Fuck Agrestic

I've had enough. I'm getting a handgun. If you drive like you have never driven on anything but a straight dirt road I'm gonna shoot your country ass. It would be easier to burn down Sam's Club, I guess. Then you wouldn't haul your country ass into town to buy an 80 pound bag of dog food. You'd be forced to slaughter that pig you've been fucking and feed that to your damned animals.

College Prep with Whackly

We here at Mental Fiber are always looking for ways to help out our readership. Any assistance we can give to those people who take time from thier goat raping and movies about trains with hot midgets to participate in our little corner of space and time makes us feel all fuzzy inside, but not warm. We know that many of you will be entering your senior year of high school this year and whether you know it or not the A.C.T.s and S.A.T.s are looming over your future like Jeff Smith with nothing but an apron on hangs over an intern (The Frugal Gourmet was innocent BTW). "Hot wok, cold oil, food won't stick!" Since this is such an important time in your life we have decided to throw you some P.S.A.T. style prep. The following questions are designed to help you understand the style of questions you are likely to encounter on the S.A.T.s but with content that you, the reader, can enjoy.

1. Which of the following sentences is written in passive past tense?
a. My dick itched.
b. My dick was itchy.
c. My dick did itch.

2. Which of the following sentences uses a metaphor?
a. My ass is a jealous girlfriend.
b. My ass is like a jealous girlfriend.
c. My ass is jealous like a girlfriend.

3. Which of the following sentences contains a mispelling?
a. Holy crap, that's the most enormous butt plug I have ever seen.
b. Holy crap, are you planing to put that butt plug in my ass?
c. Holy crap, that is the hugest think I have ever put in my ass.

4. Which of the following is the wrong answer?
a. This one
b. This one
c. The one above this one.
d. All of the above.

5. How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
a. One, to hold the bulb still while the world revolves around her.
b. Two, one to flick the switch on and off in bewilderment and one to call Daddy.
c. Three, one to fix the problem and two to have a naked tickle fight.
d. Four, one to hold the ladder, one to switch bulbs, two to read the directions.

6. Which of the following is an animal?
a. tit
b. dooderfish
c. cooter
d. All of the above

7. Which of the following is not a thinly veiled euphamism representing a sexual act?
a. Gorphing hoagie
b. Colonel Angus
c. Felching
d. Punching pork

8. Which of the following can not be used for insertion and penetration?
a. elbow
b. head
c. kitchen shears
d. none of the above

9. Which of the following is grammatically correct?
a. He banged her like she was out of grade school.
b. The dark tinting on the van window was peeling.
c. Quality nylon ropes do not leave rope burn wounds.
d. All of the above.

10. Kangaroos are to wallabies as "Babe Winkleman" is to "_____."
a. The Flying Dutchman
b. Mackrel flaps
c. Dirty Sanchez
d. Donkey Punch

Please post your answers in the comments. The best score will win something. I dunno what. It will probably suck. However, merely by participating you will have increased your chances of future success.

Screw Chi-Chi's right in the ear.

If you want the good stuff you want Allen & Crowley Taco Dust.

South of the Border...Down Mexico Way...

How is it that I am always cursed to get hooked on hard to find foods/food ingredients? When it comes to seafood, I had to get hooked on Australian Snow Crab...which is so very, very rare that I can barely find it anywhere. Sadly enough the same problem occurs with my taste for Taco Seasoning. A few years back I was able to get my hands on Chi Chi's Fiesta Taco Seasoning, and it was so GOOD...then the grocery store stopped carrying it! To my disbelief I searched far and wide hoping to find another store that carried it with no success.

As luck would have it, I was able to find a store that carried it just this year...although it is a bit of a drive. I was elated when I found it made sure to hoard my share of the powdered gold. I think the checkout girl thought I was nuts.

So last night I was talking to Whackly, and he was making himself tacos. That was all it took, I've been craving them all day. Speaking of...it's about that time. Tacos, tacos here I come!!!

Does the Setup Make the Joke?

Last weekend I was able to go see the documentary film called "The Aristocrats". For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, the movie is about the telling and delivery of this very classic joke that has been passed on from generation to generation of comics that has been traced back into the old days of Vaudeville. Supposedly, this joke is one for the inner comics circle and up until now has rarely been told outside of this circle. The premise of the joke is the notion that it's the comic and not the material that makes something funny. The Aristocrats joke has been compared to that of a piece of jazz music where the performer can take the standard material and improvise an elaborate setup to give it their own personal touch...and in this movie it happens with mixed results. After seeing the movie, my opinion was that some of the comics such as Bob Saget, Sarah Silverman, and George Carlin did very funny renditions of the joke, while those like Carrot Top, Stephen Wright and yes Eddie Izzard (sorry Whackly) were the worst excuses for humor I've ever seen.

The premise for the joke is as follows:

A man, his wife and his two kid walk into a talent agent's office and say, "We've got a new act we want to show you...it's a family act"

the talent agent says, "very interesting, tell me about it..."

[at this point the comic goes into his/her own rendition of the most vulgar/foul acts known to man/beast etc...the purpose of this is to be as raunchy/dirty as possible...this part of the setup has been known to last several minutes if not hours...]

the talent agent says, "what's your act called?"

the man says ..."The Aristocrats"

That's the joke. Not much of a punchline, but the humor comes in the buildup. So I'm curious to everyone's take on this joke. DOES the setup make a good joke? If you've seen the movie who do you think did a good job telling it? Do you have your own version of the joke that is just waiting for an audience...feel free to share.

