dragons: China or Japan?

3. Universities: Liberal or Conservative?

4. Shepherds: whooping terrier or hypnotoad?

5. Rain make people: dumb or smart?

6. Funniest: The Office or Futurama

7. Organized religions: naive or ignorant?

8. Queequeg tattoos: sexy or icky?

9. Preference: tube steak or meat curtains?

10. Euphamisms: always funny or only sometimes funny?

Linkfest Tuesday (Linkuesday?)

SCARY SCARY SCARY SCARY SCARY SCARY SCARY SCARY

http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=1231684&page=1

Coming to a cracker crusted whiteytown suburban mall near your honkey ass!

Nuesday

Kinlow's Face Unabashedly Smushed!

Improper resizing by CNN.com editors caused the face of slain soldier James O. Kinlow to appear horribly smushed on the CNN.com website. Pushing ethical questions about the war and its 2000th American casualty aside CNN.com decided to focus on the fact that the soldier had a normal life outside his unwilling role as part of the Crusadist War Machine and was not in least bit smushed before he left for Iraq. Reached for comment CNN.com editors had this to say: "We weren't implying that he was smushed to death. Hey, somebody call Fox News and find out what the President wants us to say tonight! Oh! You're still there. Did you need your parking validated? Nevermind! I forgot this was a phone call! I gotta go poopy...... (hang up)."

It's NUESDAY!!!!

H&M Replaces Kate Moss With Italian Model





Stockholm, Sweden - Italian model Mariacarla Boscono will replace Kate Moss in TV commercials to help launch a collection by Stella McCartney for Swedish clothing chain Hennes & Mauritz.

The move was a crushing blow to Mary-Kate Olsen who had reportedly dropped out of school, developed an eating disorder, and even tried the Kate Moss "coke" diet in hopes of transitioning from child TV-Star to Supermodel Extraordinaire.

Sans modeling contract Mary-Kate has decided to take a new path, as she was quoted as saying... "I wanna learn what I can from my new Idol, Paris Hilton. Her style, Her Trust Fund Ways...It's HOT!"

Hodgepodge Tuesdays

Whackly and I put our heads together and decided to dedicate another "theme" day to go with Haiku Fridays. Hodgepodge Tuesdays will be a day to take a breath, and be glad that another Monday has gone by the books. Hodgepodge will be just like it sounds like, a day for us to post a plethora of different material as our blogtuition guides us. The kind of stuff that Hodgepodge Tuesdays will consist of:

Trivia Tuesday - Trivia quizes and the like.

Linkfest Tuesday - Fun links from the realms of cyberspace.

Nuesday - Ode to Infertile Vertical. News stories worthy of the National Enquirer.

Creepy Ass Frog Boy

I went to Casey's for lunch today. Casey's is normally quite pleasant. The pizza is good and there seem to be a never ending rotating cast of attractive female station attendants and pizza cooks working there. No such luck today. Today was a sausage fest. Not only was it a sausage fest but one of the "gentlemen" working either has strabismus or some kind of psychological disorder. The "wocky-eye" option seems less likely and here's why. When I left work for Casey's I called my wife so I could talk to my son on the phone. I was using my headset so to anyone who can't see the right hand side of my face it looks like I am talking to myself. By the time I reached Casey's I was deep into a converstaion with my son concerning something along the lines of guckies, pie, and cookies. You'd have to ask him for the details. I pulled right up to Casey's and parked right outside the window. I could see the clerk next to the window. He was less than ten feet from me. It was my dash, my windshield, the front of the car, the sidewalk, the window, and then him in front of me. Several times during my call I noticed him glancing at me and I figured he just thought I was talking to myself. My call ended, however, and as I reached up to take the headset off I noticed he was staring at me. Wierd, right? It's worse than that. Have you ever wanted to look at something but not wanted anyone to notice what you are looking at? The key, in these situations, is to turn your head away from the subject but aim your eyes at the subject. If the subject or any other observers are far enough away that they can't see the whites of your eyes they don't really know which way you are looking. This is called watching someone out of the corner of your eye. Simple enough. What it, however, you are a Casey's cashier and the person you are using this tactic on is not only 8 feet away but also staring right back at you. What do you do? Do you look away? Do you pretent to wipe the glass in front of you as if you were looking at a spec of grit the whole time? Maybe YOU would, but the googley eyed frog man at the Casey's I was at decided to keep stareing. In fact he watched me in this manner, turning his body to follow me, all the way until I entered the store. Then he said "Hey!" as a casual greeting sounding vaguely of "come on." This made me feel like wierd. I had a vague memory flash of a creepy ice cream van driver, a chase, a struggle, and some deeply hidden shame. Thank god I saw that one on Lifetime. It didn't happen to me. Thanks to the wierdo at Casey's, though, I'm scared that it will.

