I used to like ColdPlay

In fact, I have purchsed each of Coldplay's CDs. The copy of this disk that I bought didn't have any of this copy protection shit on it, that I know of. If it did it sure wasn't hard to bypass. I own an aweful lot of CDs but the first thing I do with them is rip them to high bit rate audio files and put the cd away in a soft case. I use my computer (actually my xbox 360) to listen to all my music. If I can't make a digital copy for my own use (seems to me there was a law affirming my rights in that regard) I have no use for the music. I've yet to meet a copy protected disk I couldn't defeat. I don't feel bad about saying so since I paid for a copy of the disk. However, I will be selling my Coldplay CDs to the Electric Fetus. I might even delete the MP3 files since I don't plan to listen to the band anymore. Actually, it makes my point better if I keep them. So... fuck you Coldplay. Fuck you and your kids named Apple. Right in the God Damned ear, whiney bunch of child-abuse surviving limey pussies that you are

Why Courtney Love?

She's nuts and we all know it. That's sad because if this had been written by somebody other than her you might take more notice. That being said, please read this and understand that crazy or not she's right on target and anyone that says otherwise is a terrorist.

Corporations have a vested interest in lowering the level of customer intelligence.....

Does Coca-Cola know that penguins live in the Antarctic and polar bears live in the Arctic? In nature no polar bear has ever seen a peguin or vice-versa. Polar bears and penguins have no knowledge of one another unless they have been to a zoo (I am so damned frustrated that I cannot find a screenshot of the commercial I saw before Harry Potter 4 that I could spit). Last year Coca-Cola managed to present it's product as a magical elixer that could wake a polar bear from hibernation in the dead of winter and curb it's hunger enough that it would see a seal as, not a food object, but a playmate. Apparently it also calms fear and anxiety enough to allow a seal to approach, play with, and befriend its mortal natural enemy, the polar bear. That could be scientifically achievable with the right drugs, I guess. Maybe Coke can do this but I doubt it. I think a cold can of Coke gave me a hard-on once but that was the most magic I ever witnessed in a softdrink. This year, howver, Coke has taken the leap into the realm of theoretical physics. This year Coke's commercial portrays the softdrink as the creator of a wormhole or dimensional portal whereby light and matter can be transported 12,500 miles from one of Earth's poles to the other. As the polar bear cub enjoys his coke the wormhole opens and as he looks out at the landscape he sees, not the arctic, but light and energy transmitted through the portal showing him what is, in fact, happening on the opposite end of the earth as a group of penguins has a big ol' hootenanny. As his amazement increases he slips and slides down the hill and as he passes through the wormhole his matter is instantly transported to the Antarctic where he ashamedly interrupts the penguin party. At this point the polar bear and penguins can look back through the portal and see the rest of the polar bear family, still in the Arctic. They follow the small bear through the portal and a mutual agreement of non-violence is quickly reached as having know foreknowledge of one another penguins have no reason to know fear of bears and the bears have no reason to view the penguins as lunch. A good time is had by all, until the party is over and a family of polar bears DIES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ANTARCTIC because they ran out of Coke, can no longer open the portal, realized there was no icepack on which to hunt, can't find any seals, and slowly starved. I took high school physics. I read Hawking's Univers in a Nutshell. I'm aware of string theorty. I've watched Futurama. THIS ISN'T POSSIBLE! COKE LIES TO YOU!!!!!!!

Technology is Wonderful Sometimes...

The running joke with my family is that I'm always "plugged in"...describing my love of technology. Sometimes, it is frivolous, but sometimes it really does help out matters. Yesterday, I got a call from my Brother asking me to check around for a Christmas Gift for my Parents. I ended up at Target, and found 3 varieties of outdoor fireplace that they were wanting to get them. So I ended up taking pictures with my phone and emailing them to them so they could decide which one they wanted me to purchase...This will make an interesting story to tell them on Christmas Morning!

Linkursday (Shut up!)

The milk's gone bad!

Shorn (All bisquit, no whiskers)

www.ratemypubes.com (Keep those search hits coming)

Back by popular demand: ALL HAIL THE HYPNOTOAD!

www.ratemysister.com (Thank you Sister Mary Search Hit. May I have another)

Brittney Spears Sex Tape (And Mental Fiber's hits go through the roof!)

Aurora Borealis...Centralized Entirely...

...On the front lawn. Here is a link to the Full Display, this Christmas Lights Display rivals the Griswalds'...(BTW you have probably seen this display in the Miller Lite Commercials that have been playing this Holiday Season). Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

Let's get ready to RUMBLE!

I've decided to throw Lao Tsu into the fray and see how he fairs at KITTENWAR.

Go To http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/ For More

Linkednesday

Is there a purgatory for floor joists?

Adults shouldn't play with kid's toys.

Somebody check the bathroom for a Hugh Jass!

