Behold, Y'all.

My sausage brings all the girls to the yard, and they're like "It's better than y'all's."

Damned right, it's better than y'all's.

I could teach you, but I'd have to charge.

V-Dub. Holding it down on ze engineering tip, y'all.

 Hey, angryshortbloke!  Check out what my wife had in her bag when she picked me up today!

Arch Duke Ferdinand

A prediction. If the United States of America fucks up Iraq, Iran and Sudan the trifecta is that someday the history books will remember this man as a martyr and the starting point of every work which seeks to chronicle World War III.

My wife can verify that Mezzo and I both have totally "called it" again and again as the beginning of the United States' march up through Poland and towards Moscow started a few years back.

Now, since I want future generations to believe I was the awesomest, most best, freaky dude to ever "rock out withi his cock out!" I want credit for my overwhelming track record at calling a lot of stuff and then conveniently only remember the ones that were right.

Nostradamus can chow my taint.

Badger Snatch

Only wookie bush is funnier.

The simple back and forth is plain

the old rhythm's the same.

Nut Zippers

Righty tighty, lefty loosey.

Home Depot

I'm not talking about mecha-mouth, Hank.

Hello Kitty

We've got the funk.

Wonder where that rug went?

Frankles? Is that the one at your house?

Just add vodka five times in the mirror.

Engrish.com, you complete me.

Hello, Mr. Shintoist

Merry fuckin' Christmas.

Probably watching Scanners

God is love. Love is futile.

Fallopian Dreams

For the life of me, I can't figure out why this is funny.

Deshamframulatrixator

It's up to you, New York New York!

Rob: This Cat's For You

[Insert Holiday unrelated greeting here]!

Kwanzaabot = L.L. Cool J?

Suck on it!

Dear Jesus: Put a smile on, 'cause it's your birthday, bitch!

Merry Christmas, Mofos!

I'm just posting this so I remember to look at it later when I'm not at work.

http://digg.com/celebrity/Scarlett_Johansson_as_a_member_of_the_Pussycat_Dolls

File Under Cool

I'm really excited that I will soon be able to use my wiimote as a PC mouse. The software is being created as we speak and some of the demonstrations were really cool. All you need is a bluetooth adapter for your PC. Now I just need a video card with an HDMI out and HELLO Really Sweet Home Theatre PC setup. However cool that is, this video might actually be cooler.

Photo Blitz

 
It doesn't say where the Asshats and Douchetards factor in.

Photo Blitz

 
Who like Maxim?

Photo Blitz

 
Even if it offends you, it's still hilarious.

Photo Blitz

 
Looks nothing like it.

Photo Blitz

Worst Car Ad Ever

Photo Blitz

Best Car Ad Ever

Virginians: West Virginians with money?

Can anyone find an instance where Congressman Ellison was "demanding the use of the Koran?"
Obviously, anything from Thinkprogress should be taken with a grain of salt. They have an agenda just like everyone else. The quotes from Goode's letter appear legitimate and can by verified on other sites.

Does the fact that the founding fathers, who were members of a largely homogenous society whose shared religious views were under no threat, found it necessary to put very specific protections for the freedom of religion into the document on which our country is founded mean nothing to people?

Does the fact that this is a nation of immigrants mean nothing to people?

Goode's family came over here on a boat just like everyone elses'.

I wonder why they came. I think if his family came here for better wages and opportunities, or to escape persecution and oppression, or any of the other reasons immigrants come here today we should hold Goode to his own flames and ship his whole damned family back to wherever they came from.

Subject: Virtual Console.

I've just discovered that Military Madness for the T16 is now up on the Virtual Console. If any of you are wondering what might be a good cheap Christmas gift for Whackly:

WII Points cards in any amount. (available at Target and other fine retailers)

Running Around Like a Chicken..

With your head cut off. I remember hearing this many times in my youth...and although it was real...thanks to reflex actions...I never thought that one could actually survive the fatal blow and live for 18 months!

If you're here reading this, you're safe.

Mental Fiber readers are a cut above the rest. What's difference between you and everone else? You wouldn't do this:

Voice Acting

Is a lost art. Just ask Billy West, or John Dimaggio, or any of the great voice actors who have a hand in so many projects most people don't even realize it. It's a travesty that the "In" thing to do is use these "CELEBRITY" voices to voice characters for movies... The name draws, but the voice acting can be horrendous...how many times do we need to hear Robin Williams Genie Impression reincarnated for the bazillionth time?