Linkfest Monday

Thanks to AOASUS for this video. It starts out slow. It seems like something you would normally change the channel on. Stick with it. Oh yeah... she said vagina.

DOGBITE.WMV

Wrong. This is also your chance to weigh in with your preference. Which is a better idea: Linkfest Monday or Trivia Tuesday?

Random Thoughts For the Day

• The World Series...I should be happy for the hometown White Sox...but I am not. In fact I hope they fold like cheap suit. Sometimes it's hard being a Cubs Fan.
• Why does Sony seem to want to kill every attempt at allowing home-made applications on their PSP? If they are afraid of people not buying their stuff, it works the opposite way...cause I will not buy anything new for the fear of it forcing a firmware upgrade.
• Why are the NBA Players complaining about the new dress code instated by the league? Business Casual...ask any normal person if they would put up with business casual for a job that pays you millions of dollars for PLAYING a game...I think I know the answer...
• How spoiled are we in the America? In some countries people are worried about having loaves of bread on the shelf running out. Me? I am concerned that the Xbox 360 will be sold out on the launch day. Talk about trying to put things into perspective.
• The Donald makes 25,000 dollars for every minute of speech that he gives. What wisdom can he impart in a minute to people that is possibly worth 25,000 dollars?
• We can send men to the moon. Why can anyone invent a wireless phone that doens't drop calls every ten minutes?
• Golf is the great equalizer. One minute you are on top of the world when you hit a good shot...only to be humbled the next minute by the very same game. Worse yet, how cruel is it to play the best round right before the snow flies, and then have to wait 5 months to play again? The golf gods have no sense of humor.

Haiku Friday

Racist Coworkers

If they were famous
Keeping it alive always
Would have been worth it

"At one point I had Somalians and Mexicans at the same time!"- Anonymous Racist

Haiku Friday

Scientology Sucks

Idiot yes men
Follow greedy aliens
To find peace of spirit

"Let's look it up in the Becktionary!"- Beckbot 267

In an effort to fight forwards on all fronts I post the following:

This is an excerpt from a forward I recieved. Let the email address collection bot crawling begin! FORWARD ALWAYS SUCK!


From: "Marlo Evans"
To: counselor565@yahoo.com, hotnixon183@hotmail.com, looney_55@hotmail.com, jed.deisel@gpisd.org, mrslindros507@hotmail.com, ksgirrl8hrt@yahoo.com, mssurunner5@hotmail.com, larsie116@hotmail.com, adam_mertens@hotmail.com, bigmember@hi5.com, jen828@yahoo.com, al_salinas@charter.net, julieann_333@hotmail.com, seeleycant@hotmail.com, libra656@charter.net, tammyroebeck@tds.net, tammysmith_99@yahoo.com, tjlefsner@yahoo.com
Subject: FW: Vikings
Date: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 16:36:28 -0500

Marlo

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Amber Person
To: Mommy Gramma Person
Subject: Vikings
Date: Thu, 20 Oct 2005 08:54:57 -0700 (PDT)



Vikings gone wild

(To the theme from Gilligans Island)


Come sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of fateful trip
That started from a small lake town
Aboard two tiny ships

The mates were a bunch of pole dancers
But the waitstaff was too pure
The Vikings team set sail that day
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour

The action started getting hot
The dancers strutted their stuff
If not for the prudes in the fearless crew
There wouldn't have been such a huff

The boats turned around and went back home
The authorities came aboard
But fear not friends, 'cause all's not lost
The Vikings finally scored!