Dark Side of the Rainbow

So, have you ever gotten bored on a Saturday? I have. In fact, after my wife put the boy to bed last night we really didn't have much to do. We had many hours left in the day and nothing, really, to fill it with. What to do, what to do. Well we found something. We queued up Dark side of the moon on the computer (connected via optical cable to the stereo system) and then started the Wizard of Oz in the DVD player. I found several methods for syncing the two but I decided to go with the most common. I had Dark side of the moon ready to play the instant I unpaused it and started it playing immediately after the black and white lion roared for the third time. It works. It's all in there. The album, though, will play 2 times during the course of the movie and really only syncs up with everything the first time through. Members of Pink Floyd have stated that it is nothing more than coincidence and that the technology didn't exist to do this when they recorded the album. I don't agree. It is true that there was no technology available for them to play the movie in the studio but syncing the album to the movie by watching as you play would have been impossible. What's not impossible, though, is for a producer with a stopwatch to time the moive (playing at a reliable 33 frames per second) and measure the amount of time between each significant event. From there it would not be hard to make sure that the songs line up with these significant events. Especially when you begine to realize that almost every song on the album begins with an intro of soundscape and end with a long fade/soundscape. These intros and outros could have been custome made to any length in order to ensure that the points in the song line up with the points in the movie. In the end, using this thin theory, it is possible to assume that the link between The Wizard of Oz and The Dark Side of the Moon is real and not just a coincdence. However, if this were done using the method described above the band may have never known about it. It could have been done by one producer with a calculator, a stopwatch, and an unnatural fixation on midget porn. If I ever watch it again, or if you ever watch it, the album should be started right AFTER the 2nd roar instead of during or after the 3rd. I think that will make it work just a little bit better. The album seemed to slightly follow the movie in the method I used so starting it a second or two earlier would be a good idea.

Good News Everyone....

Prompted by Metallicorphan's query about the new Futurama Movie(s) coming straight to DVD, I decided to do some looking into the matter. The first place I always look is the Internet Movie Database, and look at what I found...this link for a title called simply enough Futurama Movie. According to IMDB, it is in production and is due out for a 2007 release!!!!

Of course, in production movies have to be taken with a grain of salt, I'm not exactly certain if this is the real deal or not, but it certainly whets my appetite for new Futurama content in the near (but not near enough) future. Now if I could just be but in a cryo-tube and freeze myself for a couple of years...

Bad Apples Ruin the Pie

Blog Spam...How I hate thee. After the latest round of comment blog spam, we've decided to turn on word verification on our comments section so that you have to type in a string of letters to verify that you are a human person posting a comment and not just a web bot scouring the net. Sorry for the inconvenience, but blog spam really sucks. This is the only way to curtail it. I'm having flashbacks to kindergarten , when one bad kid ruined recess for everyone.

Peeps: The Perfect Medium!

So there is a movie out called The Aristocrats. It looks to be an excellent film. It is a documentary where comedians from all over showbiz tell a version of the same dirty joke. That's it. That's the whole thing. It's renowned to be obsene to a degree the every day person is unaccustomed to. It's right up my alley. However, because I live in a town oppressed by dogmatic and flawed interpretations of the teachings of Cathol (Izzard Recycle Alert) I have to drive damned near an hour to get to a theatre that is showing the film. For now I have settled for the movie's website. As I was cruising the website yesterday morning I noticed they are having a contest where fans can submit a video, animated or otherwise, where they also tell a version of the joke. The best ones will be in the Special Features for the DVD release. Again, right up my alley. Now I plan to see the movie before I write my version of the joke. I have heard that certain comedians whom I like (Eddie Izzard in particular) tell versions of the joke in the movie that are really terrible. I would like to incorporate jabs at those comedians in my version. I was concerned, however, that I really didn't want to make a live action film and had no experience in creating animation of any kind. I had thought (inspired by doordolt) that I would use action figures and such like the show Robot Chicken. But today I was given a better Idea. Mezzo sent me this link. I enjoyed these Futurama pictures, cobbled together from screen captures of long camera pans on the show. Once I had seen the all, though, I decided to see what else www.punkasspunk.com had to offer. That's when I came upon this. PEEPS! Brilliant! I can tell the dirtiest joke on earth with loads of debauchery and incivility and reenact every tight and penetrating moment of it using Marshmallow Peeps! Eureka! This is gonna rock so hard. I'm gonna have to tape it to my leg for work I'm so excited.

Pano - rama

Today I came across this site of Futurama Panoramic images. This guy apparently ripped screen captures straight off the DVD's and then used another program to stitch the frames together to create these ultra wide (and sometimes tall) pictures. Being the great Futurama fan that I am, I couldn't resist posting this link.

Google Me One More Time

Today Google released a beta version of their own instant messaging service. I just downloaded a copy of it and tried it out, and I am happy to say that the first impressions are very good. Google IM has taken the "simpler is better" approach and I think they have got a winner here. Also being a user of Yahoo IM and MSN Messenger, I have seen each subsequent version of their software become more bloated than Barney Gumbel after drinking himself into a stupor at Moe's. They've added more and more features to their software, and the experience has become less and less about IM, and more about stuff that really doesn't matter (launchcast, stock quotes, avatars...)

Google has really got something here, but they fight an uphill battle for marketshare as the other IM Clients already have masses of loyal users. If you are curious about this new application, you can download a copy of the beta here. All you need to get going is a gmail address and password. Happy IM'ing!

S - P - A - M

Whackly and I have been talking about this for a while now, and it has become WAY more apparent here on this and other blogs. I'm talking about blogspam...yes, that horrible little word that stands for stupid posts in the comments sections created by soul-less web bots that scour the internet looking for RSS feeds to spam incoherent comments that have nothing to do with ANYTHING, but are ready to provide some off the wall link in a small hope that someone reading our comments section will click on it just because it is there.

