I GOT LAID..... ..... ...... ....... .... OFF

Today was the day. I had just been through a big ordeal at work concerning the fact that Charter (the company that purchased my company and is going to lay off everyone) didn't like some comments that I had made. The fun part of that is that I had only told a customer the truth about how Charter had royally screwed something up and had ignored our requests to have it fixed and hadn't violated any policy or rule. They couldn't very well fire me when it had been clearly demonstrated that I hadn't done anything I shouldn't have (although, to be honest, I didn't do it in the nicest possible way). So when I came back to work my company was in a tough spot. They couldn't fire me because I hadn't really done anything but Charter didn't want my back because they are a bunch of vindictive shitheads (truly... that's not just my opinion... ask around). So they gave me what I had asked for in the first place. They layed me off. How cool is that? What have I learned? Corporations don't like employees who tell the truth. Companies don't like employees who openly question their unethical practices. Corporations buy small ethical companies and run them uneithically. What did I learn about me? Nothing!!!!!!! Suck It! HA-HA! I'M FREE BE-OTCH!!!!!

Birds of a Feather

It is true that they flock together I suppose. The combined brain power of Tara Reid and Paris Hilton, would rival that of a toaster oven...maybe just a toaster that can toast bread...lightly... In this picture they are proudly showing their support of the NFL...wonder if Tara is smart enough to realize that she is wearing a jersey of a "wide receiver"...now, if Paris would have worn the number of a "tight end" this picture would have taken on a whole new meaning.

In other Paris news...turns out in this country you just have to be rich to be famous. Paris has absolutely no talent at all, and I was able to confirm this when flipping through channels the other day I came across a movie called "The Hillz" staring none other than Hollywood's favorite slutlet. I watched for about five minutes, kind of like watching a car on the train tracks waiting for the spectacular wreck, and my premonitions were confirmed as Paris' onscreen presence is that of a potted plant. She delivered her lines like she had been snorting some. Yet, she is still famous...and has had more than her 15 minutes.

Nevertheless, she still has her fans. One girl that had been diagnosed with cancer two years ago asked the Make a Wish Foundation make her dream come true, to meet Paris Hilton and look at all the expensive stuff she has in her closets. What is sadder than a 16 year old girl having to deal with cancer? It's that this girl can't figure out a better person to look up to than Paris "airheadess" Hilton.

Fuckyuesday

I have several weeks worth of Linkuesday links all waiting and ready to go but as many of you know I have other things on my mind. I just don't fucking feel like fucking blogging, OfuckingK?

Frankles, I don't think you, or anyone else I know, takes this stuff but I knew you would appreciate it and you weren't online for me to instant message. So, the above hyperlink is dedicated to you.

As for everyone else, well... get busy dying 'cause if you ain't livin' that's the only thing you have left to do.

Paging Troy McClure

Agent: ...Have you ever heard of "The Planet of the Apes"?

Troy McClure: The movie or the planet?

Agent: The new multi-million dollar musical...and you have been cast as...the human!

Troy McClure: It's the role I was born to play baby!

The Simpsons tries to imitate life, but sometimes life imitates the Simpsons. J.R.R. Tolkien's Middle Earth has been adapted into a musical, and according to this article, is NOTHING like Peter Jacksons' Trilogy Masterpiece. Still, I'm sure many people will go see this tripe, between productions like this, and movies like Larry the Cable Guy Health Inspector...I think I've lost all hope for fresh exciting new ORIGINAL entertainment.

Old School Haiku Friday

False Hope

Nature's slumber ends
New life's chance to roll the dice
More snow, one cruel joke

"Don't be mad at Chef, be mad at that fruity little club that scrambled his brains." - Stan Marsh

Git Off'n Da Dang Roof!!!!

Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel would be proud of this one.

"Hey Brandine, this here's a portable outhouse. Now if they could make some sorta paper that could replace'n them leaves I could buff n polish without all the hurtin!"

If you listen really carefully you can almost hear the duelin' banjos.

