OK... remember what Dave says about paragraphs.... breath... and HERE WE GO
Allright motherf*ckers, suck on Guns and f*cking Roses (they're an awesome band no matter what you say).
I hate my job. Do you hate your job? I hate mine. What do we hate children?
Job
What are speaking in children?
Unison
Yes, you hate it too.
If a customer calls into the abyssmal pit stain that is my department my only function is to determine whether the problem this cross-eyed piepuncher is experiencing is on our end or their end. It it's on our end there's nothing I can do. Because of the sale of my company, the transition to the new company, and the general incompetant beurocracy of business in a society that frowns on corporal punishment I am completely impotent (don't worry, I can get a raging hard-on... just not at work). You see, if some Central Minnesotan pulls his cock out of his holstein, goes online to buy more strawberry kiwi butt lube, fires up IE, sees a "page cannot be displayed" error, calls me and by some miracle of the great satan his problem actually is caused by us, the isp, rather than his router, Norton Anti-Virus, or spyware I can do nothing. We used to have 5-7 trouble calls (a tech appointment between 5 and 7 PM). We don't anymore. Somebody quit and why fucking replace them, right? Yesterday was the last day of 5-7 trouble calls. The tech that was working these 5-7s for the last time could have taken another so when I called dispatch I was disgusted to find out that they will not longer give us appointments same day or make exceptions of any kind for the good of the customer. Only business customers with an emergency can get those points. Essentially that means that if I was on the phone with a customer who was home on a day off (and I was) I couldn't send a tech out that day because dispatch won't allow it but I can't schedule an appointment later on because we only do appointments between 8 AM and 5 PM and this silly customer has a FUCKING JOB. Basically the idea is that if a customer has a job they are fucked and we can never fix their problem. We don't even do Saturday appointments anymore. Fuck customers, right? Who fucking needs them. But we're supposed to be proud that our customers don't have to wait on hold to find out we can't help them. Their call gets answered within seconds... which is more important than actually helping them somehow.
Apparently everyone at work thinks I am a bitter and unhappy person except Steve. Steve says that's because he really is bitter and unhappy and that compared to him I'm normal. Great. I'm normal compared to Steve. Well, for all of you who think I'm bitter and unhappy... Joke's on you. I hope you think of my bitter unhappiness when I am at home with my wife and son with a big smile on my face and you are alone in a house full of people trying to figure out why your beer isn't telling you what to do with your life... eh-hem... bite me.
(I'm rereading this days later and it seems like these two paragraphs are related but they aren't)(and That^|^|^|^|^|^|^|^|^|^up there^|^|^|^|^|^|^|^|^ isn't about anyone specific... in fact it partially a flashback to for Mezzo concerning and earlier time... at Beloit College)
Is it so damned hard to just do your job? Is it some kind of sport to find the bare minimum that you can do to maintain your employement and then cut corners on that? Couldn't a sales rep just once punch the account number into CoreOS correctly? Couldn't Al*Fucking***dro (name masked to protect the guilty) just fix one fucking thing? And I mean really fix it, not make up some bullshit excuse and put it off on someone else or call a cable tech out to fix something he is fully trained on but doesn't want to fix because it's cold outside. Just one would be enough. Just to prove he can do it. I'm sure there is time between back alley blowjobs from satanically conjured trailer skank and personal tech assistance calls with no work order for inept pc repair on COMPANY TIME for him to actually DO SOME FUCKING WORK. I could take out Al*fucking***dro and replace it with about 6 other names. You know who you are and you know you should really stop conjring trailer skank just to get your hobgoblin gobbled. I mean, c'mon. Do you need satan for sexual gratification? Don't you have any pets you dirty dirty cat-fucker? No nephews either (for the triple dirty)?(Rereading days later again... this isn't about anyone specific either... except A*Fucking***dro, or "Fez" as I heard him affectionately yet still offensively referred to not long ago. That was damned rude of you and I feel guilty for laughing) .. :(
I'm taking CA calls again. I've made a realization. CA customers are no more moronic or silly than MN customers. In order to be moronic or sill they would have to be human beings. They are more like human wereings. You'll see what I mean in a few sentences. This is the fundamental difference: A CA customer calls in and says "I have a question. I've had your sevice for 9 months and my email is constantly going down." and then stops and waits for you to respond despite not having asked a question of any kind. Not a good way to start a call with someone who listens to whiney adult babies cry and bitch all day. Annoying and dumb... and also an invitation for the tech to say "Funny, we haven't had any reports of the internet going down on anyone else! I wish I had your internet." A MN customer calls in and says "I can't access my email, am I in the right department?" The MN customer gets treated better because from the beginning he or she has kept the focus. The MN customer calls assuming that we will help them if they ask. The CA customer calls in assuming that we won't help them, even if they ask, and that they will somehow have to trick us or inspire us to help them by overexagerating the problem. The MN customer gets helped and the CA customer gets helped. But the CA call takes way longer because we have to wade through copious exposition, dramamtics, and silliness to get to the root of the issue. Minnesota customers are ignorant adults and California customers are ignorant children. Minnesota customers answer questions. California customer think questions concerning troubleshooting are a violation of their privacy. Minnesota customers are dumb. California customers aren't dumber, they are INHUMAN. Their selfishness is monumental, their patiences is withered and grey, and their minds are soft and gangrenous. They are zombies. Bio-mechanical automatons manufactured and cultivated to consume America's cultural waste and recycle it into self-worth. Porcine truflle snufflers though they be they are still customers deserving of assistance. That is, of course, unless the problem is on our end in which case there is no longer a damned thing we can do about it.
Some custoemrs are still idiots AND human. I talked to a lady last night that had called in on the 19th to make a payment arrangement because she was past due. She was on the verge of being disconnected. She placed a disconnect order for her phone service and promised to pay the past due that day (the 19th). She also said she would bring in her digital cable boxes to reduce her cable bill and go down to just the Basic+ cable. That was supposed to be done yesterday. Neither were done. She didn't pay on the 19th. She didn't return the equipment or pay yesterday, either. She got disconnected for non-payment. She yelled and yelled and yelled and yelled and yelled at me. She insisted that since she had a payment arrangement she should not have been disconnected. It didn't matter to her that she had failed to meet the payment arrangement that was made. It was obvious that she never had the money and had used the ploy to buy time so that she could have internet for her "online class" on Monday and she didn't care about anything else. This woman was destined to meet the consequences of her dishonesty at some point. I hope she gets and incomplete in the class. I listened and listened and listened and she yelled and yelled and yelled. Then she said that if I wasn't going to turn her back on she would switch to Charter. She can't. It's all the same company now and you can't switch. Seriously. YOU ACTUALLY CAN'T. They won't even place the order. So I laughed. It was funny. And she screamed frustrated fire at me and hung up. I'm not a billing rep. It's not my job to nurture, coddle, and then milk these assholes.
My boss has checked out. More power to him. I wish I could keep getting paid by being at my desk 20 minutes a day, too. However it is making my life harder and I don't like it. That's a tough issue for me. I don't want to hate the playa but I am full on hating the game.
By far the biggest stress in my life is my house. Well I've been reading my paperwork. We signed an arbitration agreement. I don't even have to sue the bitch. I can just force her to buy the house. In arbitration she has nothing. She has no leg to stand on. She clearly, and purposely violated our contract. I am going to take out all my mother-in-law anger on the buyer of my house. That will be cool.
I'm all done... I had a list like 40 items long to talk about buy I'm spent. I'm off tomorrow. Perhaps I will use that time after the family goes to bed to get really ripped and pound out hate blog that uberholes this one.
