Holiday Funnies
My generous boss (not one of the cheap, non-existent ones) told his support staff that if we wanted something for Christmas we would have to submit a letter to Santa.
I submitted this letter this morning:
Dear Santa,
Look here, old man. You don’t like me and I know it. I don’t like you either. I don’t know what I did to piss you off but… scratch that. I have some idea. I can assure you, no matter what you’ve been told, my parent’s divorce was NOT my fault and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop punishing me for it. I know, I know. Save your guilt trips. You knew damned well, in 1993, that the ugly sweater and single Batman comic book you brought me was a cheap shot. Save your clichés. If it’s the thought that counts then screw you double. Yes, that issue of Batman was the first issue to feature the villain “Anarchy” and is now worth a fair bit of scratch but you got lucky and don’t think I don’t know it. Besides, an old roommate stole that comic book. In fact, he stole it while I was at my sister’s house for Christmas in 1997. You remember that year, right? That was the year I drove from Sterling to Whitewater in a freakin’ blizzard only to find you had gotten me an off-brand CD boom box and some wool socks that come with a “These socks are made by tribal elders and sold to raise money for the shepherd children of Nepal” sort of sob story that makes you just sure they’re going to be itchy as hell. And you know what? They were. In fact, that’s how I found out I was allergic to wool. Merry f-ing Christmas to you, too.
This year I pretty much figured I’d awaken to find that somebody had taken a dump on my living room rug and left hoof prints in the hood of my car. My boss, [Boss' name], has assured me, however, that you have reformed. He has encouraged me to take on last stab at a letter to Santa and it is at his urging that I do so now. I’ll forgive you, Santa. But so you help you god… if you… well, let’s just not find out.
This year, Santa, I am aiming to purchase a Panasonic Lumix® DMC-FX01K Digital Camera for myself after the holidays. This particular model of digital camera has a lens and mount made by Leica. That may not mean much to you but it’s the sort of thing that gets camera nerds off. You’ll have to trust me. A Circuit City gift card in any amount would help me out.
I’ve been good. Check your file. At least 100 times this year I’ve graced a stranger by withholding a beating that was well deserved. My mother in law is still alive. I should be canonized just for that. I haven’t even stolen anything from work (I know there’s a set of [Merchandise] in my trunk but I’m totally not keeping them). I’m trying real hard to believe in your magic, Santa.
Sincerely,
[My full name]
P.S. [Boss' name] said he’d make sure you get this letter and I trust him. So don’t even try to say you didn’t get it if I end up having to hunt you down.
All gift descriptions from prior years are accurate, though my feelings about them may not be.
I submitted this letter this morning:
Dear Santa,
Look here, old man. You don’t like me and I know it. I don’t like you either. I don’t know what I did to piss you off but… scratch that. I have some idea. I can assure you, no matter what you’ve been told, my parent’s divorce was NOT my fault and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop punishing me for it. I know, I know. Save your guilt trips. You knew damned well, in 1993, that the ugly sweater and single Batman comic book you brought me was a cheap shot. Save your clichés. If it’s the thought that counts then screw you double. Yes, that issue of Batman was the first issue to feature the villain “Anarchy” and is now worth a fair bit of scratch but you got lucky and don’t think I don’t know it. Besides, an old roommate stole that comic book. In fact, he stole it while I was at my sister’s house for Christmas in 1997. You remember that year, right? That was the year I drove from Sterling to Whitewater in a freakin’ blizzard only to find you had gotten me an off-brand CD boom box and some wool socks that come with a “These socks are made by tribal elders and sold to raise money for the shepherd children of Nepal” sort of sob story that makes you just sure they’re going to be itchy as hell. And you know what? They were. In fact, that’s how I found out I was allergic to wool. Merry f-ing Christmas to you, too.
This year I pretty much figured I’d awaken to find that somebody had taken a dump on my living room rug and left hoof prints in the hood of my car. My boss, [Boss' name], has assured me, however, that you have reformed. He has encouraged me to take on last stab at a letter to Santa and it is at his urging that I do so now. I’ll forgive you, Santa. But so you help you god… if you… well, let’s just not find out.
This year, Santa, I am aiming to purchase a Panasonic Lumix® DMC-FX01K Digital Camera for myself after the holidays. This particular model of digital camera has a lens and mount made by Leica. That may not mean much to you but it’s the sort of thing that gets camera nerds off. You’ll have to trust me. A Circuit City gift card in any amount would help me out.
I’ve been good. Check your file. At least 100 times this year I’ve graced a stranger by withholding a beating that was well deserved. My mother in law is still alive. I should be canonized just for that. I haven’t even stolen anything from work (I know there’s a set of [Merchandise] in my trunk but I’m totally not keeping them). I’m trying real hard to believe in your magic, Santa.
Sincerely,
[My full name]
P.S. [Boss' name] said he’d make sure you get this letter and I trust him. So don’t even try to say you didn’t get it if I end up having to hunt you down.
All gift descriptions from prior years are accurate, though my feelings about them may not be.
posted by Unknown at 4:37 PM
10 Comments:
I've since come up with a new plan for the camera but thanks to Mezzo I know where my CC gift card will go.
LOL. You *may* feel differently about the gifts than you said in the letter. You may have lied to Santa? You LIED to SANTA?! Say it isn't so.
LOL,scecina...i had snake mountain!!
yeah santa is always ripping us off..getting us cheap alternatives to the real presents that we want
if it weren't for us wanting presents ,he'd be out of a job!!!!
That chubby fucker! If you see him, shoot him.
Points for the Anarky reference. You are a true nerd and a true friend. ;)
hahha, totally knew you'd get lots of conversation from this one.
"All gift descriptions from prior years are accurate, though my feelings about them may not be."
You really liked the socks, didn't you?
yes, i did. also, the cd player was actually from my mom and she was SUPER broke that year and bought me the nicest one she could afford (divorce is expensive). i used it for years and never once judged it on the basis that you couldn't find a brand name on it, anywhere.. no matter how hard you tried.
Itchy socks from Nepal. That cracks me up. The coolest gift I got from santa was an ewok village and a speeder bike one year. That was the BEST. Whackly, you still remember that ewok village don't you? it was the only piece of star wars toydom that I possessed that you didn't! LOL
not true! you had all sorts of star wars toys i didn't. I had a snow speeder, x-wing, mos eisley cantina, two speeder bikes, and i think that was it... that and the figures.. i was always SO jealous of the kids that had the falcon.. those jerks
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