Haiku Friday

Making Glue

Volleyball sheep ass
Tom and Katie are retards
Dead horse stomped and kicked

"I find that the most erotic part of a woman is the boOO...."- Zap Brannigan

Haiku Friday

Hasta Levista

Fleeting essence gone
Ornamented truths fade away
Cyberspace dirt nap

"You want me to slap up the corpse a little?" - Bender

You animals! You blew it up!

R.I.P. Infertile Vertical.

You will be missed (mostly by EzMezzo). I couldn't post enough for one blog. Screw two. Screw that right in the ear.

Scientology...Explained

Ran across this video from "Passion of the Cruise" website which explains Scientology in a very humorous manner. (Warning, not work safe...so be careful). Enjoy...

"Idiots....GOSH!"

Trivia Tuesday!

1. What is Katie Holmes' new name according to Infertile Vertical?

2. Who does Something Dirty have a crush on?

3. Who makes the best brownies?

4. Who's becoming whom?

5. Out comes the ______ from the ______ and then out come the ____ from the ___. The satisfied man then yells "Booyah!"

P.S.

"1,474,881 childr3n h4v3 b33n irr3p4r4bly c0rrupted by th3 w4nt0n s3xu4lity R0ckst4r h4s f0rc3d int0 0ur h0mes with th3 4id 0f cust0m s0ftw4r3 m0dific4ti0ns 4nd 4 h4ndful 0f 4cc3ss c0d3s th4t c0uld p0t3nti4lly b3 us3d with the purch4s3 0f 4 third p4rty 4cc3ss0ry." -AuThOr AnSwEr BoNuS

Yo Adrian....Where Are My Bifocals?

Hollywood seems to keep finding ways to stretch the realm of reality razor-thin without much thought, but I think they've finally gone over the edge. It seems that another Rocky Movie has been greenlit for production, that's right for those who are still counting "Rocky 6", which Sylvester Stallone has been trying to get made for years looks like it has finally got some studio backing. Looking at the realities of it all, it seems to be paddling against the current.

1. Sylvester Stallone is 59 years old. Apparently the plot involves Rocky coming back and fighting a series of "low profile" fights... How are they gonna make that fly? In real life boxers are washed up at 35, and start biting off their opponents ears in an attempt to keep one foot out of the end of their career. At 59??? They will have to get Rocky to be hoisted into the ring with some kind of crane and instead of his patented USA themed Shorts he will have to wear Depends.

2. Rocky the original was a success, but after that things have gone WAY downhill. There is a reason many people try to forget Rocky 5...it STUNK worse than the elephant cages dropped into the skunk habitat at the zoo.

3. Stallone seems to be grasping at straws trying to find a way to revive his celebrity status. He's been replaced by younger actors vying for his action star status. Even Vin Diesel and his "Red Baby" experience of a movie is a bigger star these days than Mr. StillOLD.

All this is not that surprising. The lack of good Hollywood scripts lately makes even crap on toast seem plausible. Look for "Rocky 6 - The Search For More Money" to disgrace a theater near you soon...

Beware!!!! Of Bigfoot...Maybe...

More than 400 people flocked to the town of Jefferson, Texas to theorize and hypothesize on the origins of the all mighty Sasquatch (AKA Bigfoot) at the Texas Bigfoot Conference. These people, I suppose want to be taken seriously, and not just laughed at just like the UFO theororists, and the Nessie Backers. All this bother trying to determine if Bigfoot is a mythical creature or real makes me think...

Why not use hi-tech means...set up a million cameras in the forest, and when Bigfoot walks by, snap a picture of him.

Then I remembered...

Well, that would be very expensive...and people that believe in Bigfoot are poor and have no money for such an operation...

Now if only they could find a way to sell their used uni-cycles...

Haiku Friday

Golden Shower

Mountainous hair pile
A stream flowing sweetly through
Hush tinkling brambles

"I don't know if they're Alaskan King but they sure feel huge!" -Carl

Haiku Friday

Forest and Trees

Unruly thatching
Sharpness soon envelops it
trim goodness given

"Extended Warranty? How can this NOT be a good idea?" - Katie Holmes

Haiku Friday

Chewy Pubes

Silent glistening
Acrid pit hair of the gods
Gleaming wookie bush

"I didn't know my robo-uterus could bear children." -CFA-513

OMFG!!!!!