Mini Linkendsday...The Scientology Edition

Isaac Hayes, the voice of Chef in Southpark quit the show last week claiming that he can no longer stomach the show making fun of religion. Turns out Mr. Hayes is a Scientologist, ala Mr. Tom Crazy Couch Jumping Cruise, who was fine making fun of Mormons, and Catholics...etc, but once they made fun of Scientology, Hayes backed by his e-meters wielding nutcases decided he could not continue. I didn't realize that hypocrite can be spelled S-C-I-E-N-T-O-L-O-G-Y.

In a Reeses Peanut Butter Cup moment, let's see what would happen if you combined Tom and Isaac.

Remember when Tom Cruise said that drugs shouldn't be used for mental health? Well, some zidiots actually believe that garbage, and here's what happened.

Finally, I was flipping channels the other night, and happened to come across the World Baseball Classic being played in Los Angeles (teams that were playing escape me...because, come on, the WBC is just an excuse to get our Major League Players injured before the real season starts...) ANYHOW, they were scanning the crowd...and panned in on a shot of Mr. Tom Cruise and Ms. Katie Holmes chowing down on some burgers and hot dogs at the game. I could SWEAR...they were drinking some purple Kool Aide too. Nice to see Mr. Cruise coming outta the closet.

My non Scientology related portion of this post involves the biggest sports icon since Michael Jordan. Yup that's right...Tiger Woods just bought a posh island estate in Florida.

Must be incredibly nice to be on the top of the world...a go-zillionaire, the best golfer on the planet...young...famous...some people have all the luck.

One More Reason

It's not like I really needed another reason to back up my theory that George W. Bush is the biggest piece of corn-speckled hog shit that ever came ouf of Barbara Bush (and if you're in the know you know she's known as a prolific and powerful pooper). I had been regularly unimpressed with his views, policies, and ignorance of environmental issues. I didn't think he was gagging some of the world's scientists to keep the debate slanted in a direction that favors his corporate overlords, at least until today. I'm half expecting to find out next that not only does he not care about the slaughter of innocent children in Africa, he actually eats them.

Future Headline:George Bush: Theocratic Nazi Corporate War-mongering Cannibal Liar Drunk Driver Dictator endorses giant invulnerable laser guided chain saw wielding Jesus shaped moster robot powered by Dick Cheney's brain for next presidential election. Sees gains amongst felonious vampire gubernatorial candidates and NASCAR fans.

Showing support for the Turtle.

A Bit Of Both You are 50% Calvin and 50% Hobbes

Calvin & Hobbes, like a scruffy yin and yang, are in perfect balance within you. Like Calvin, you're weird, a bit insecure, and can be a trouble-maker. But like Hobbes, you're down to earth and sensitive. It's a risk to say it here, after just a ten question test, but I'll bet you're smarter than most. Both Calvin and Hobbes are crafty, clever characters, and any one made from equal parts of each is a force to be reckoned with.

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 50% on calvin You scored higher than 30% on hobbes

Link: The Calvin Or Hobbes Test written by gwendolynbooks on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Linkursday (or "I know what you did last Tuesday")

Holy Japanese Jesus, Batman!

Holy Overexaggeration, Batman!

Holy HD-DVD, Batman!

Holy overused joke, Bateman!

More NRev!

Long distance lan party, Mezzo!

Luh-HOOOOOOO-ser!

I forget which one this was. I must have dreamt it.

Tonight's forecast: 40% chance of doom.

HOLLA!!!!!!!!!!!

Lame...only for the uxorious

Fear The Government, after all that's what they want you to do and you do everything they tell you.

Already DEFUNCT!

Hilarious (possible retread)

MPAA and RIAA need to SUCK MY ASS!

This week's most important link.

Who cares about data mining as long as it's child labor in Africa in the mines?

Hedgehogs singing about axe wounds (Hacked Box).

Back on the Grid

The old cliche, you don't know what you've got till it's gone...really rings true for me this week. A couple of days ago, out of the blue, I lost my cable and my internet connection just like that. For the past two days with no internet or TV to keep me busy, I've been surviving mostly on The Simpsons and Firefly DVD's...but it has been driving me up the wall! Finally, today I got relief as the Comcast Tech made it to my house (He actually came early....which NEVER happens)...and in 15 minutes figured out the source of the problem...a brittle connector from the line into my house to the main cable line. Well, anyway, everything is good with a capital G now...which is good, cause I was starting to get the shakes...