Nuesday (Blitzkrieg)

Home Movies Season 3 (the final season) is out on DVD and I have it.

Nuesday (Blitzkrieg)

Cuteoverload.com unwittingly posts picture of kitten's severed head.

Packers Sent Packing

Being from Chicago, it has been tough to be a Bears fan the last decade or so, cause the Bears were always getting upstaged by the Green Bay Packers. In fact, the Packers seemed to have a stranglehold on all the teams in the NFC Central (Now NFC North). But not this year...last night the Packers were crushed on national television 48-3. They have been getting beat this year, but this game was different...in getting trounced...

• Brett Favre Looked old
• Players played with no passion
• The team looked truly outclassed

This marks an end of an era...one that seemed to go on too long in my mind. I needn't make jokes about how bad they are playing, cause their season is the punchline.

Nuesday (Blitzkrieg)

HP Tech Support Rocks The Ass End Of Weasel

Not that you needed one....

But here's one more reason to hate Kaiser Bush. If you can forgive him for his repeated impeachable lies, his hypocritical religious stumping, and his blatant exploitation of the the attacks of September 11th, 2001, etc. etc. maybe you can see his evil based on his latest misdeed. That VD-encrusted-pole smoking lap-monkey corporate puppet tool pre-empted a rerun of the Family Guy with the Bill Lumburg (Office Space) cameo with a speech where he said nothing true, whatsoever. In fact he didn't really say anything at all.

Haiku Friday

If that's what you are here looking for.... bite me.

Friday Funnies

A couple of funny images that I couldn't resist sharing...

Seems a little bit like tales from Hazzard County. "Good News Flash!"

This is right out of Tim Allen trying to "rewire it", or the "you might be a redneck if..." routine from Jeff Foxworthy...

Retard Journalism (without the drool but twice as many adult diapers)

http://www.joystiq.com/entry/1234000400069859/

The above article entitled "Vertical Xbox 360s endanger disks; play safe, play horizontally" would give you the impression that using your Xbox 360 vertically could damage your games. The original report of this happening (posted on 1up.com on 360 release day) was caused by the user purposely tipping the 360 while it was running so he could see the lights change on the front (the 360 auto detects its orientation and adjusts the player lights accordingly). That one post sparked a world of rumor. The above article is a result of that rumor mill. Please read the article starting with the headling. As you read on it is made clear that the danger is in tipping the 360 over while it's running causing a spinning disk (which is already wobbling) to gyroscopically pull itself off the spindle and crash into the lens and the other interal part of the drive. This would scratch the disk beyond repair. So, in fact, the 360 won't hurt your disk unless you set it one the floor and somebody trips over it or some thing stupid like that. What's important is that the 360 alone cannot hurt the disk. It must be subject to some outside force. It's pretty hard to say it's a microsoft design flaw in the 360 when the exact same problem exists in every cd or dvd drive ever made that wasn't an automotive slot load drive. People want to know something about everything so they listen to all these damned rumors about the 360 and having had one for nearly a month and having researched all the romors I have heard thoroughly and repeatedly I can clearly, honestly, and factually state that all the rumors about xbox 360 failures and disk damage are bull shit. There are isolated and annecdotal cases but they are not representative of any significant percentage of 360 owners. So let's be clear. Having your xbox 360 vertical will not harm your games. Changing the orientation of your 360 from vertical or horizontal or vice versa while a disk inside is spinning is, however, likely to damage your game quite a bit. Since the 360's orientation is easier to accidently alter when it is vertical (it's center of gravity is higher and the footprint is smaller making the angle needed to push the center of gravity over the edge of the footprint much shallower) people think you shouldn't have your 360 vertical. To me that means that you shouldn't put your $400 game console somewhere stupid where it could be accidently knocked over. Especially since laying the 360 down horizontal does restrict the airflow to two of the intake vents and could slow down the flow of fresh, cool air to the cooling system. Also, just in case you are someone who tends to believe rumors and are unaware... Every mass forward email you've recieved from everyone ever was bullshit. Even if it contained an element of truth like 3 steps to help you diagnose a stroke please be aware that, in order to fool dumb people into believing more strongly, other false claims will be made. The irony of this is that dumb people don't care about proof (war in Iraq, people! where are the WMDs?) so any proof included only serves to tip off the any critical thinker. If you have ever forwarded a mass email forward to me my official policy is I hate you.

Cell Phones and Children's Television have GONE TOO FAR

Miles and I have been watching Noggin in the mornings. It's less sacharin than the Disney Channel and less full-on retarded than Nickelodeon plus there's that lady on Jack's Big Music Show that hides her mole behind her hair. Miles likes the music and I love being one Mole-Watch. This morning we were watching Oobi. Oobi is a show with puppets but the puppets are just hands with eyeballs on them. It's strange. It's not our favorite. But it doesn fill the gap between Ruby and Max and Maggie and the Ferocious Beast. Today on Oobi all the children (Oobi included) were putting on a play. This is the 2nd half of the show. The first half featured dance lessons with a effeminate instructor played for stereotype (hard to do with just a hand but BRAVO! they did it). Now, as the children arranged for opening curtain backstage and wished each other broken legs they don't have a snooty (another stereotype) drama instructor addressed the crowd. As he prepared to leave the stage he exclaimed "Cell Phones Off!" which send the entire audience snuffling about and brought a chorus of dingy shut down tones. He then yelled "Enjoy!" and the curtain opened to reveal a musical version of Little Red Riding Hood.