I just watched this weeks episode of The Office (sorry Metalicorphan-the U.S. version) and I think it was one of the most hilarious things I have ever seen. The last time I laughed that hard at a T.V. show it was when Larry David hacked up the pubic hair that was stuck in his throat after he just told the Nativity Reenactment Joseph that the Nativity Reenactment Mary was a hot piece of ass on Curb Your Enthusiasm. The Office might be passing Futurama as the best show ever. YOU HEARD ME! THERE IT IS! I SAID IT! Mezzo is going to kill me now.

NO F***ING WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got this in my email this morning! CONSIDERABLY MORE THAN 72 hours after the drawing. Unless that's 72 business hours.... 9 days... sure.... WHY NOT!! I WON BITCH! I'M RICK JAMES BITCH!

FEEL

MY

PIMPIN!

Congratulations you are the winner of the 10/02 - 11:10 Xbox 360 sweepstakes brought to you by Mountain Dew.You will receive your Xbox 360 before it’s available in-stores and will need to provide a signature when it’s delivered. The Xbox 360 is being released later this year in 2005, once the delivery date is confirmed we will post it in your account history so please check back periodically. In the meantime, during the next few weeks be on the look out for a Party in the Box package from Mountain Dew and Xbox, which includes Hats, T-Shirts, coupons, invitations and more. Congratulations and Thank you for participating in the Every 10 minutes sweepstakesDon’t forget you can still use your codes for Collect to Get Gear.Note: If you would like to change your address, please call 1-877-370-2582 and refer to the number below.Reference #:*************** (as if I was gonna leave that up!)

Blueprints? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Blueprints

Remember that big hole in the ground that I posted about a few months ago in my back yard? Well, the hole has been filled with some brand spanking new townhouses that are soon to be inhabited...but looking out back today I noticed something strange. This particular unit has no way to get out to the deck. Normally, there would be sliding glass doors where the windows are. Maybe the owners will have to do a "Dukes of Hazzard" and hop out of the window to use their deck ala the General Lee. I just hope they get a discount when they close on it.

This is all a big joke, right? It's like the Truman show and I'm the schlep....... Right?

What the fuck is wrong with the world? Last night I called my bank, who maintains the scourge of modern American society; a call center in India. I don't have anything against Indians or the country of India but I don't like calling customer service and speaking to someone I can't understand and who cannot understand me. Usually they are reading from or following a series of scripts navigated by keywords in your statements and so they have no real understanding of your problem or anything. I was worried that some errors on my part(mailed some bills too soon and they are hitting before payday) would cause an overdraft. I called the bank last night to see if there is anything I can do. It was a conversation that lasted several minutes and many things happened but let me just treat you to the most important part.

Rep - I do not see this check you are concerned about in the list of things that will be processed this evening.

Me - Checks don't usually show, even in the available balance, in advance. If it was going to process tonight would you be able to see it coming?

Rep - No. I would only know if the check was going to process tonight if it had already processed and was listed in the completed transactions.

Me - So you checked the list of transactions to be completed tonight for a check that you knew couldn't be on the list? That's asinine.

Skip ahead a bit.....

Rep - In your situation, sir, there is very little that can be done.

Me - So, there is nothing that can be done at all or there is something "very little" that can be done that you have, so far, failed to mention?

Rep - There is nothing that can be done.

Me - So there isn't anything I can do to avoid an overdraft if that check goes through?

Rep - I'm sorry sir. There is nothing you can do.

Me - That sucks.

Rep - You could made a deposit at an ATM. The transaction would not process because it's after the cutoff but it would boost your available balance enough to avoid an overdraft.

Me - Do you know what "nothing" means?

Then END.

The check went through and thanks to some "just until Friday" loans from some stand up gentlemen I was able to make the ATM deposit that avoided the problem.

Ah..... The ATM deposit.

There are three ATM machines for my bank, in town. Two of them are inside Cub Foods stores and all of them are on my way home. I stopped at Cub Foods one and there were no deposit envelopes. I can't deposit money without envelopes. The branch inside the store is closed. I ask the pierced lip (why can't people with mouth and nose piercings clean the crusties off from around the hole?) manager if they might have any deposit envelopes....

Lipmeister - The Bank is in charge of the envelopes. If they are out of deposit envelopes I would call the 800 number on the ATM. We aren't responsible for the bank's stuff.