S - P - A - M don't you know it's my best friend....NOT...guess I could just turn off anonymous comments in this blog, that would probably curtail a portion of it, but I don't feel like we should limit the liberties of legitimate people by turning off the ability to post an anonymous comment. The interesting thing will be to see if this post gets blog spammed. That would be ironic wouldn't it?

Remember The Doublemint Twins?

I was watching the Bonus Features on the Star Wars Trilogy DVD Box Set this weekend, and I came across this production photo of Carrie Fisher and her stunt double sunning themselves in the Tunisian Desert in between takes of Return of the Jedi. For every Star Wars Fan (most guys, and maybe some girls...) ;) that grew up thinking that Princess Leia in her slave girl outfit was the ultimate in grrrrrrrrrr....then this ones for you.

I got a reply! And then I was a dick about it.

Now everything this person said (way down at the bottom... email format again) may or may not be true. What's funny to me is the fact that this person doesn't really get that I don't care if it's correct or not. For some reason people actually believe that other people attach ego or self worth to crap like this. It's just entertainment. I'm a comedian. And I still hate you.

Subject:
Re: Fw: Allah or Jesus?]
From:
fu(%mailto:%you@astound.net
Date:
Mon, August 22, 2005 10:26 am
To:
N!%%!feIIer@aol.com

If you only know how silly that is... "A famous man once said, and I am paraphrasing now, that the ignorant flaunt their stupidity not by deeds, but by their choice of words." Worst Quote Ever. You don't know who said it or what, exactly, they said but for some reason you felt it necessary to include it. Didn't you have a Reader's Digest or a copy of Self or Ladies Home Journal that included something more inspirational you could have pirated? That was a good try at a "there but for the grace of God go I" but when it's plainly obvious that my inflammatory words are meant only to reflect the intent of the original email, only with less subterfuge and a more obvious and honest reaction, it should be considered implied that I care very little about your feelings, opinions, or replies. It was cathartic to be as insulting as possible to a bunch of random ignorant hicks I don't ever have to care about. As far as this email address is concerned, I created it just for this occasion. My regular email address is much more sensible. I would like to commemorate you for being the first person to ever send an email to fu(%you@astound.net. I hope it was every bit as good for you as it was for me. Also, If you don't want your email just randomly distributed around the web then perhaps when you and your friends are forwarding all this Anti-liberty Religious Propoganda about you should take the time to remove the email addresses contained therein. I would think it's pretty obvious where I got your email address since it's in the body of the message I sent you.

> I'm not sure who you are or how you got this email, but I would have loved
> to have had an intellegent convertion with you regarding the Islamic
> religion,
> but simply based on your choice of email addressed, it's apparent that you
> are an immature and ignorant little man trying to make a difference the
> only
> way you know how. If you are serious about people listening to you, then
> you
> need to act and speak in a manner that doesn't put your low IQ on
> display. A
> famous man once said, and I am paraphrasing now, that the ignorant flaunt
> their stupidity not by deeds, but by their choice of words.

This is important to me.

Pleas click on, and then read, this link. Ignorance is easy. Recognizing ignorance is hard. Overcoming ignorance can be nearly impossible. On this page and actual muslim has posted a reasonable (albeit pro-Islam) rebuttal to the Chris Mathes email I went off about in my previous post. Please take note that the command, from Allah, to kill infidels is described as "alleged." It is described as such because that particular command is based on interpretation and all but the most extreme muslims disregard it. If that bothers you then go read the bible and really take stock of how many of the Bible's commands are either misinterpreted or completely ignored by its followers. http://www.islamicresourceonline.org/files/qv.html the original link did not work and so I have replaced it with this one. i was unable to find, again, the original information I had intended to link to. This new link contains the same info but in a much more in-depth and long winded text.

I AM evil! But have I gone too far?

Starting with the ":" which appears a few sentences from now is the body of an email I recently sent to the people on the different lists of addresses on a forward I recieved. Now I recieved this forwared from a friend who wanted to to take note of how stupid the contents were but up until it reached her each person involved in the chain that lead to me had forwarded it because they believed it. I have removed all the headers and email addresses. Here it is, starting with my repsonse then followed by the original message below (email format, you see):

Please note that the "facts" about Imam's taking a holy Jihad againstinfidels was made up by someone with a proseltory agenda (propaganda,y'know, like what the nazi's used when they waged their religion fueledwar of eugenics) and bear no resemblance to actual truth. If you areignorant and judgemental enough to believe that this poorly written bitof excessive exposition littered with claims that only a member of theK.K.K. would believe then I hope that, by the rules of your own CatholicBible, you will be shuttled right off to that special corner of hell keptfor people so menally weak they can't be judged properly. Y'know, likebabies that die before baptism and retards. What kind of ignorantmendicant would spread this crap? It's a rhetorical question, in caseyou are talking to your computer. I plan to answer it myself. The kindof world blind, fact insensitive, unquestioning mental sheep churned outby the underpowered Little Falls community. I hope every singlehypocrite in hell takes the time to come by and piss in your wounds whenyou die. I'm not Islamic. I just took a pledge to hate stupid people. Just like you took a pledge to hate anyone who isn't genetically shallow,white as Christ Krispies, and as Catholic as the rug in the rectory thepriest used as a cum mop when he was raping your children.


The Original Message:

Fwd: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: MurphySubject: Allah or Jesus?Allah or Jesus?