Was that a gag?
No. Nothing in these overproduced children's shows happens without intention to instruct.
Why are they trying to teach my 2 year old cell phone etiquette?
Because cell phones have gone too far. There are fake previews at movie theatres now that turn out to be a big joke instructing you to turn off your cell phone. There are signs at restaurants.
I use my cell phone all the time so I'm not going to bitch about cell phone users. I will say this. If your desire to argue with some bitch ass over the cell phone outweights your sense of common courtesy then my official policy states that I hate you. If your cell phone conversation distracts you enough to cause you bump into someone, apologize and at least pretend like the conversation is important enough to warrant your haste and distraction. If you are going to run down my wife with your plastic shopping cart while she tries to decide which glass cleaner to buy because you are engrossed in a cell phone conversation about your sister's boyfriend and you don't even have the nerve to apologize my official policy is I kill you.

The guy with the megaphone at the front of the boat says....

I got a forward (and I hate forwards) that claimed that if a stroke is diagnosed and treated within 3 hours its effects can be completely reversed. I have been unable to confirm anything concerning this and it may be complete bullshit but I did check with snopes.com and truthorfiction.com (and a few other sites) and they all verified that this next bit of information is a bona fide life saver. Please read the following:

RECOGNIZING A STROKE

Thank God for the sense to remember the "3" steps. Read and Learn!Sometimes symptoms of a stroke are difficult to identify.Unfortunately, the lack of awareness spells disaster. The stroke victim may suffer brain damage when people nearby fail to recognize the symptoms of a stroke. Now doctors say a bystander can recognize a stroke by asking three simple questions:

1. *Ask the individual to SMILE.!

2. *Ask him or her to RAISE BOTH ARMS.

3. *Ask the person to SPEAK A SIMPLE SENTENCE (Coherently) (i.e. . . It is sunny out today)

If he or she has trouble with any of these tasks, call 9-1-1 immediately and describe the symptoms to the dispatcher. After discovering that a group of non-medical volunteers could identify facial weakness, arm weakness and speech problems, researchers urged the general public to learn the three questions. They presented their conclusions at the American Stroke Association's annual meeting last February. Widespread use of this test could result in prompt diagnosis and treatment of the stroke and prevent brain damage.

Please remember and use this unless you want someone you love (or feel vaguely indifferent about) to end up looking like that two-face quilting lady on PBS or, worse yet, the drool faced nun on the wheezy jeezy channel. Don't watch those channels? Not even for laughs? Think Mary Joe Buttafuco or Tara Reid (salami nipples)! UCK!

Ghost of Christmas Past

It's amazing how some memories stick out in your mind so vividly, sometimes for no reason whatsoever. This is one such memory for me, that was jogged free from my long term memory at the discussion of a Holiday Party, and the various treats like candy canes, egg nog, and gingerbread cookies...

The year was...too long ago to be important...I was in 3rd grade, and it was time for the 3rd grade Christmas Play. Not being a master thespian, I did not draw an important part like the part of Santa, instead I was relegated to the supporting part of Gingerbread Man # 2 in the Gingerbread Chorus. My Mom made me a homemade gingerbread man costume (no it didn't look like Ralph Wiggam's FLOREEDA costume), and I was set for the big play. The song we had to sing went something like this...

We are the Gingerbread Men,
We're small and brown and crunchy,
Gingerbread Cookies are we,
You'll find us delightfully munchy,
Gingerbread buttons and eyes have we,
A cute little gingerbread nose...

I kinda feel like Jim Carrey in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind now. Sometimes it still amazes me that I can still remember minutea about things that happened so long ago. But now back to the present...which reminds me, I still need to start my Holiday Shopping. So many things to do, so little time...

Nuesday

Brokeback Mountain at the Golden Globes

The cowboy romance "Brokeback Mountain" led Golden Globe contenders Tuesday with seven nominations. The slew of award nominations, including Best Dramatic Picture have this movie positioned for a strong run at the Academy Awards. Director Ang Lee was ecstatic about the nominations, and when asked about his work on a film about a couple of gay cowboys, he was replied "This script was fresh and exciting. We did something that has never been done in a Western before, in that ultimately, the good guys end up getting it in the end."

Linkuesday

This Tuesday's link should be filed under... um....

"Holy God and Baby Jesus, that was the scariest 70 year old ginger wookie bush ever!"