Anyway, this clip shows the Family Guy Cast voicing some of the show. Mila Kunis is really the only "celebrity" throw in on this show. Seth Green is in the show, but his voicing of Chris doesn't sound anything like Seth.

Family Guy Voice Session

Holiday Funnies

Just a reminder:

I'm not only hilarious, but prophetic as well.

Console Neglect...

Sort of like spousal neglect? Don't think so...but isn't it great how the 360 Voice "Blog" makes you feel guilty for not gaming?

Whackly's Weekly Recap - 12/11/2006

Do you know what time of the week it is? Time to talk about what happened these last seven days: This is going to be the most exciting one ever! Ready?... ok not really... Whackly stood me up seven days in a row... it hurts... right where my heart should be.


Given, Whackly has pretty much forgotten his Xbox 360, there is something wrong with an inanimate object making you feel guilty for not using it.

But, as wrong as it is...the 360 blog has a point. Whackly, where are you? You get a Wii, and now the 360 is like dog sheisse? I'm calling YOU OUT!!!!!!

Holiday Funnies

Mystery Car

I bought a Mystery Matchbox car for my little dude. It was a regular Matchbox package but the plastic bubble was black so you couldn't see what car was inside. I figured it had to be cool.
He opened it and inside was a black Batmobile looking car. It says "DC Comics" on the bottom so it must actually be a Batmobile of some sort or another. It's pretty cool. I thought I'd share it with all of you just 'cause... well 'cause... I am the Batman.

One of the main purposes of art?

Would you agree that, for an artist, one of the main purposes of creating artwork is to try and make it plain to the world that you were traumatized as a child, but in such a way that you can still explain it away as meaningless innocense to your family?

Guess who got molested!

Um... did I see a beaver?

Look, I saw the title. It says "Hit by washing machines falling from 30ft." I thought that sounded hilarious so I clicked on it. I'm sorry, but I did. Well it turns out it's a tribute video for some poor lady who was, apparently, hit by a washing machine.... or something. I dunno. All I know is I thought I'd watch just for the hell of it. There were some shots of her injuries in the video. And... well... it was hard to tell what exactly they were shots of. So... you fuckin' tell me!

NAME THAT COOTER:

This is why mass murderers usually have high IQs.

This represents how I feel every day.

Holiday Funnies

My generous boss (not one of the cheap, non-existent ones) told his support staff that if we wanted something for Christmas we would have to submit a letter to Santa.

I submitted this letter this morning:

Dear Santa,

Look here, old man. You don’t like me and I know it. I don’t like you either. I don’t know what I did to piss you off but… scratch that. I have some idea. I can assure you, no matter what you’ve been told, my parent’s divorce was NOT my fault and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop punishing me for it. I know, I know. Save your guilt trips. You knew damned well, in 1993, that the ugly sweater and single Batman comic book you brought me was a cheap shot. Save your clichés. If it’s the thought that counts then screw you double. Yes, that issue of Batman was the first issue to feature the villain “Anarchy” and is now worth a fair bit of scratch but you got lucky and don’t think I don’t know it. Besides, an old roommate stole that comic book. In fact, he stole it while I was at my sister’s house for Christmas in 1997. You remember that year, right? That was the year I drove from Sterling to Whitewater in a freakin’ blizzard only to find you had gotten me an off-brand CD boom box and some wool socks that come with a “These socks are made by tribal elders and sold to raise money for the shepherd children of Nepal” sort of sob story that makes you just sure they’re going to be itchy as hell. And you know what? They were. In fact, that’s how I found out I was allergic to wool. Merry f-ing Christmas to you, too.

This year I pretty much figured I’d awaken to find that somebody had taken a dump on my living room rug and left hoof prints in the hood of my car. My boss, [Boss' name], has assured me, however, that you have reformed. He has encouraged me to take on last stab at a letter to Santa and it is at his urging that I do so now. I’ll forgive you, Santa. But so you help you god… if you… well, let’s just not find out.