Me - I understand whose responsibility it is and I understand that you are not the bank. I am asking if you might have some extra ones around, maybe found on the floor or something. Even one from the trash can. I don't care. If they answer is no you could just say so. I didn't need you to make a bunch of excuses. A simple "no" would have been just fine.

Lipmeister - I don't even bank there so I wouldn't know.

OMFG. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? I just walked away. I went to the TCF brach on 25th Ave. They no longer have an indoor ATM. I pull to the drive up. No envelopes there either. Thankfully there were envelopes at the next cub foods. I didn't get home until 11, though.

Today I was awakened by the sound of my kid laughing. That's a good thing. Marcia is on vacation this week (shhhhhhhhhhh) and so she gets up with the little buddy in the morning so I can have a vacation too. I come out and fire up the laptop to check that all is well with my bank account and there is a knock on the door. My wife answers and some dude (the building caretaker presumaly) tells here that when we play with sidewalk chalk from now on we need to clean it up, especially on the railings. The railings have two bars on them. The adult bar, which we did not decorate (don't want people to have to wash up just from coming in and out) and the midget bar which we did decorate. Since there aren't any midgets or other kids int he building who might use that lower bar I can't imagine why it would be a problem. I supposed you could not like it if it looks bad but it, in fact, looks good. It's cute and colorful. It's non-toxic, washes off in the rain, and makes this place look like the family friendly building it was advertised as when we moved in. I just looked outside and noticed the caretaker has not washed the sidewalk chalk off of anything. It's obviously not pressing or problem enough for him to do it. Why should we? If he doesn't think it needs to be cleaned why does he think we should clean it? Because he's a fucking nazi with an unsatisfying homelife. ASS.

I was "Lost...in the Flavor"

Woo Hoo!!! This weekend my sushi craving finally was satisfied! This particular variety was spicy tiger shrimp and king crab. It was DELICIOUS! This item sure beats the store bought variety hands down. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it...

Truly... If you've never heard me before when I said it...

Please know... THAT's why I don't go out to the bars after work.

Engrish Defamed.

I had thought, since as far back as I can remember and possibly for all time and memorium, that engrish is, and always has been, the funniest fucking thing on Earth. I realized, today, that engrish is only funny under certain circumstances. The following is one circumstance in which engrish is not funny:

"I wasn't professing it as a literal, wiener. I was sent this cutsy and had to resend it as a doof. Though it also falls to a questionable content, as Jay and I were joking over, the wording to the rebuttal I thought amusing enough to share. So relax, you stinky hippy!"

Why isn't this funny? It was sent to me by an aquaintance whose primary language is English; American English.

Haiku Friday

Day After Tomorrow

Grains of sand trickle
Dimensions rendered fully
Future becomes now

"Do or do not...there is no try..." - Yoda

Haiku Friday

Digital Phallus

In contempt of me
An index of ill intent
Dooms my lost spirit

"I got a job at Unique Screen Media!" -Tera Madrigal

Haiku Friday

Farging Bastages

I thought I had won
I had reason to believe
Those sons of bitches

"Hey Katie, watch me wink my butthole!" - Tom Cat

Uncle Rico Go Away!

I'm as much of a free market entrepenuerial spirit guy as anyone else, and I realize that the hardest part of business is trying to get the word out about products and services to the buying public. With all the methods of "advertising" available there are three that I find the most horrendous.

1. Telemarketers
2. Door to Door Salesmen
3. Email Spammers

In my opinion, if I want something, I will go to a store and find a salesman to help me pick out and purchase said item. That should be the end of the story! Telemarketers are bad enough because they ALWAYS seem to call at the most inopportune times. To make matters worse, most telemarketers are trained to not accept no for an answer until you say no 2 or 3 times. It comes down to the point of screening EVERY call before 9 PM, or being downright rude to the person on the other end of the line to get them to go away. Peace and quiet? I pay taxes to be an US Citizen so that I can enjoy my freedom of PEACE AND QUIET. These people infringe on my rights. I'm NOT interested in consolidating debt with a low interest home equity line of credit. I'm NOT interested in hearing how I can take tiny little classified ads and place them in a million newspapers to become rich!!!