Now there is whole video here. But keep your eyes peeled, people, no matter how much you wish to close them. For about 3/10ths of a second the most foul thing on Earth is displayed in all it's brambly festering glory.

"Who let the dog's out?"

In order to help you clean your eyeballs we proudly present

BITCHES WITH SWITCHES!!!!!!!!!

O.K.... they aren't all switches... but who cares...

Is That Greenscreen on Your Crotch...

Superman really IS Superman...apparently, according to this article, actor Brandon Routh, who plays the role of Superman in the next full length movie is too well endowed to fit the standard codpiece that the man of steel is suppose to wear. Movie executives thought that his package would be distracting to moviegoers. To fix the problem, they had talked about digitally removing part of his bulge in post production, and have since fitted him with a special codpiece that allows them to reconfigure his bits n pieces. Mr. Routh should look on the bright side...if he totally bombs in Hollywood, at least he can get work in the "Valley" doing entertainment for more mature audiences. UP UP AND AWAY!!!!!!!!!

File Under: True Enough

Linkuesday Tuesday propels Mental Fiber to New Heights!

Last Tuesday's Linkuesday has done more to generate hits for Mental Fiber than anything else in the blog's short history. A cursory glance at our traffic and the referring websites from which this traffic comes shows that the inclusion of www.ratemysister.com and www.ratemypubes.com in the list of links that may or may not exist has increased traffic to Mental Fiber by nearly 75%. Oddly enough the majority of the people searching for www.ratemysister.com using Yahoo! Search are not from the deep south as you might expect, but from Alaska. Isolation due to incapacitating cold plus a lack of available single females inspires a cursory curiosity about incest. We can all agree on that. But what's really strange is that the people that came to Mental Fiber looking for www.ratemypubes.com are not from France. They are from here, in the U.S. You'd think real bushwhackers would be from somewhere it isn't considered icky to be completely unshorn. Maybe my assumptionm that www.ratemypubes.com would be a site for huge, scary, wookie bush is incorrect. Perhaps www.ratemypubes.com would be more like a gallery for those whose pubes are expertly and uniquely styled. Perhaps a festive configuration involving battery powered christmas lights, red and green manic-panic, and a tub of Bed-Head Ultra-Hold. Where would one hide the battery pack?

Haiku Friday

Marketing Christmas

Starbucks does it best
Concoctions with peppermint
Worth premium price

"With my 300 dollar tax rebate I'm gonna buy 300 cups of coffee." - Phillip J. Fry

Haiku Friday

Black Friday

Day after T-Day
Must buy everything in sight
Christmas Cheer on sale

"Why get an aluminum tree when there are perfectly good wooden ones." - Charlie Brown

Sushi Too Fresh For My Tastes...

I was on the blog of Kevin Rose recently, (he is the former host of The Screensavers, Attack of the Show on G4tv)...and he has a couple of video clips of him eating a live fish...this is even too much for my exotic tastes. Gives me the heebies and the jeebies. Check these clips out, if you are curious...but don't blame me for any ill effects...you have been warned!!!

First you catch the fish

Then you eat the fish...Sushi Anyone???

In the Greatest Marketing Campaign Since Crystal Pepsi...

Coca Cola has outdone itself in the marketing arena it seems. They have had some "stinkers" of product ideas in the past. Most recently Vanilla Coke, which was promptly discontinued...and one of the biggest blunders in marketing history..."New Coke", which was so badly conceived that they had to bring back the old formula as "Classic Coke"...even now it is marketed that way, even though the "New Coke" has gone the way of the dinosaur and the Edsel. It seems that Coca Cola has gone and done it again...with their latest and greatest marketing idea.

Is it Coffee or Coke????

OK, not that kind of coke, but you get the idea. In an announcement yesterday, Coca Cola announced a new kind of softdrink, which is a blend of coffee and coke to create a new drink called Coca Cola Blak.

One ponders the question, is this a good idea? Will it be like "you combined your chocolate with my peanut butter", or like Forrest Gump's "Peas and Carrots"? On the Drew Carey Show, they use to talk about their Buzz Beer which was a combination of coffee and beer, but even that seems to be a better combination that Coke and coffee. Only time will tell if it becomes a marketing hit or miss, if it misses maybe they can rename the product to Coca Cola Blech.

Nuesday (Breaking News)

Spelunking Astronauts Risk Lives For Science

Astronauts from all over the world are beginning training with both the E.S.A. and N.A.S.A for a joint mission to explore the vast canyons and caverns found in the southern hemishpere of Earth's newly discovered 2nd moon, Shaqueefa. A new two stage launch is currently planned with the astronauts boarding a flight/mission craft from the International Space Station and stopping to refuel at the McDonald's near which Shaqeefa's orbit is fixed. Scientists are expecting to find large deposits of fossilized biomass and huge deposits of hydrocarbon fuel. It is believed that Shaqueefa was formed during the same Earth impact whose ejecta also formed the moon. Said Shaqueefa's mother "I remember the impact but it's not like the Earth moved or anything."

