Review: The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe

I have decided that, since we all know the story, the idea, and the propaganda machine behind this movie I will forgo a review of the movie and review the actual experience.

I saw this movie at the Parkwood 18, an medicore little multiplex in a backwards town. I left early for this movie to stop at the ATM machine since the Theatre doesn't take checks or credit cards. I realized, however, that I had exactly enough cash in my pockets to get in so I skipped the ATM and arrived super early. Arriving super early sucks. So I drove around the parking lot for a few minutes, doing the chicken dance in my car until I figured it was time to go in. I bought my ticket and took a seat at a bench outside Theatre #1 and watched a security guard check tickets for Theatre #3. Apparently they had a bunch of gate crashers trying to see Hostel. I could see the security guard eyeing a group of teens on another bench next to the GIANT MLI:III cardboard bo-wheeeeeee-muth. The bench was comfortable. The carpet was pleasantly patterned. I give this portion of the waiting a B. I did get bored, however, and decide that I should go out to my car and get my cell phone. I had begun to wonder if anyone else was going to show up for this movie. On my way out to the car I met up with Crapnasty, who was dressed as the Unabomber. She informed me that Somthing Dirty should be arriving soon so we waited near the door. We watched her go to the South side of the parking lot. Failing to find an acceptable spot we continued to watch as she moved to the North end of the lot. I give this part of the waiting a C, mostly because I had done a lot of chicken dancing and was having a hard time "maintaining." SD arrived and was not dressed as the unabomber. Black shirt, black sweater. Thin. Not appropriate for winter. No winter coat. Obviously of Norweigian descent( Or Canadian Spy?). SD, CN, and I finished our ticket purchases and headed to the concession stand. There was a line. I had no intention of purchasing anything so I went around the corner and walked up and down the long, quiet hallway with my arm stretched out and my ticket buzzing against the aggregate stuck to the wall. Who covers a wall with rocks. Is it for acoustic purposes? It makes a cool buzzing noise when you run the edge or your ticket across it. I'll tell you that much. When did it become standard for new movies to advertise at theaters with huge 11 foot tall cardboard leaners? That is lame. I give this part of my wait an A. We made it to the theatre. We proceeded, to my delight, all the way up front. We were in the 2nd row. That was cool. Just like when I was a child. Who cares about the distortion. IT'S HUGE!!!! Yeah... so, for anyone who doesn't know, I am completely socially allergic. It's not important to you, I'm sure, but it might make the rest of this review seem less... I dunno... insane? So we are all sitting down. Movie theaters have to do something about seats. Anyone taller than 5'8" can't really sit comfortably in these seats. They are much to low to the ground. I suppose it is possible that you could be over 5'8" and be comfortable but you'd have to have really short calves and knees no higher than those of someone under 5'8". That's really my only gripe about theatre seats, except that they force people to sit really close together. I took my seat next to SD who said she didn't want to be in the middle but didn't move. I think she thinks I'm creepy but I don't really care (I mean, I'm not really creepy, I'm just hollow inside. Maybe some people think I'm kinda gruff and wierd but nice inside or maybe they think that I'm barely civil but on the inside, truly evil. That's the fun part. There's nothing inside. I am the facade. That's it. That's all there is. In the center is just an inert grey void. How creepy is that, really? LOL). Now, given my natural predelection for pimping in chairs it turns out sitting so far up front was a bad idea. The chairs up front are pimped for you. They are laid way back to avoid neck strain, I'm sure. What this means is that when I sat far enough forward to rest my leg agaist the back of the seat in front of me when my legs are crossed I was practically laying down. This was quite comfortable, actually. In fact, I feared I would fall asleep. I hid SDs soda when she left to pee but CN, I guess, thought I just wanted to move it and told her where it was the moment she got back. No fun at all. SD is shorter than I had really realized. She was about even with my right shoulder and I was sitting pretty low in the chair. From her point of view it must have been like sitting next to a wall covered in a sweater that smells like pot smoke and coconuts (I ran out of soap and used my wife's coconut lime stuff... even now I keep smelling myself and thinking I am a Pina Colada. However, if I were a Pina Colada I would make myself puke. Since I don't make myself puke, obviously I am NOT a Pina Colada). Also, I have been coming down with a cold since Thursday so I'm sure I sounded like a slow blacksmith bellows ( I would say that I have gotten a cold but since none or the real serious symptoms have materialized I think I am still in the process of coming down with it. Since having my tonsils out, nearly a year ago, this is only the 2nd time I've gotten sick and both times were mild compared to the monthly head cold blowout I used to get when I still had tonsils.). It is wierd, for someone who is borderline clinical like me, to sit in a movie theatre. It's much closer than I would generally choose to be to anyone other than the wife or my son and yet, because we are all facing the same direction, it's somehow acceptable. All I know is that I would have sat two seats over except that would have seemed psycho. So I pretended to be a normal human and sat down right next to SD. When she laughed I could feel the back of my chair move. Later in the movie when the wolf jumped out she jumped. The seat moved which made me jump. I nearly had to leave the theatre. CN thought each preview looked like a "Good movie." Thank God she was kidding. I don't remember which movies were advertised but I do remember thinking that at least one of them looked like it sucked ass and none of the others were impressive enough for me to remember. That part of the waiting I give a B. Then the movie started. Then it ended. The credits rolled. Then the movie started up again. I HATE THAT. We all went our seperate ways. We spoke little before, little during, little after. I wonder if that's all that's required. Somehow we've all decided that going to a movie alone is lame and so we go as a group even if we never act, communicate, or commune as a group. Is that it? I dunno. hmm........... is that it? It was really slippery on the drive home and I was still a little "tired" from all the "chicken dancing." I give that a D because I drove really slow and carefully and was mentally exhausted. I really need to get that Anti-Lock brake problem fixed. My brakes work but the Anti-Lock doesn't. The light comes on along with the tire pressure and trac-off lights. I think I have a bad tire pressure sensor. All I know is it started when I got some brake work done and I have been too busy to go back.