Have you seen this one before?

Allah or Jesus? by Rick Mathes

The Muslim religion is the fastest growing religion per capita in theUnited States, especially in the minority races!!!Last month I attended my annual training session that's required formaintaining my state prison security clearance.During the training session there was a presentation by three speakersrepresenting the Roman Catholic, Protestant and Muslim faiths whoexplained each of their belief systems I was particularly interested inwhatthe Islamic Imam had to say.The Imam gave a great presentation of the basics of Islam, completewith a video.After the presentations, time was provided for questions and answers.When it was my turn, I directed my question to the Imam and asked:"Please, correct me if I'm wrong, but I understand that most Imams andclerics of Islam have declared a holy jihad [Holy war] against theinfidels of the world. And, that by killing an infidel, which is acommandto all Muslims, they are assured of a place in heaven. If that's thecase, can you give me the definition of an infidel?"There was no disagreement with my statements and, without hesitation,he replied, "Non-believers!"I responded, "So, let me make sure I have this straight. All followersof Allah have been commanded to kill everyone who is not of your faithso they can go to Heaven. Is that correct?"The expression on his face changed from one of authority and command tothat of a little boy who had just gotten caught with his hand in thecookie jar.He sheepishly replied, "Yes." I then stated, "Well, sir, I have a realproblem trying to imagine Pope John Paul commanding all Catholics tokill those of your faith or Dr Stanley ordering Protestants to do thesame in order to go to Heaven!" The Imam was speechless.I continued," I also have a problem being your friend when you and yourbrother clerics are telling your followers to kill me. Let me ask you aquestion? Would you rather have your Allah who tells you to kill me inorder to go to Heaven or my Jesus who tells me to love you because I amgoing to Heaven and He wantsyou to be with me?"You could have heard a pin drop as the Imam hung his head in shame.Needless to say, the organizers and/or promoters of the'Diversification' training seminar were not happy with Rick's way ofdealing with the Islamic Imam and exposing the truth about the Muslim'sbeliefs.I think everyone in the US should be required to read this, but withthe liberal justice system, liberal media, and the ACLU, there is noway this will be widely publicized. Please pass this on to all youre-mail contacts.This is a true story and the author, Rick Mathes, is a well knownleader in prison ministry.

Kid's T.V. should be more like adult T.V.

If kids T.V. get any more saccharin I'm going to puke. Kids will be completely unprepared for watching real T.V. and the switch is likely to kill them. To combat this sad fact I propose the following:

Nick Jr. VS Playhouse Disney: Celebrity Deathmatch

The bill:

Sprorticus, Sport-Stephanie, and Pixel (Lazy Town)
vs
Anthony, Jeff, Greg, and Murray (The Wiggles)

Now the odds on this one would seem to fall on the side of Lazy Town. There Wiggles team does have an extra man but Jeff is likely to sleep through the match. Magnus Scheving (Sporticus) is all cut and buff and limber, as well. However, if you've ever had the pleasure of catching one of the Playhouse Disney commercials where the Wiggles are just phoning it in with stubble, baggy red eyes, and cold-sores you know that the Wiggles, when not singing hilarious songs packed with ambiguous and vague homoerotic undertones, are a bunch of hard fighting, hard drinking aussies who will nick your wallet when you aren't looking. For this match, I propose WWE style tag-team action with a random assortment of foreign object being hucked in.

Officer Beeples (The Wiggles)
vs
Robby Rotten (Lazy Town)

This is just a filler match between main fights. In fact I propose that this one not be an actual fight but more of an endurance competition. I think each should be suspended from ap trapeze bar above a pool of acid and spun. The first one to let go looses. Officer Beeples would seem the underdog with her heavy giant feet. However, if you have ever watched the Lazy Town commercials closely you will have noticed that Robby Rotten doesn't wear underpants under his tights (nobody usually notices since his acting is about as subtle as Jim Carrey's and his character makes about as much sense as a pink haired white girl and an Icelandic athlete stuck in a town populated by racially diverse puppets who don't like to excersize) and his enormous clown cock snakes around in there in a way that suggests it weighs more than a pair of clown shoes.

Captain Feathersword and Wags the Dog (The Wiggles)
vs
Henry the Octopus and Dorothy the Dinosaur (The Wiggles)

This is a very tough one to call. Captain Feathersword is a pirate so he's probably schooled in fighting. However, his sword is made of feathers, he likes to tickle people, and has trouble counting to 10. Also, every time you touch one of the buttons on his shirt he starts making horrible imitations of everyday noises. Wags the Dog would be a fearsome competitor except for the extreme apathy and the weakness for young girls in dog outfits that has held back his career. Henry the Octopus does have 8 legs but only four of them actually work. The other four seem to just loosly follow a median halfway between the motion of his front two legs and the will of gravity. Dorothy has huge sharp teeth and the bitchy temper of a chick that nobody wants to score on. However, she's a freaking rose farmer who's in love with the only Wiggle who has an eating disorder and questionable hetero street cred. She's obviously not too bright.