Nuesday

Global Warming Studies Proven False

After a recent study, the National Association of Climatologists reported that global warming seems to have been a phantom trend. Those predicting doom and gloom due to greenhouse gasses were astounded by the finding. Dr. Robert Freeze said that the findings were so inconclusive, that he was convinced that the whole myth of global warming could have been a product of a mis-information campaign headed by the group HVAC for Life.

Not only is global warming possibly non-existent, but Global Cooling could be a real reality. Talking to the locals in Iron Mountain, Michigan last week, it was discovered that the temperatures have been decreasing rapidly ever since August, to record lows this week of -10 below zero. Local resident Cletus "One-Nut" McGinty said, " It's colder than a witches t*t out there, I should know about cold...they call me one-nut because I lost a testicle back in odd six due to frostbite from trying to take a p*ss in the snow. When something like that happens to you, you never forget it. If the cold trends continue, by May it will be -200 degrees...talk about freezin'." Is Global cooling a reality? Only time will tell, in the meantime better break out the Brandy and be prepared to start hunting Polar Bears.

Linkuesday (You Wish! Edition)

These links may or may not work. None of them were tested. If they don't, you wish they did.


www.geishafight.com
www.1800hookers.com
www.kevinbaconsbacon.com
www.trishymouse.net
www.brotherswierdogirlfriend.org
www.cheapweed.biz
www.hymenclimber.de
www.fraternityassmaster.com
www.areyougellin.com
www.bigfuckoffbeards.com
www.upsidedownafro.net
www.underagemagicians.tv
www.thepassivefetishist.com
www.illegalrodents.org
www.hokido.co.jp
www.ezmezzo.com
www.teamengrish.com
www.professionalpirateservices.com
www.triggercaearthquake.com
www.msclausenude.com
www.furryfury.com
www.historicalassrape.com
www.rustynailthroughmyfoot.org
www.logyourip.gov
www.funwithfaeces.com
www.padmevsleiaticklefight.com
www.trekkiesgettingbeaten.com
www.kittensandyarn.com
www.ediblepets.com
www.hotkarlhowto.com
www.althletejockstrapodorreviews.com
www.scratch-n-sniffwebsties.com
www.ratemystains.com
www.ratemypubes.com
www.ratemysister.com
www.ratemyboil.com
www.ratemyratesite.com
www.raccoonsvsraccoondogs.com
www.scoopie.com
www.discountnipplewax.com
and
www.findthedouche.com

Hack File! (new regular?)

In "Hack File" we find semi-prefessional and ameteur photography on the net and expose it for what it really is: Velcro For Silliness. Please feel free to offer up some critique.


Please be kind, people. Before you pick this photo apart for being overexposed, poorly framed, ignorant of unity concept, poorly proportioned, unevenly lit, badly digitized and an all around waste of 200 ISO medium format professional camera film please remember...

That poor chump is somebody's brother, and they might not like you poking fun.

To that end, please keep your criticisms focused on the terrible picture itself and off the subject.

Now.........

HAVE AT YOU!!!

Christmas is Coming...

The goose is getting fat. I was out at the mall this weekend on my annual excursion home for the Dixon Municipal Band Christmas Concert, when I saw this ornament hanging in a store ready to be hung on the Ole Tree. Not sure how Princess Leia Slave Girls has anything to do with Christmas, either the secular or religious holiday, but it was strangely compelling. Hmmm...wonder what kind of compliments I would get if I had this hanging on my tree? My tree is up, and decorated...but seems strangely like it's missing something. Bo Shuda, Bring Leia Tonei!!!

Haiku Friday

Busy Ass

Cat scampers across
Nothing achieved burying
Turds on frozen pond

"My new phrase is not 'it's hot', but 'it's sexy'." - Paris Hilton

Tech Support Blues (I knew it was too good to be true)

