A shave too close: Waiter, there's PCP in my aftershave soup.

Email Excerpt from Whackly to Anonymous


"... the deed is done, btw... clean shaven... in fact i used a
razor to trip up the chinwool and the areas i clearcut already have
5o'clock shadow on them... and it's only been 3 hours... wtf... too
bad they don't make little nanobot crabs that crawl around on your
face clearcutting designated areas constantly... that would be
cool.... robo crabs... they would also fight real crabs and do minor
dematological repair.... popping zits and clearing blackheads.. .and
at night they go into your mouth and repair teeth and gums and snip
out the stingy little infected tastebuds ya get on the end of your
tongue sometimes... and they would smell like candy and whisper
secrets about jesus..... and they would crap rainbows"


To be clear i didn't shave completely... i trimmed my hair and beard and only shaved areas like my neck and cheeks... i have considered doing little tight lines from the sideburns to the chin like the artist formerly known as the symbol designating him as the artist formerly known as prince. then i thought "No, that's stupid." and I didn't. I did realize about haveway through the headshave that I should have left a mohawk for a day or two but by then it was too late and the most i could have done was an ultimullet with it all shaved in the front, top and sides and still furry in the back... i don't have any firearms with which to kill myself so i decided against giving myself an ultimullet. i did give myself and ultimatum.. which i ignored. i am no longer talking to myself. i am giving myself the silent treatment. we'll see how i like that. i'll probably start an argument with myself or i'll get so tired of not talking to myself that i will just say something casual to myself in the hopes of letting it go only to find i am ignoreing myself right back. then i'll get in a big fight... but the makeup sex will be good.