Tyrone, Tasha, Pablo, Uniqua, and Austin (The Backyardigans)
vs
Eubie, Wayne, Twinkle, Kip, and Fran (Higglytown Heroes)

This should be tournament play. Even though one team has a squirrel (Fran) on the team it's still a pretty even fight. I would break up like this; Uniqua vs Eubie in the battle of stupid character names. Austin vs Twinkle in the battle of pointless characters. Wayne vs Pablo in the battle of most crackerfied interracial character. Kip vs Tasha in the battle of worse voice acting. Fran vs. Tyrone just because a giant squirrel fighting a tiny moose seems to even if all out. The winner will be declared the better show. Backyardigans is certainly more creative in story however Higglytown Heroes delivers in the visual department. The advantage falls slightly in favor of Higglytown Heroes since the Backyardigans wouldn't even be fit for T.V. viewing by Pakistani standards without buckets of the most obvious vocal processing ever heard. There is more vocal processing in one episode of the Backyardigans than in all of the albums of Brittney Spears, Simpson (both of them), and Hillary Duff combined. There is almost as much vocal processing as 27 seconds of Celine Dion. Also, check out the websites. The Backyardigan's website sucks doodles.

There are so many more. Charlie and Lola vs Dora, Backpack, and Map; The Koala Brothers vs Sombody. The problem here is that I have tons and tons of ideas for this and could go on forever but I have so many that it's hard to decide which ones to use. Also, nobody else seems to care. Daniel Cook would kick the crap out of Filimina Fly too.

Hodge Podge That is Thursday

In an attempt to make Whackly blog, I have decided to flood a few posts today. A couple of random thoughts came to mind today while I was off to lunch before the big golf outing.

I went to Wendy's today and the drive thru attendant forgot to give me a straw for my drink. Instead of actually drinking it right out of the cup, I decided to resurrect one from a McDonalds Cup I had yesterday. There is something sort of perverse about sticking a McD's straw into a Wendy's cup.....hmmmmmm

Secondly, I was thinking today how Whackly was a BFT last night. What is a BFT? It's a BattleFront Tease. Yup, it's true....Whackly called me a few minutes after he got done with work...and left me a voicemail. "Wanna play some BattleFront Tonight?" ...When I got home, I called him back...he wasn't there...NOTHING. When I asked him about it today he said...."Oh, I went out with some people from work". BFT BFT!!!! HA HA HA

One more for good measure. on Infertile Vertical, this link was posted (it has sound so don't click on it if you are in a quiet zone)...it's funny but now I have the Benny Hill Theme running through my head!!!!

Rain Rain Go Away...

Why does it always have to rain on a parade? Or in my case, a golf outing? Here in Chicago, it's been extremely dry and drought-like all summer. Now, the ONE day I don't want rain, it looks like it will be pouring all afternoon. Figures...Murphy's Law and all...it was sunny yesterday, it's suppose to be sunny tomorrow...but today...OF COURSE, the skies are gonna open up like a turtle shell at a slack jawed yokel convention. Does anyone know of an anti-rain dance?

Quagmire is Funny, Real Life is Creepy

I enjoy Quagmire's perverted antics on Family Guy as much as the next guy, but when I read this article on a real life Quagmire, it is not funny, but rather disgusting. Excerpts from the article are as follows:

Police said Richard Aquino (pictured, right), who owns the convenience store at 15 Mile and Kelly roads, would squat down at a low shelf and reach out his camera phone to take photographs up the skirts of unsuspecting women. A 19-year-old woman reported to police that she was at the check-out counter when she saw him crouched down, with his arm extended under her skirt to take a photograph, Local 4 reported.

Not to state the obvious but WHAT WAS HE THINKING??? Did he think he was going to get away with his perversion scot free? If he did, he is probably the stupidest man alive, and deserves all he gets. Maybe he never learned that a google image search would net him similar results with much less chance for criminal charges. Although, maybe he got off on the danger factor???

Sadly, in this new era of camera phones, and video surveilance big brother is always watching to some degree. I remember reading some time ago that many health clubs had banned cell phones in their locker rooms for this very reason. It's sad to think, that in real life, combining Apu with Quagmire equals apalling.

What's the damned point.

If you are a parent who allowed your child to have a copy of GTA San Andreas you are an idiot. If you are a parent who allowed your child to have a copy of GTA San Andreas AND you have the audacity to blame video games for your child's behaviour you should be forced to spend a month with a copy of GTA San Andreas shoved up your ass. What's the point of useless ratings if the parents ignore them? If you are a parent who allow their child to play video games but is completely divorced from video games yourself then you a prat, a twat, and a naive dickweed. If you don't know what your kids are up or what they are playing then it's YOUR DAMNED FAULT if he plays Postal 2 and it inspires him to shove a rifle up a cat's ass as a silencer. Besides, a video game could never make a child do something they wouldn't already do. All it does it give them better ideas. But your kid hardly needs to play a video game to start getting ideas about how to blow shit up or shoot up a school. Methods of deaf found in reading material are much more creative than those that are used in tv and games. In books you aren't limited to killing someone in a way that is visually reproduceable.

Don't Feed the Bears...Literally

I was flipping channels the other night, and saw a segment on Prime Time Live about a guy who came to be known as the Grizzly Man. Apparently this guy, named Timothy Treadwell was to Grizzly Bears as Steve Irwin is to Crocodiles. Unfortunatly for him, he did not respect the danger in nature, and two years ago was literally eaten by a grizzly. The story of this man's life was made into a movie which is due out soon called appropriately enough "Grizzly Man".

Tragic yet I can't stop to think what was he thinking? I'm sure he was knowledgable about the ways of the Grizzly Bear, but in the end...he seemed to forget that he was dealing with wild animals. Real life Bears aren't like circus bears, or even the Chicago Bears...and cannot be taken lightly. His problem was that he intentionally went out to "Bear Country", a place so remote that he had to be sea plane lifted to his camp. Ultimately, the hungry bear was shot after the man came up missing...contents of the bears stomach confirmed what everyone feared, let's just say it wasn't feasting on salmon.