Kevin,

I recognize that you were trying, again, to help but, as has been the case since my first contact with your company, silliness seems to be the order of the day. You couldn't just send me a new one and have me send the old one back to you. You couldn't just refrain from editorializing on the situation. AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH. Again you have demonstrated that nobody there really bothers to read through the presented material. You would have noticed, if you had looked that I DID CALL IN WHEN IN FRONT OF MY COMPUTER AND MY EXPERIENCE BORDERED ON FARCICAL! I was even told, by the ridiculously inept phone rep I talked to, that I would recieve a call back within 24 hours from someone more knowledgeable. I NEVER GOT THAT CALL!!! This was AFTER Anna (email support) had offered to RAL the part and advised me to call in to get it done. I don't have a 2 weeks to wait while I mail you the defective pcmcia card and wait for the new one to arrive. I did a week ago but now I've been trapped in the belly of your tech support ouroboros for a week just trying to get some help. As I've already stated, if I return this to Sam's club it's because your tech support failed to do its job and if your tech support can't help me why would I exchange it for another USRobotics product? Why wouldn't I just buy something else? Something from a brand whose tech support I have no experience with so that I increase my chances of getting some help to 50/50 once again, should I ever require assistance? Could you have just given me the information without trying to make excuses ("it is easier to determine if a product is defective if a customer calls in while in front of their computer") about how it's not Tech Support's fault that it has taken so long? You attempt to make an excuse only makes the situation worse as it, without question, proves that you people don't make any effort to see where the problem really lies. You must not have read any of my included previous correspondence. If you aren't going to read what I have written and reply with direct and relevant answers then why bother me with your inane conversation at all? You might as well just add an automated message to your email and phone systems informing customers that representative are disinterested in really helping you and those requiring ACTUAL ASSISTANCE should purchase a competitor's product instead. Screw your whole tech support system and the horse it rode in on. Every time I see a ray of hope in an email from someone within your company somebody comes along later and takes a big steaming Hot Karl all over it. It's pathetic. I wouldn't expect me to exchange this defective card. The phone rep told me it wasn't defective. In fact he told me that if there were anything wrong with it its functionality would cease altogether rather than cause speed slowdowns. Since it has been proven through exhaustive troubleshooting, both with and without a phone rep guiding me, that the PCMCIA card is the problem AND the phone rep states there is nothing wrong with the card I can only assume that what he's trying to tell me is that the 5411 PCMCIA card is a piece of shit and works like crap by design. Given that reality I am much more likely to return this to Sam's Club, withough an exchange, and buy something that doesn't suck. Perhaps I will purchase something with better user reviews. I'm thinking Belkin. What do you think?

Have a nice day you assholes.
Fuck, I HATE you now! It could have been different but, DAMN IT,you just can't HELP YOURSELVES, can you???!!!!!!!!!


On 12/2/05, usr_amr_eng@aqinc.com wrote:
Kyle,Sorry it took so long for your problem to be resolved. There are procedures we need to follow before authorizing a return of equipment - it is easier to determine if a product is defective if a customer calls in while in front of their computer, rather than trying to deal with e-mail.I have issued you an RMA # (return material authorization). The RMA # is USR120502009.Once we receive your product back at our warehouse, we will ship you a replacement product back within 7-10 business days. If you need a replacement sooner, and have a receipt for a purchase within the last 30 days, then you could return it to Sam's Club ? for replacement. Please obtain a tracking number from your shipper in case you need to contact us again about your shipment.Thank you for your continued usage of U.S Robotics products.Please follow the instructions below when returning your product.Send your USR product for warranty replacement with an RMA to:USRoboticsc/o Innovate-It935 McLaughlin Dock 33San Jose, CA. 95122Make sure to write the RMA number in multiple places on the outside of the package and on a slip of paper or note inside the package. Any packages received without an RMA number will be returned to the sender. The product should be carefully packed without ANY power cords, CD-ROMs, manuals original box, etc. NONE of this sent in will be returned. We recommend you use a traceable method of shipping (USPS Priority mail with delivery confirmation, UPS, FedEx).Your customer number is 300525061Please refer to case # 300841538 if you have any further questions.If you need further assistance, you can also reach us online at www.usr.com/supportPlease include all previous replies when/if responding to this message.Best Regards,Kevin T at Technical SupportUSR Technical Support-----------------------



The Serial # is *********************************It is a USR 5411 It came with a USR 5461 which appears to be working perfectly.My address is as follows***************************************************************card and router are both registered products.I thank you for your injection of sanity. I have long been a fan of USRobotics products and the prospect of having to switch was unsavory to me.I'm quite confident the exchange of cards will resolve the issueperfectly.What instructions should I follow to complete the exchange?

-Kyle-

-On 12/1/05, usr_amr_eng@aqinc.com wrote:Kyle,Sorry for the run around,What I need from you to process the RMA is the Serial Number for the card,and an address that is not a PO Box for us to send you a replacement.After you send us that information we can go ahead and process your RMA aslong as the serial number is valid and within warranty.Again we apologize for the inconveience I hope this will solve yourproblem.Thank you for choosing U.S. Robotics!Your customer number is 300525061Please refer to case # 300841428 if you have any further questions.If you need further assistance, you can also reach us online atwww.usr.com/supportPlease include all previous replies when/if responding to this message.Best Regards,Jason C at Technical SupportUSR Technical Support

Bombs Away...

Driving my car to lunch today, I came to a conclusion...my black shiny car has a tendency to be a bird poop magnet in a major way. Not exactly sure why, but it's almost as if they "know" what they're doing in a premeditated EVIL way. Almost as if my car is like some crazy form of bird Ex-Lax...a bird does a fly by, sees me driving below, and all of the sudden....OHHH GAWD!!!!! Bombs AWAY....ppppbbbbttt...flight 100 now boarding for Hershey, PA.