This year, Santa, I am aiming to purchase a Panasonic Lumix® DMC-FX01K Digital Camera for myself after the holidays. This particular model of digital camera has a lens and mount made by Leica. That may not mean much to you but it’s the sort of thing that gets camera nerds off. You’ll have to trust me. A Circuit City gift card in any amount would help me out.

I’ve been good. Check your file. At least 100 times this year I’ve graced a stranger by withholding a beating that was well deserved. My mother in law is still alive. I should be canonized just for that. I haven’t even stolen anything from work (I know there’s a set of [Merchandise] in my trunk but I’m totally not keeping them). I’m trying real hard to believe in your magic, Santa.


Sincerely,

[My full name]

P.S. [Boss' name] said he’d make sure you get this letter and I trust him. So don’t even try to say you didn’t get it if I end up having to hunt you down.

All gift descriptions from prior years are accurate, though my feelings about them may not be.

Holiday Funnies

I'm Back...Baby...

So, after months of being away...I guess I should blog a bit...I'm back from the wilderness...hopefully just like James Kim will be soon. Whackly I hope you are right, and he is found alive. I don't want this to be a repeat of Grizzly Man, cause unlike that guy James Kim is an upstanding guy...and not a total nutcase.

So this link really makes me laugh. The dirtiest names in sports. Only one of the guys in here I have heard of...but they all look legit.

Engrish in itself is hilarious. But when you combine engrish with Paris Hilton...it makes for even more hilarity!

Take THAT Mezzo!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/object/default?o=0&f=/c/a/2006/12/04/BAGR2MP9383.DTL&type=default

Names Changed To Protect The Guilty

A few of you have questioned the level of frustration I feel at my job. Some (like my Dad) have told me it wouldn't be any different anywhere else. LIES, I say! I've worked a lot of places but no company I have ever worked at was as efficient at fucking up a good product as the one I work at now. I want to be clear (not just covering my ass) that the things said in the following piece do not reflect my opinion of the people I work with, directly, in St. Cloud. Once you leave St. Cloud and start looking at the company in general, and especially our corporate office and call center, every bit of it applies. In fact, compared to the company's broader reality, the following letter is actually understated. Some of you will have read the actual un-edited version of the following letter and will know who it was to, from, and about. I have had no personal contact with the person to whom this letter was addressed but it does represent the general feeling amongst the employees I know concerning the upper levels of management.

The following is a real letter of resignation written by someone who quit yesterday. This person worked in a different city, in a different state, and at a different job from myself. Her name, the name of the company, and the name of the intended recipient have been [Anonymized]. It's a great example of how NOT to end your relationship with a company. That said, though we may never say it, we're all thinking it.

Presented For Your Approval:


Dear [Anonymous Corporate Mgmt Type],

You will probably notice that I am not the first person to jump off this ship before it sinks. I’ve cracked the code on how you all have “managed” (pun intended) to run away so many qualified employees in a growing economy. Perhaps my leaving will save the company enough money to train the management on quality leadership. TQL series can be quite expensive, but I am sure [Anonymous Company] would approve that sort of expenditure rather than continue wasting money training new people who stay a month and move on. Our constant turn over might be considered by some to be a bad sign. But not by this companies clueless management, whose inane directives and seemingly limitless ability to patronize, demotivate and pass the buck, has made [Anonymous Company] what it is today.

As an employee of [Anonymous Company] I had very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct line supervisors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. Consistent annoying micro-managing of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, made it impossible to optimally function. I can only surmise that you all really don’t care about employee retention. Micro management is the primary complaint of disgruntled [Anonymous Company] employees.

You walk around your office all day, shiftlessy looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that obviously worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert Principal.

My only regret is that I will not be able to see the progression of the [Anonymous City] market with the new VP, GM and RSM, as I have seen sales and moral improving from when I first began this journey with [Anonymous Company] The best of luck to you all, it was a pleasure working with you.

I tried to stick in there until the 1st but due to circumstances beyond my control, see management, this letter will also serve as my resignation.

With warmest regards,

[Anonymous]
EX-[Anonymous Company] SSR

P.S. In closing, I can’t help but to think maybe if I would have come to work drunk and high and taken 2 hour lunches with other managers on my pcard then maybe I too would have been treated more favorably.

Peace Loving and Inclusive: Scientology