Freshly killed kitten reeks of cute!

Recipe,
1 kitten
1 blanket
1 camera

kill kitten, cover carnage with blanket, take picture.

Just replace the word "Baby" with "Jesus"

I just saw Dave Chappelle's Block Party. Holy shit, son! That was ill! I had thought I would ask if anyone in the group wanted to go to Perkins' or some such place afterward and hang out but once it was all over I completely bugged out in the rudest possible way so I could jump in the car and call Mezzo! Lauryn Hill is the sexiest woman on Earth (I'm not counting you Marcia, because you are above being judged), even if she did forget the words to Killing me softly. Kanye West, excellent although unseen after his initial opening of the show. Dead Prez surprised the shit out of me. I guess I was un-initiated. Despite the fact that a couple of the things they said sounded eerily close to the lyrics of a song by a U.K. hate rock band (just replace the word "Nigger" with "Cracker" and voila!)I saw on a Google Current story ,I think, they still rocked me. Just to be clear, though. Me liking their performance does not mean I want to be run off my block for being a "cracker." "The White House is the rock house and Uncle Sam is the pusherman." did strike me in the right place and reminded me of Zach De La Rocha's line "You know the cops, they got network for the toxic rock." ?uestlove (of The Roots) did the drumming for the entire concert, excepting the closing act with The Fugees, and got a comment in about how sometimes artists will pick up audiences they didn't intent and who don't always appreciate the material for the right reasons. I noticed that none of the frat boy crowd that was in the theater laughed during that part. Wonder if they felt guilty? That mirrored something Dave Chappelle had talked about when he was on Oprah. I hope to not be one of those people who laughs for the wrong reasons. I hope I am laughing for the right reasons. I don't have any desire to scream "I'm Rick James Bitch!" at Dave if I ever see him on the street. I was, again, reminded of the same sort of thing as I watched Carlos Mencia talking about a guy in a wheelchair trying to cut in while in queue for a stand-by seat at the airport. Normally I find Mencia irritating but in that instance I felt he had something to say that needed to be heard. The Comedy Central special I was watching was called "No Strings Attached," if you care. I've gotten off topic. That movie was Brilliant. I dunno if my co-viewers thought so or not but I am going out on a limb and just saying it without checking to make sure my opinion is in line with that of the group. I loved it. I think I will go see it again. Although, next time I will take a vicodin in advance to keep my ass from hurting. Who's fucking idea was it to build theater seats so low to the ground that anyone over 5'8" has their knees at an acute angle in order to touch both feet to the ground. The seats lean back so you could get around that issue by stretching your legs out straigh in front of you except that the back of the seat in front of you goes all the way to the floor and you can't get your feet under the seat. So you spend the movie crossing and uncrossing your legs to give each knee, and ass cheek a break only you can't cross your right leg because if you did it would be in the lap of the poor lady next to you. Raise every seat in the theater 3 inches higher off the ground and there wouldn't be any problem at all. What the fuck. For those of you who don't know what I mean you are lucky spoiled fuckers who go to nice theaters owned by big chains who were last remodeled before theaters hit hard financial times due to the overwhelming piles of crap being turned out by Hollywood who tries to shift the blame for weak box office sales by blaming movie pirates who wouldn't pirate movies of Hollywood could seem to make more than 2 a year worth paying money to see. Tossers!!!!!!!!!!

A shave too close: Waiter, there's PCP in my aftershave soup.