The sad part of it all, is that it wasn't the Bear's fault. It wasn't like he was forraging through someone's campsite looking for snacks in the cooler...this bear was in his element far away from civilization.

I'm sure like many people, I will have to se this movie, so I can learn the whole story.

A well worn flashback is worth 2 brand new experiences.

I was fortunate enough to recieve, from a coworker, a Super Nintendo and Super Famicom emulator that works. I have been using Nesticle at home but it is buggy and doesn't run certain roms. This new emulator(snes9x?) has had a few glitches, mostly rom related I think and localized to Yoshi's Island. What's more exciting than the fact that I have a new emulator is that he also gave me some new roms. I have hundreds at home but never play them. For one, past emulators would not save your settings so each time they were started you had to reconfigure your joypad or keyboard. This was made exponentially more frustrating by reason 2; the difficult nature of pausing. You can pause the game like you would if you were actually playing but often as soon as you leave the window for another program the rom would unload or it would reset upon your return. This new rom will actually pause the whole program if you click away. It freezes the screen and the game right then and there and resumes flawlessly upon return. It also still has your joypad setting remembered each time you open the program. Christ Chrispies, That's awesome! WTF! Why am I going on about the emulator again? Christ, I can't organize my thoughts lately. I need to start smoking weed again. The ROMS! That's where it's at. For years I had searched spyware and trojan infested websites in the seedy german and taiwanese underbelly of the internet searching for a complete and working rom of one of my first video game loves; Kirby's Dream Course. Part of my problem was that I had remembered the name wrong. I remembered it as Kirby's Dream Golf. No matter. I still found many roms. They were all carbon, cloned, and identical copies of some messed up rom rippers worst wet nightmare. Every single one would bug out as soon as you tried to enter the course selection menu. It was as if there was one rom of the game made in the very beginning and every other rom of the game was some bastard copy of an already corrupt file. I'll be damned, though, if the rom I got yesterday isn't working. It's perfect. I only tried it on a larf. After years of searching I had already figured it to be just another unplayable copy. I was SO wrong. For those of you who have never had the pleasure, Kirby's Dream Course is a chip and put golf game starring Kirby as the ball. He has special moves and such but the real core gameplay is perfect. The controls are easy and intuitive. The game has many courses with lots of different puzzles to solve. It is rumored that a hole in one is possible on each hole of the proper shot is executed in just the right way. I wouldn't know. I'm rusty and suck like Mary Kate trying to get a quarter paper off her dad. I am getting better, though. So is she, I hear. To the games credit, also, was the fact that it was a rudamentary attempt at 3 dimensional gameplay. That's something I don't recall ever seeing on the Genesis until the 32x attachment and the Sega CD attachments came out. I have a Genesis emu and all of the games I loved for that system but there was never one "Killer App" for Genesis that really drew me in. My next emulator/rom procurement will be an N64 emulator and Space Station Silicon Valley (Best FUCKING Game EVER!!!) and Donkey Kong 64 for roms. Oooh, but in a partial retraction of my Genesis/killer app statement if anyone knows where i can get a Sega CD emulator and a rom of Willy Beamish I would be forever in your debt. For now, though, I am lost in a sea of little checkerboard levels with pink balls bouncing around them. Now if only my parents would remarry and I could go back in time and tell myself that Art School is a bad idea my life would be complete. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... as if... if I could go back in time I would save hot chicks from peril and bet on the superbowl. Fuck school.

Another 80's Eargasm

That's the tagline that I just heard on the 80's station on XM satellite Radio. I just thought it was pretty funny. I wouldn't even want to mentally picture what that would actually be in real life...eeewwwwwwww..

Anyway, I have come to realize today that it is a sad state of affairs when the music you grew up with now has it's own channel on XM. All the music I remember in High School and College is now part of the "90's" channel in the decade series of channels on XM. I think the worse part of it all is that I remember back in the day hearing 70's music and thinking how ancient it was...but today I'm sure the youth of today think the same thing about MY music. How very sad is that? Time keeps on slipping...The next step for me is my cane and rocking chair, how sad.

By the way, satellite radio is a great deal for people in rural areas, but not so great if you are a city dweller. Out in po-dunk BFE where there's only 2 broadcast radio stations that play songs like "I don't love pork, I'm IN love with my pig", satellite radio actually gives people a choice of music and talk radio. But in the city, big buildings and bridges obstruct the signal. It's funny how the satellite radio services fail to mention this fact. I'm sure they would spin it as a "feature" or some crap like that.

By the way, this is officially the 100th post on Mental Fiber. A nice first milestone...hopefully you have found some amusement in the first few, and will continue to keep coming back for the next thousand!

Star War: Backstroke of the west.

Courtesy of "m" (you know... the deaf guy from earlier) here is a blog from a guy who had a copy of Episode III dubbed into a foreign language and then retranslated back into english for the subtitles. Engrish 9000.

Que?

In an ode to Whackly's previous post of just questions...here's my version. ( I feel like I'm playing the "questions only" game on Who's Line is it Anyways?

Why is it sometimes I wake up more tired than when I went to bed?
Why do I seem to wake up 5 minutes before the alarm goes off?
Why does it always rain right after I wash my car?
Why do black cars seem to show dirt so much?
Why can't the Cubs figure out how to win a game in the month of August?
Why does my cell phone not charge correctly? (It never has)
Why does Ketchup have two spellings?
Why do the workers building townhouses outside my house start so early in the morning...and finish at like 1 in the afternoon?
What do the landscapers do all day when there is no grass to mow because of dry conditions?
Why does Fox TV keep crappy shows like American Dad and King of the Hill, but cancel good shows like Futurama?
Why did Subway cancel their "Subway Club" stamps program?
Why do Millionaire Celebrities and Athletes always get free stuff?
Why can't I find out a clever way to end this post?

