Kid's T.V. should be more like adult T.V.

If kids T.V. get any more saccharin I'm going to puke. Kids will be completely unprepared for watching real T.V. and the switch is likely to kill them. To combat this sad fact I propose the following:

Nick Jr. VS Playhouse Disney: Celebrity Deathmatch

The bill:

Sprorticus, Sport-Stephanie, and Pixel (Lazy Town)
vs
Anthony, Jeff, Greg, and Murray (The Wiggles)

Now the odds on this one would seem to fall on the side of Lazy Town. There Wiggles team does have an extra man but Jeff is likely to sleep through the match. Magnus Scheving (Sporticus) is all cut and buff and limber, as well. However, if you've ever had the pleasure of catching one of the Playhouse Disney commercials where the Wiggles are just phoning it in with stubble, baggy red eyes, and cold-sores you know that the Wiggles, when not singing hilarious songs packed with ambiguous and vague homoerotic undertones, are a bunch of hard fighting, hard drinking aussies who will nick your wallet when you aren't looking. For this match, I propose WWE style tag-team action with a random assortment of foreign object being hucked in.

Officer Beeples (The Wiggles)
vs
Robby Rotten (Lazy Town)

This is just a filler match between main fights. In fact I propose that this one not be an actual fight but more of an endurance competition. I think each should be suspended from ap trapeze bar above a pool of acid and spun. The first one to let go looses. Officer Beeples would seem the underdog with her heavy giant feet. However, if you have ever watched the Lazy Town commercials closely you will have noticed that Robby Rotten doesn't wear underpants under his tights (nobody usually notices since his acting is about as subtle as Jim Carrey's and his character makes about as much sense as a pink haired white girl and an Icelandic athlete stuck in a town populated by racially diverse puppets who don't like to excersize) and his enormous clown cock snakes around in there in a way that suggests it weighs more than a pair of clown shoes.

Captain Feathersword and Wags the Dog (The Wiggles)
vs
Henry the Octopus and Dorothy the Dinosaur (The Wiggles)

This is a very tough one to call. Captain Feathersword is a pirate so he's probably schooled in fighting. However, his sword is made of feathers, he likes to tickle people, and has trouble counting to 10. Also, every time you touch one of the buttons on his shirt he starts making horrible imitations of everyday noises. Wags the Dog would be a fearsome competitor except for the extreme apathy and the weakness for young girls in dog outfits that has held back his career. Henry the Octopus does have 8 legs but only four of them actually work. The other four seem to just loosly follow a median halfway between the motion of his front two legs and the will of gravity. Dorothy has huge sharp teeth and the bitchy temper of a chick that nobody wants to score on. However, she's a freaking rose farmer who's in love with the only Wiggle who has an eating disorder and questionable hetero street cred. She's obviously not too bright.

Tyrone, Tasha, Pablo, Uniqua, and Austin (The Backyardigans)
vs
Eubie, Wayne, Twinkle, Kip, and Fran (Higglytown Heroes)

This should be tournament play. Even though one team has a squirrel (Fran) on the team it's still a pretty even fight. I would break up like this; Uniqua vs Eubie in the battle of stupid character names. Austin vs Twinkle in the battle of pointless characters. Wayne vs Pablo in the battle of most crackerfied interracial character. Kip vs Tasha in the battle of worse voice acting. Fran vs. Tyrone just because a giant squirrel fighting a tiny moose seems to even if all out. The winner will be declared the better show. Backyardigans is certainly more creative in story however Higglytown Heroes delivers in the visual department. The advantage falls slightly in favor of Higglytown Heroes since the Backyardigans wouldn't even be fit for T.V. viewing by Pakistani standards without buckets of the most obvious vocal processing ever heard. There is more vocal processing in one episode of the Backyardigans than in all of the albums of Brittney Spears, Simpson (both of them), and Hillary Duff combined. There is almost as much vocal processing as 27 seconds of Celine Dion. Also, check out the websites. The Backyardigan's website sucks doodles.

There are so many more. Charlie and Lola vs Dora, Backpack, and Map; The Koala Brothers vs Sombody. The problem here is that I have tons and tons of ideas for this and could go on forever but I have so many that it's hard to decide which ones to use. Also, nobody else seems to care. Daniel Cook would kick the crap out of Filimina Fly too.