Email Excerpt from Whackly to Anonymous


"... the deed is done, btw... clean shaven... in fact i used a
razor to trip up the chinwool and the areas i clearcut already have
5o'clock shadow on them... and it's only been 3 hours... wtf... too
bad they don't make little nanobot crabs that crawl around on your
face clearcutting designated areas constantly... that would be
cool.... robo crabs... they would also fight real crabs and do minor
dematological repair.... popping zits and clearing blackheads.. .and
at night they go into your mouth and repair teeth and gums and snip
out the stingy little infected tastebuds ya get on the end of your
tongue sometimes... and they would smell like candy and whisper
secrets about jesus..... and they would crap rainbows"


To be clear i didn't shave completely... i trimmed my hair and beard and only shaved areas like my neck and cheeks... i have considered doing little tight lines from the sideburns to the chin like the artist formerly known as the symbol designating him as the artist formerly known as prince. then i thought "No, that's stupid." and I didn't. I did realize about haveway through the headshave that I should have left a mohawk for a day or two but by then it was too late and the most i could have done was an ultimullet with it all shaved in the front, top and sides and still furry in the back... i don't have any firearms with which to kill myself so i decided against giving myself an ultimullet. i did give myself and ultimatum.. which i ignored. i am no longer talking to myself. i am giving myself the silent treatment. we'll see how i like that. i'll probably start an argument with myself or i'll get so tired of not talking to myself that i will just say something casual to myself in the hopes of letting it go only to find i am ignoreing myself right back. then i'll get in a big fight... but the makeup sex will be good.

More severed cat heads arranged to look cute.

Courtesy of Cute Overload (Hitler's favorite since 2004)

Something Ditzy

This one's for all the Jimbos reppin' A/SI

9 lasts:
last ball to the face: every time I see the Charter Logo on my workplace's door.
last cheer: Got first place on Wario Stadium track in Double Dash vs. IamChoCho
last kiss: Right before work, today
last movie seen: Spaceballs
last phone call: Some douche-nozzle with phone problems
last cd played: PF, Dark Side Of The Moon
last bubble bath: Don't recall... childhood?
last time you cried: Same answer.

8 have you evers:
have you ever dated one of your best friends: Why would you date someone who wasn't?
have you ever skinny dipped: No.
have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: yes
have you ever fallen in love: Of course.
have you ever lost someone you loved: Of course
have you ever been depressed: Of course... this is getting stupid
have you ever been drunk and thrown up: Of fucking course

7 states you’ve been to: in order of how much they suck.
1. West Virginia
2. Minnesota
3. Nebraska
4. Iowa
5. Arizona
6. Florida
7. Wisconsin

6 things you’ve done today:
1. obsessed
2. ignored
3. tried to forget
4. tried not to listen
5. felt evil
6. blogged

5 favorite things in no order:
1. Console Video Gaming
2. The Internet
3. My kid being cute or sweet or smart
4. Remote Desktop
5. Star Wars

Chewbacca, you complete me.

Picture courtesy of Chewbacca

Conker: Live and Renutted

On our sister site Team Engrish Hyperforce Go!, there was a post about the banning of certain childhood games and nursery rhymes in th UK for being politically incorrect. One of the examples of this was a game called "Conkers", which Whackly and Myself had absolutely no clue about. Our friend from the UK Metallicorphan posted a link describing exactly what Conkers is. I read it, and am now informed about this game, it turns out a conker is a brown firm nut from the horse chestnut tree. Having an eye for hilarity, I re-read the article mentally replacing "conker" with the word nut. Taken out of context, some of the entries in this article are pretty hilarious.

"It is a hard brown nut which is found in a prickly casing"

"The best nuts to play with are uncracked, firm and symmetrical"

"Each player has a nut hanging on its string. Players take turns at hitting their opponent's nut. If you are the one whose nut is to be hit first, let it hang down from the string which is wrapped round your hand. The nut is held at the height your opponent chooses and is held perfectly still."

"The game goes on in turns until one or other of the two nuts is completely destroyed."

Hints on how to make your Nuts Harder

You could try one of the following:

• Soak your nuts in vinegar.
• Bake your nuts in the oven.
• Use an old nut from previous years.

"Contestants are not allowed to use their own nuts. Nuts are supplied for each game after being gathered and strung by the organisers."

Linkednesday

Ooh, I bet that's itchy... in the pants

Double Dirty Dirty Sheep Fucker! (Thanks to Liberation Tech Support!)

