Critters 3: Vertical Frown

Imagine (I'm going somewhere so actually imagine it, damn it) a big scoop of the richest dark chocolate ice cream known to man. Imagine it sits in a blender. On top of are two oreo cookies, two peanut butter cups, and a frozen caramel bar. Imagine that you grab a wooden spoon and chop at the candies until they are broken in two and then pour in a cup of chocolate milk. You fire up the blender on hyperdeath speed until you have a nice foamy partially frozen mousse-like result with little tiny bits of brown goodness floating around in it. Mmmmm. Imagine, though, that this is your 8th milkshake today. The thrill is gone. Imagine that it has peanuts and apple peels and stuff floating in it all of the sudden. Then you notice that it smells like deviled eggs and and the drain under the autopsy table. Imagine that it isn't in the blender but in the toilet. And your ass hurts like you just crapped out a Case IH backhoe covered in muratic acid. Can somebody please tell me a brand of toilet paper that is as soft as Charmin Ultra but doesn't leave little white critters on everything it touches?