Door to Door salesmen seem to be at the forefront of my mind lately. In the last two days, I've had people ringing my doorbell to sell me this or that. Once again, interrupting my freedom of Peace and Quiet. Most of their products they sell are as useless as Uncle Rico's 24 piece set of tupperware that comes with at free model ship! I must have an invisible sign on my lawn that says..."welcome all desperate offers to buy useless crap!"

Finally, Email Spammers, while not being directly confrontational are just as bad by littering my various email addresses with Spam about products and services I don't care about. "Now new improved Viagragain gives you firmness you need and grows you new sod for the fairway as well." Like I have any of these problems anyways, and IF I did, wouldn't I be smart to talk to a doctor??? Or the always classic we'll put 10 million dollars in your bank account. Give us your account number, and then we'll take 9.5 million out in a few days and leave you the rest for your trouble. People stupid enough to do this deserve to get taken.

The sad thing is that these methods of selling seem to be gaining popularity, which means that there are enough gullible people in the world that allows these ways of getting business to be profitable. Gotta love the free market economy sometimes...

Surprise Surprise

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/10/05/georgia.killings.ap/index.html

Anyone else find themselves appalled but unsurprised that this sort of crap is becoming common again now that the religious right is gaining power again? The Democrats used to be the party of the Old South back in the day. But so much of our political landscape has changed. People will actually vote against their economic and social best interest because the fear of homosexuals and minorities. Religious issues become voting issues, morality becomes legislated, and we return to the middle ages in sanguine flash flood of intolerance and feudalism disguised as righteousness. Fuck religious conservatives. Fuck racists. Fuck homophobes. Fuck corporations. Fuck any politician who will pass on supporting a bill which is good for his or her constituents in order to ensure the support or his or her corporate masters in the next election.

Scrabble Addicts Rejoice!

Unless you are from the year 3000, and have your own private copy of the Becktionary, then Merriam-Webster's Dictionary is the final word (pun intended) for the proper use of the English Language. According to this article, 15 new words have been added to the Official English Language this year. Here are some of my favorites...

Bikini Wax - Everyone knows what this is...but I wonder if it applies to the "Man-o-Lantern" wax job that happened to Steve Carrell in The Forty Year Old Virgin?

Cybrarian - This is a person who finds, collects, and manages information available on the Internet. Wonder if a cybrarian as an mp3 of a shhhhhh response that she plays on her IPOD to remind her family to keep quiet?

Metadata - This is a computer term that means "data about data". They could incorporate this into a Star Trek Episode....Data's new pal, MetaData. In the episode MetaData would follow Data around describing what he is doing. "Data opens the door. Data pets his cat. Data uses sit down and laments that he can't understand human emotion." OK, lame plot line, but then again, so are most Star Trek Episodes.

Retronym - a term consisting of a noun and a modifier which specifies the original meaning of the noun. ("Film camera," for instance). Other Suggestions, Chess Club Nerd.. Steroidal Athlete...Cult Scientologists.

So next time a big Scrabble Game breaks out be armed with these exciting new words bound to make you a winner (bikini wax triple word score anyone)?

I WON... maybe... YEE-AH BOY-EE!!!!!!!!!!

I entered 61 points into the 11:10 A.M. drawing yesterday at www.every10minutes.com. The winner of the 11:10 A.M. drawing on 10.2.2005 was from Saint Cloud, Minnesota! That's me! Maybe! It is possible that some other schlep from this jerkwater berg won and this is all one big honking cock tease for me. I sure as hell hope not. I WANT MY XBOX 360!!!!!!!!! According to the site, however, my official recommendation may not arrive until up to 72 hours after the drawing. It's past 5P.M. in Young America, MN where the contest is being conducted. I doubt they have anyone there working overtime past 5 to notify a bunch of nerds they won a game console from Mountain Dew/Yahoo/Microsoft. FUCK!!!!!!!!!! I MUST KNOW!!!! My enormous boner over the possibility of winning an XBOX 360 has caused critical bloodflow to be directed away from my brain and I fear that if I don't find out, for sure, soon I may not be able to enjoy it if I do win. I never win anything. I have the worst luck on Earth. I have a sign on my back that says "He looks stupid, try and screw him!" and if I really were stupid I probably would never notice. Since I'm not, though, I find myself constantly fighting some institution or another about the God Damned money they owe me, owe my doctor, cheated me out of, overcharged me, etc. This one instance will make up for it all if I could just:
a) WIN!!!!!
b) Find out before the lack of Oxygen being delivered to my brain results in permanent brain damage.
c) Take a shit on a PS3.