Let your prison pen-pal know how you feel!

Star Wars makes everything better

I never thought my band would have to change its name but here we are...

Everybody needs this... Especially you, skeeternips!

"Oh Shit!" moments can be reversed.

Is this thing a POS? I'm thinking I should get one. (Mdm rental is a scam)

I know someone who had a real encounter/battle with one of these badass MF'rs

Chewbacca... what a wookie!

Which type of internet predator is trying to fuck your kids? (or 1 pound of education is worth two pounds of alarmist activism)

360 txfr now possible! (I put this one here just for me... soon I'll just start posting everything and using link posts as my personal universal bookmark list)

Last minute breaking news from EzMezzo!

And on the disney cruises they use a mickey suit to lure your childern into specially designed "touching rooms"

Natalie Portman SNL Video Link

On Saturday Night, Natalie Portman hosted Saturday Night Live, and one of the "filler" sketches at the end of the show was her doing some gangsta rap. If you missed it, or just want to relive the moment, here is a link to that video...this could be as big as the Chronicles of Narnia rap that was done earlier this year. Enjoy!

Another Headline from the Groan Department

I turned on the news today, and the top story is about an accident at a White Castle Restaurant on the Southside of Chicago. For those of you unfamiliar with the White Castle Franchise, their main draw is a small hamburger that is called a Slider. Here was the transcript of the story...

"At 95th and Cicero today while customers were waiting for their Sliders, a green Pontiac Grand Am did a slider of it's own right into the side of the building." GROAN. Almost need a rim shot and cymbal hit for that one.

Speaking of the infamous "Slider", it's cheap and very greasy...and known to cause some gastrointestinal distress faster than drinking a gallon of water from Mexico while scarfing down some raw chicken. Sort of like a Hot Pocket....(anyone who's familiar with the comedy of Jim Gaffigan has heard this joke), why don't you just take the Slider, unwrap it from it's box and throw it directly in the toilet...skip the middle man!

Thank you, and g'night!

Following the bouncing boobs.

Courtesy of EzMezzo! Great find!

Let the tittilation begin.

Just wondering...

I was clicking around this morning trying to find out who has blogs and who doesn't. I noticed something I found strange. Every gay person I know with a blog (there are four, maybe more but I could only find blogs for four of them... two of them live right here in MN) has "Rainbow" in the name of their blog. Why is this? I understand the significance of the rainbow as a symbol but is the rainbow the only one? I was reading the posts on these blogs and none of the posts seemed to have anything to do with being gay, specifically. There were mentions of boyfriends and whatnot but there wasn't anything there that didn't make just as much sense if you change the word boyfriend to girlfriend and the like. Given that, why is there a need to project "gay" with rainbow in the name (and in one case "fagalicious" as the tagline)? If you are gay, does being gay somehow become the most important part of your life and personality? Is it the primary device one uses to identify with oneself? Is the "rainbow" in the title like bright colors on a caterpillar; a warning of danger? To me it just seems to perpetuate a stereotype. It also seems like an attempt to distance oneself from the rest of society. Like my wife's little brother with the piercings. He's just daring you to judge him because then he feels justified in feeling contempt for you. He wants you to dissapprove. Compliments make him feel uncomfortable. That stems from a complete lack of self-respect. Is it the same thing? I'm not trying to insult anyone, truly. I just don't understand. Of course all of this is just to fuel the fact that I'm sure my repressed homosexuality (non-existent) was discussed after I left last night, LOL!!! That's a reputation it's fun to have, I bet. I don't know if I have it yet, but I did say enough dirty things to Adam to get accused of being secretly gay. Does the fact that I'm secure enough in being straight to not feel insulted by being accused of being secretly gay make me gay? HAHA. I am so tired. I wish Miles would start sleeping normally again.

P.S. Adam almost whipped it out. Poor Erin and Dave, sitting right next to him.

Only twice...

The following link marks the 2nd of only two times in my life where I laughed when I read the word "chopsticks."

http://weber.ucsd.edu/~thall/cbs_koro.html