I must say though, this particular bird today was pretty coordinated to hit a moving target, that takes skill. All of these thoughts to ponder, in the meantime, I'll be at the car wash :(

Tech Support Blues (Extra Special Retard Edition)

Yet another insane correspondence with USR Tech Support. Starting with my most recent response at the top.

What in hell is this crap? You didn't even read my email, did you? Some phone monkey told me a supervisor would call me back in 24 hours but nobody did. I had expected to hear back today from both the supervisor and "Anna" who, thusfar, was the only rep I've had contact with that didn't seem low-functioning. I won't be able to make it to Sam's Club to return this piece of crap until next week so I figure you have until then to actually read my email, acknowledge the troubleshooting, realize that "Anna" told me to call in for an RAL to replace the PCMCIA card only to have the representative on the phone ignore copious waves of troubleshooting evidence and tell me he can't exchange it because he's unable to determine what's wrong. He tried to blame everything under the sun and when the troubleshooting was done to disprove each instance he immediately moved to something else to blame. I don't think he ever actually considered the idea that the card might actually be MALFUNCTIONING as all, and I do mean ALL, of the troubleshooting suggests. I have tried multiple routers with multiple setting changes, multiple pcmcia cards (and the others work just fine) on multiple laptops, in multiple environments, with multiple reinstallations of the drivers on both machines. The only thing I haven't tried is using an OS other than Windows XP pro. I suppose that's what you will blame next. This "higher up" who I never requested to speak with and who was supposed to call me back has not called. The responses to me email, with the exception of the one I recieved from "Anna" border on retarded. Make this right. I have, for years, used and recommended U.S. Robotics products (through several generations of routers and wireless pcmcia cards and all manner of other devices) and had never needed tech support. This one time I need some tech support I been corresponding with you people for over a week now and, aside from one lucid moment, you have repsonded with the most inept and ridiculous string of customer service prat-falls I have ever seen. I can only assume that this is some manner of joke and that if I keep at it I might get $1000 bucks from some MTV producer or Ashton Kutcher and Johnny Knoxville will show up at my house with a new freaking PCMCIA card. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!!! HOW HARD IS IT TO JUST READ MY FREAKING EMAILS AND RESPOND WITH SOMETHING RELEVANT??????????????????????
??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????\r\n\r\nOn 12/1/05, usr_amr_eng@aqinc.com <usr_amr_eng@aqinc.com> wrote:\r\n\r\nKyle,Thank you for having considered using US Robotics, and we hope to have your patronage in the future.\r\nYour customer number is 300525061Please refer to case # 300840166 if you have any further questions.If you need further assistance, you can also reach us online at \r\nwww.usr.com/supportPlease include all previous replies when/if responding to this message.Best Regards,Johnny P at Technical SupportUSR Technical Support-----------------------Anna,\r\nI really appreciate your assistance and I followed your advice. The call started off well as the rep put me on hold for 5 minutes as he read everything previous to the call that was associated with my case number. However, after having "read" this information he immediately began asking questions that were, presumably, already answered. I realized, then, that he hadn\'t really really read the previous correspondence thoroughly but in fact had been asking his co-workers what to do. This trend continued as I was repeated put on hold only to have him return with another round of questions based, not on critical thinking but on "the customer is wrong" attitude that one usually gets in a call center when your peers are asked for advice. Ego rules nothing if it does not rule Tech support. Unfortunately, after another ridiculous round of trying to blame the router, the settings, the environement, etc. and telling me that if there were a problem with the pcmcia card it just wouldn\'t work at all and that the fact that it does work at all means it is not malfuntioning (seriously, that\'s what the phone rep told me, that there is no middle ground... it either works 100% perfect or it won\'t work at all) I was told that he would have to escalate it to a higher up and have him call me back within 24 hours. He pretty much ignored all of my information asked me silly questions like "Are you using the most updated drivers for the card and firmware for the router?" Why is that silly? Well it\'s silly because there are no updated versions. The original firmware and driver versions are the only ones available. And yes, I have downloaded them from the site rather than trust the ones on the disk but it didn\'t make any difference. He said "I would hate to RMA the card only to have the same thing happen with the new card!" Yeah, I would hate that too, but since all the troubleshooting points to the card as the problem it seems like a reasonable risk to me. It did not seem to be a reasonable risk to him. He did try a new tactic. He began to gear up towards blaming the laptop. Too bad I\'m not an idiot. That might have worked had I not had the sense to test this (malfunctioning 5411) card, and my other (working) card in a different laptop on two separate routers in two completely different environements. I don\'t know I bothered doing all this troubleshooting if the results were just going to be ignored. I guess I just should have called in screaming from the beginning. Anyway, I appreciate that you actually took the time to read my email and apply the appropriate logic. Please accept my compliments and understand that it was not you who inspired me to return my equipment and go buy a Belkin. It was every other person at \r\n",1]