That's BLOGAGAARD BITCH!

I have found a new, interesting, and humorous blog. In fact, this blog has found me in the form of a Blog comment that went as follows.

Dear ***************,

You once commented on my travel blog about Climax, MN, via the brand new blogagaard, yet you have not returned since. We here at blogagaard miss you, and wish you would come back and visit once more, making as many witty comments as you deem fit. We believe if you give us a chance, we will provide at least two minutes of entertainment a day, which is more than I can say about daytime programing when you don't have cable. That goes for anyone else reading this popular and humerous blog.

Sincerely,
www.blogagaard.blogspot.com

11:41 PM, October 01, 2005

Despite being aimed at one of Infertile Vertical's contributors can anyone tell me how that isn't blogspam? Well, anyway, the blog comments continued with this short and cheeky effort from me (applied to the latest post at his blog).

Thanks for the irrelevant blogspam on my blog. I love it.

6:31 PM

Now you all know that I was just being cheeky (LOL... I LOVE that word) but those who don't know me may not. That's kinda the fun of being cheeky, isn't it? Anyway, that comment drew the following comment from *************** who was the person Mr. Oppegaard was trying to reach and the author of the Infertile Vertical post upon which he commented.

If it was blogspam (I don't believe it was), isn't calling it irrelevant redundant?Anyway,I think the moral of the story is don't hang out with your family. Funerals & weddings only, people.

9:53 PM

I'm pretty sure that a polite sense of obligation and a general need to announce your dissassociation with me to avoid embarassment makes obvious blogspam not blogspam. It's in the bible. So I hoisted the sails of the following retort.

It was blogspam. The only difference was that his was focused on enticing one particular person. The post made no mention of the material in the blog entry he commented on. It only said something like "You came to my blog once. Please come again. It's Blogagaard. Remember, that's Blogagaard. That's b-l-o-g-a-g-a-a-r-d, Blogagaard. Don't forget to come comment on Bloggagard! Only 3 affordable payments of $19.95 for Blogagaard!" If it had contained flashing contrasting colors it would have been a Spoonguard advertisement. So, in conclusion.... "You came to my blog once. Please come again. It's Infertile Vertical. Remember, that's Infertile Vertical. That's I-n-f-e-r-t-i-l-e V-e-r-t-i-c-a-l, Infertile Vertical. Don't forget to come comment on Infertile Vertical. Only 3 affordable payments of $19.95 for Infertile Vertical!

P.S. Calling it irrelevant isn't redundant. At least some blog spammers (the ones who actually do it in person because when the security crap is turned on and the blogspam bots don't work) have the courtesy to say something relevant to the post they are commenting on. They show they have at least read your post rather than just showing up as a random stranger out of nowhere and saying "Dear Something Dirty,You once commented on my travel blog about Climax, MN, via the brand new blogagaard, yet you have not returned since. We here at blogagaard miss you, and wish you would come back and visit once more, making as many witty comments as you deem fit. We believe if you give us a chance, we will provide at least two minutes of entertainment a day, which is more than I can say about daytime programing when you don't have cable. That goes for anyone else reading this popular and humerous blog.Sincerely,www.blogagaard.blogspot.com "

I'm not trying to be rude here and had, up until this point, thought it was funny but Something Dirty has (<- a correction from my origina comment) some kind of inferiority complex thing going that causes her to nitpick the most asinine crap even when it's clear that it's pointless. But, alas, if it wasn't for making yourself feel smarter than other people by arguing semantics that have little to do with the point what would be the fun in living, right? What would I know about fun? I don't drink and hang out in bars so I don't know how to have it, anyway ( a reference to a conversation that took place in the comments of Doordolt's blog). I guess that means that it doesn't matter what I say. If you don't want to believe something is blogspam that makes it not blogspam, even if it fills all the requirements of blogspam.

8:27 AM

HA HA! I hereby brag that I can out-"BE AN ASS" anyone!

No, seriously, I'm afraid to go to work. I think *************** is going to punch me in the face.