Told you so.

So... at work, I am lucky enough to be in a pod of cubicles just outside the offices of my boss's boss and the offices of her cronies. I work with 3 others in that pod. We are loud. "M" is half deaf so yells like an Albino Shouting Gorilla. "KG" is less loud and really only reaches his loudest when he's trying to hear himself over "M." He's still loud, though. I am 3rd. I have a tendency to let people know how I really feel by speaking sweet words in a nasty tone of voice. "D" is the least loud. He, however, is still a tall fellow with a big voice. He would have to whisper to sound as quiet as some people. All of us are made louder by the fact that we have to hear ourselves over the TVs from credit and collections department, the constant chicken cackle coming from the offices, and of course "M." Don't get me wrong, "M" is not the problem. You see, we get these little notes and shit from time to time telling us to be quiet. It seems the boss's boss is being disturbed by our loudness. I would like to take this moment to go off subject and just comment on the fact that parents always forget what it was like to be a teenager and bosses always forget what it was like to actually work for a living. I'm sure, in her memories of her halcyon days in the customer service deaprtment at AT&T it was all quiet professionalism. Never a loud noise was made and never a laugh was shared. BULLSHIT. Anywho... back to the lesson at hand... Usually when we get these requests to quiet down it's because it's a slow or really stressful day and so we are goofing around to either occupy time or to help us relax and function. Yesterday, when the call came for us all to shut up, we were all working. No laughing, no yelling, no wookie noises. We were all on calls. All busy. Now that seems funny to me. That showed me that it had nothing to do with hef thinking we were being unprofessional or anything like that. It literally came down to the fact that she was being bothered by the noise. We have to deal with the constant clucking from the henhouses around us and we don't complain. Our offices don't have doors. Hers does. Seems to me that if she is bothered by the noise she could just shut her door. But why in the name of God would she take responsibility for her own comfort? She's a boss and therefore, by defautl, everything is someone else's fault. Even the military doesn't enforce responsibility for commanding officers anymore. In order to remedy this problem my boss put in a request which I found most flippant. I loved it but knew immediately that it wouldn't happen. My coworkers, one of them at least, was convinced that it was really going to happen. In fact my doubts were met with scoff and scorn. My boss asked that us loud people be moved to the other end of the department where we are too far from the offices to be noticed. He recognizes that the problem is not us but is actually his boss's uber sensitivity and general level of cuntish bitchyness. Oh yeah, you read it right. The official request for the move was made and so it was assumed that it was really going to happen. "Not so" I said. To my way of thinking it was not going to happen because: This boss's boss has to approve the move. She doesn't think it would benefit anyone to have quieter people near her office. She thinks that would not solve the problem but only move it. She doesn't realize the problem resides with her. She thinks the problem is that we are too loud. We have customers constantly asking up to speak up, we have to hear ourselves over each other. We are just doing our jobs. Obviously if, in the course of just doing our jobs the way we are supposed to do them, we are still too loud for her then it becomes official that the problem is her. The problem is her. Let me make it clear. Gail, grow a pair, be an adult, close your door, and shut up. I'm all over the place today. Not very cogent (something dirty 4 u). So, yeah, where was I? Yeah. The move is not going to happen. The boss's boss declined for the reasons I suspected. I was right. That's all, I guess. Kinda fell flat at the end there, didn't I? So, there was a fire alarm the other day. It was confirmed, after the fact, that it was a false alarm. However, a few moments after the alarm went off I grabbed my external hard drive and made for the door. This boss's boss I have been speaking of came out of her office and told us it was a false alarm and to get back to our desks. The alarm is still going off. It's painfully loud and designed to be at a frequency that makes your ass pucker and your eyeballs hurt but apparently we were to disregard the laws of the regulatory authority and the disregard the possible long term hearing loss that stems from exposure to sounds above 80-100db (depending on frequency) and sit at our desks. A few minutes later one of the boss's boss's other subordinates came by and said we could go outside. Some poor kid in the lobby had pulled the fire alarm and was subsequently beaten by his guardian, no doubt. Poor bastard. I don't blame him. Kids make mistakes. When I explain to the doctor that I have had a headache for 3 days straight and it started when I was forced to sit and listen to that fire alarm it will not be the kid who I am strangling in my imagination.

I would NOT have been a Nazi. This quiz proves it.

I am the Expatriot!

The results and links to the quiz can be found here.

My 3 Variable Funny Test Results

I am the Wit!

The results and links to the quiz can be found here.

This is my AVERAGE customer. Wait till I post a picture of a really messed up one.

This is a picture of what I think a certain insane drunken customer, who constantly harrasses me and my workmates, must look like. If it were real I think there would be more crows feet, yellow teeth, and it would actually be a woman but just in case you didn't know what kind of people I have to talk to all day at work... well... now you know.

Quagmire...The New Zapp

Whackly and I were discussing this very point last night. In every show it seems there is one character that seems to stand out more than any of the others. In the Simpsons (during the good years), it was Homer J....on Futurama, it was the Zapp Brannigan, and now on Family Guy I think the award has to go to Glen Quagmire.

All three of these animated characters are funny in their own ways...Homer was funny in a "stupid" kind of way, Zapp was funny in a "desperate" kind of way, and Quagmire is funny in that "creepy" kind of way. In Family Guy's first run , Quagmire was more of an aside ...kind of like parsley, but now it seems he's working his way into television funny-dom every week. While he doesn't top Zapp in hilarity (who ever will?), he keeps me tuning in that show week in and week out.