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On 12/1/05, usr_amr_eng@aqinc.com <usr_amr_eng@aqinc.com> wrote:
Kyle,Thank you for having considered using US Robotics, and we hope to have your patronage in the future. Your customer number is 300525061Please refer to case # 300840166 if you have any further questions.If you need further assistance, you can also reach us online at www.usr.com/supportPlease include all previous replies when/if responding to this message.Best Regards,Johnny P at Technical SupportUSR Technical Support-----------------------Anna,I really appreciate your assistance and I followed your advice. The call started off well as the rep put me on hold for 5 minutes as he read everything previous to the call that was associated with my case number. However, after having "read" this information he immediately began asking questions that were, presumably, already answered. I realized, then, that he hadn't really really read the previous correspondence thoroughly but in fact had been asking his co-workers what to do. This trend continued as I was repeated put on hold only to have him return with another round of questions based, not on critical thinking but on "the customer is wrong" attitude that one usually gets in a call center when your peers are asked for advice. Ego rules nothing if it does not rule Tech support. Unfortunately, after another ridiculous round of trying to blame the router, the settings, the environement, etc. and telling me that if there were a problem with the pcmcia card it just wouldn't work at all and that the fact that it does work at all means it is not malfuntioning (seriously, that's what the phone rep told me, that there is no middle ground... it either works 100% perfect or it won't work at all) I was told that he would have to escalate it to a higher up and have him call me back within 24 hours. He pretty much ignored all of my information asked me silly questions like "Are you using the most updated drivers for the card and firmware for the router?" Why is that silly? Well it's silly because there are no updated versions. The original firmware and driver versions are the only ones available. And yes, I have downloaded them from the site rather than trust the ones on the disk but it didn't make any difference. He said "I would hate to RMA the card only to have the same thing happen with the new card!" Yeah, I would hate that too, but since all the troubleshooting points to the card as the problem it seems like a reasonable risk to me. It did not seem to be a reasonable risk to him. He did try a new tactic. He began to gear up towards blaming the laptop. Too bad I'm not an idiot. That might have worked had I not had the sense to test this (malfunctioning 5411) card, and my other (working) card in a different laptop on two separate routers in two completely different environements. I don't know I bothered doing all this troubleshooting if the results were just going to be ignored. I guess I just should have called in screaming from the beginning. Anyway, I appreciate that you actually took the time to read my email and apply the appropriate logic. Please accept my compliments and understand that it was not you who inspired me to return my equipment and go buy a Belkin. It was every other person at
On 11/30/05, usr_amr_eng@aqinc.com < usr_amr_eng@aqinc.com> wrote:Kyle,\r\nSorry for all your frustration with the MAXg PC Card. From your description, it does appear that the card is not functioning as it should.Please call our tech support line between the hours of 10 AM to 7 PM Eastern Standard Time. The phone number for network products is 1-888-216-2850.\r\nAs part of USR procedure there are some trouble shooting steps a tech support rep will go through with you. Mostly likely it will be determined that your MAXg PC Card is indeed defective and the tech support rep will issue you a RMA, for a replacement MAXg PC Card.\r\nThank you for choosing U.S. Robotics!Your customer number is 300522843Please refer to case # 300836489 if you have any further questions.If you need further assistance, you can also reach us online at \r\nwww.usr.com/supportPlease include all previous replies when/if responding to this message.Best Regards,Anna R. at Technical SupportUSR Technical Support\r\n-----------------------I\'m still waiting for a response. I also, just to rule the offchance that the uninspired and robotic answer I recieved earlier mightactually be true, moved the router even closer. I\'m not less than 8 feet\r\nfrom the router with nothing between the router and the laptop. I alsotried connecting to my old USR 8054G with the new pcmcia card which Isuspect is causing the problem and noticed I was having the same problem.\r\nSo... that\'s two different routers in two locations (three if you count mynegihbor\'s linksys) where the problem exists. If i switch to a different",1]
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U.S. Robotics I had contact with.On 11/30/05, usr_amr_eng@aqinc.com < usr_amr_eng@aqinc.com> wrote:Kyle,Sorry for all your frustration with the MAXg PC Card. From your description, it does appear that the card is not functioning as it should.Please call our tech support line between the hours of 10 AM to 7 PM Eastern Standard Time. The phone number for network products is 1-888-216-2850. As part of USR procedure there are some trouble shooting steps a tech support rep will go through with you. Mostly likely it will be determined that your MAXg PC Card is indeed defective and the tech support rep will issue you a RMA, for a replacement MAXg PC Card. Thank you for choosing U.S. Robotics!Your customer number is 300522843Please refer to case # 300836489 if you have any further questions.If you need further assistance, you can also reach us online at www.usr.com/supportPlease include all previous replies when/if responding to this message.Best Regards,Anna R. at Technical SupportUSR Technical Support