Name: Glen Quagmire
Disposition: Creepingly Deseperate
Catch Phrase: Gigity Gigity Goo, ALL RIGHT!
Trivia Note: Has spanking bachelor pad with a hide away bar and EVERYTHING in his house converts to a bed.
Notable Quote: "How old are you?" ...16 "18 huh?"

Name: Zapp Brannigan
Disposition: Desperate...Desperate...Desperate
Catch Phrase: EROTIC!!! The most Erotic Part of a woman is the boobiiiiiiieeeeaaaaahhh
Trivia Note: Loves anything velour. Makes Kiff shave his underarms. Wears a girdle
Notable Quote: "Leela, you are the only one who ever loved me"...I never loved you "I mean physically!"

It tolls for thee, bitches.

Why can't anyone have any damned sense?
Why the hell can't anyone leave me alone?
Telemarketing sucks
Why isn't hypocrisy considered hypocritical in the context of politics?
Why do some people wear their insecurity like a fucking t-shirt?
Does anyone have strength or integrity anymore?
Do you?
Is that answer the truth or just what you want to believe about yourself?
Why does my kid like Blue's Clues?
What happened to the teletubbies?
Why did it matter if the genderless, genital-less, androgynous, anthropomorphized alien Grimmace rip off was gay?
Why is Blue's Clues teaching my kid to play three card monte?
Why does aspirin make me have to take a shit?
Why do my parents only call when I don't have time to talk?
Would I ever have time if they didn't interrupt me?
Did I move 300 miles away so we could "talk often?"
Does your kid climbing on the back of the couch and hitting you in the back count as a backrub?
If he uses his feet does it still count?
Is it worth it to try out Modern Combat when it's already confirmed that battlefield 2 will be out on the xbox 360?
This is Steve's last Blue's Clues. This is the one where Joe comes to stay and Steve leaves. Joe is a lot taller than Steve. Steve left to pursue a music career. I wonder what happened with that. Oh yeah... poor bastard.

Sweet Jesus's Pieces!

How desperate to finger somebody do you have to be to...

I'm Rick James Bitch....

Word on the street is that Dave Chapelle has decided to not continue doing the Chapelle Show on Comedy Central. This news makes me sad. His show was fresh and funny, and though it was racially charged, was humorous unlike "Mind of Mencia" which is currently trying to fill Chapelle Show's shoes.

When word came out this spring that Dave stopped shooting episodes and went on his spiritual retreat to Africa...myself, like many fans of the show were disappointed at the delay to the new season. But now, at last...it seems the new season will never come, except in DVD form.

The strangest part of the whole deal is that he had just signed a 50 million dollar contract to continue the show for a few more seasons...money that I'm sure he'll have to give back to the network in lieu of new episodes. What puzzles me is this...why didn't he just take the money, half-ass new material for the next few years, and laugh all the way to the bank?

God Damn It!

WTF is wrong with people!? Can you believe this is true? It's not a russian hidden camera show. It's life in Brooklyn.

OMG I hate the news... again.

Just kill them all. I think the only way to resolve the situation in this story is to kill all 4 parents, the mayor, the chief of police, the district attorney and anyone else who actually moves forward with this. You leave only the victim and the 11 year old rock throwing girl alive. You make them fight to the death and the winner should be a blood sacrifice to carry our prayers of sanity to the gods.

"The Thriller in Bahrain"

Poor old misunderstood Michael Jackson. Why doesn't the world understand that sleeping with young boys is just innocent fun? OK, no more sicko points of view here, it's making me feel ill. Anyways, according to this article, the gloved one is going to try and put his Neverland troubles behind him by purchasing a house in Bahrain in the Persian Gulf.

Apparently, his reputation as a perverted little boy lover has made him search for more "fresh meat" on other continents of the globe. My prediction is that he will fashion his residence to look like a chocolate factory where he can lure little boys to be McCulkin-ized. It seems to me that he is barking up the wrong tree however...what he really should do is invest in quantam research so that one day he can build a time machine, go back in time, and live in the age of the Greeks where he would have been considered "Normal". But problems with that plan still abound. How will he ever get the 1.21 Gigawatts of electricity...and how will he solve the pickle matrix Muh-Hey!

Here's a quick one.

I wish customers were like robots. That way once I have finished explaining a logical paradox to them their heads would explode.

I will always remember you... ...Memory Deleted!

I have nothing to blog about. I am pissed about plenty of stuff but I have already complained about it to someone or blogged about it here so I have nothing left in the system fueling me. Stacey's cat came back from the dead. How fun. I have a lot of very non-specific rage. If anyone could help me out with a subject about which I can really get angry I would appreciate it.

Freekin Yay

The cat came back, the very next day. The cat came back. I thought he was a goner but the cat came back and he just wouldn't stay away.

Have a Nice Day?

So apparently being a multi-bazzilionaire isn't enough for Mr. Bill Gates. According to this article from ZD Net, Microsoft is seeking to patent the smiley face emoticon. First off, I dont' really see how they could really force this type of patent and the patent office would have to be on crack to let something like this pass. But who knows, with Microsoft and their team of crack shot (or crackpot) lawyers stupid ideas like this could come to pass. So I guess the moral of this story is, enjoy those emoticans while you can. Next thing you know, a :) could land you in jail, or accrue a fine that would just pad the pockets of the world's richest man. This act of greed gets a big frown :( face from this observer.

In other news....Microsoft is also going to try and patent the term "monopoly" and create a new revenue stream for the Software Company when the anti-trust suits start rolling in.