Saturday, March 29, 2008

Unknown Said...

Safari For Windows... Fuck it.

I was excited to install Safari and try it out. It smoked IE and Firefox on speed but it was unnoticeably faster than Opera, if at all. It was missing some functionality that anyone advanced enough to look into alternative browers would miss. It didn't seem as "lightweight" as I was led to believe when it came to system resources. Not of those were a deal breaker. It did work. It was stable and had an advantage over Opera in that it is one of the 3 browsers that websites develope to be compatible with. There was a deal-breaking down side, though. This morning I noticed it had installed something called "Bonjour" on my machine and downloaded some crap, then attempted to get me to install quicktime and itunes under by implying those programs were an "update" to Safari. With the K-Lite codec pack I don't need quicktime to play .mov or .aac files and there's no way in hell I'm going to put iTunes on any of my machines... ever... ever ever ever (though I was dumb enough to install Sony's SonicStage software which is way way way way way worse... but I can't use my Sony MP3 player without it). I didn't like the idea of saying no to the updates and being reminded every 6 hours to update by Apple and I certainly didn't like the idea of Apple pushing other products on my by sort of disguising them as updates to Safari. Shame! Happy trails, Safari and Bonjour. CCleaner is mopping up your leavings as we speak.
Unknown Said...

To make up for my super long TV post...

...  here are some youtube vids that made me laugh this week.

Raxill: For the embarrassment of chapped lips @ 1:12 and the rest is crap.


Dick 2the Dawk 2the PHD.


Front Fell Off Revisited.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Unknown Said...

Pimpin' Product for no good reason.

I just wanted to take a moment to pimp a product, or a company, or both. It is not a paid endorsement (who the hell would pay for my favorable opinion?) and just to make sure you believe that I'm going to use the word cunt several times in the post since nobody on earth would want their product associated with that word... exept makers of artificial anatomically correct masterbatory... well... let's just say nobody.

... cunt...

I don't like saying that word. Just typing it is a visceral thrill.

Anyhow. I bought a TV. I bought a Vizio TV. I knew of the Vizio brand but had considered them to be something of the Hyundai, Kia, or Daewoo of televisions. I've owned a Hyundai, though, and it was nice. My mom drives one now. They've only gotten better since I had one. This car shit (cunt) is pointless. The point is I thought of Vizio as a value brand I didn't take it seriously. However, in my price range, my options were quite limited. Sony had a 32 inch Bravia that wasn't even 1080p. Teh suck. The Vizio was 42 inches AND 1080p. Excellent. So I set about doing some research on this 42" Vizio Gallevia. I couldn't find any problems with it. I couldn't find a single bad review that said anything relevant. I remember reading one review that had a terrible score for quality, ease of use, value, and everything and then included 800 words about how Circuit City had screwed them and the salesperson was rude and on and on and on and on and cunt. Then one sentence at the end stating something like "The TV is great, though." That was the worst review I could find. I decided, based on that info, to buy this TV. It came, it worked, it conquered. It's relentless drive to annex my heart as part of its new and fantastic entertainment empire, however, was stopped during a weekend gaming session when I noticed a sparkly abberation on the screen that I will refer to as "Waterloo." It was like the Prussians of bad luck and the English (and the Irish and the... fuck it..) the Anglo alliance of bad timing had, led by the Duke of Wellington of ruining relaxing weekends and the Gebhard Von Blucher of paranoid feelings of oncoming doom, decided to take a crap in the electronic components of my new TV. If the TV was on for more than 5 minutes, with any source at all, it would begin to disply little sparlkles in horizontal lines accross the screen and also along the profiles of areas of sharp contrast transitions. It's hard to explain. That's why I took a picture.

Don't see it? Click on it to see the full rez version. You'll notice. Then imagine it on a 42 inch screen.

It was the weekend when the problem started so I couldn't call. No 24 hour tech support. This is a bad start. I'm angry. There is a tech support email address, though. I use it. No angry bitching. No hyperbole (not at all like anything from my blog... cunt). Just a list of facts, troubleshooting step tried, contact and registration information, and a couple of photos demonstrating the problem. I sent the email, not because I expected results, but because I was frustrated and figured that by sending it I could convince myself that I was doing something about it and subsequently relax a bit. We limped through the weekend without the TV. We had to *gasp* interact with each other... as a family... ... all weekend. I don't even want to talk about it. Even now when we pass each other in the hall we'll begin to try and say something but stop knowing that even though we want the memory of our common shame to go away speaking of it would only bring things to the surface that are best left buried (of course I'm not serious... *cunt). Monday finally came and we all went to work or daycare or whatever the hell the other 2/3 of my family does when I'm not around them. Somewhere around the middle of the day I got an email response stating (paraphrase) that "We think the problem is with the mainboard. We'll have someone out by the end of the week. Don't worry, there won't be any charges." I nearly fainted. I couldn't believe that I was going to get what I wanted without having to:
-wait on hold for 3 hours, talk to a dude with a heavy Indian accent but said his name is Edgar,
-go through every single troubleshooting step "Edgar" could read out of his giant "telephone troubleshooting for people who know nothing about the objects they are actually troubleshooting" flow-chart,
-be told the problem was actually my wireless router,
-transfer to a supervisor,
-get dropped,
-and repeat the previous steps 4 times until I attempt to kill myself and my sympathetic friends buy me a new TV.
-???
-Profit

We went a week without being able to use the TV for more than 30 minutes before it would become unwatchable and need to be turned off for a while. The problem was also getting steadily worse. Vizio was as good as its word. The dude came out. I didn't meet him but the wife said he was nice and courteous. He replaced the part, reassembled the TV, and was on his way out when it started happening again. MOTHERFUCK(cunt)!

I was still positive though. Before the problem had appeared the TV looked and functioned incredibly. And up until that part Vizio had done everything a company could reasonably do. They had done it quickly. There had been no hassles or troubles for me. I was still positive, but I could see Kilroy looking over the hill at me. I knew that every extra stem the likelyhood of catastrophic tech support failure became higher. In my head I was chanting "7s and 11s, baby!" but I secretly knew I was going to roll snake eyes.

The tech called Vizio and let them know the part replacement didn't work. That was a Friday night. The following Monday I got another email apologizing that the problem had not been remedied with the replacement parts and that someone would be calling me soon to arrange the delivery of my new TV. They would also be carting away the old one. I nearly fainted again. I wasn't going to have to box up the TV and ship it to Vizio on my own dime and then wait, without even crappy rainbow sparkle Waterloo TV until they ship one back? Seriously? No ridiculously bureaucratic RMA process? No repeating my whole ordeal to 75 people over the phone to find someone who cared enough to help(Dell, HP, Toshiba, U.S. Robotics, Comcast, Cingular, Direct TV, Charter, Microsoft, Lucasarts, Sony... I'm looking at YOU- -Vizio and Nintendo, I'm not looking at you)? I didn't even have an ordeal to bitch about if I'd found someone willing to listen to me explain my ordeal! How dare these assholes. They have taken away one of my greatest joys. Griping about bad customer service is like 1/7th of why I even exist!

There were so many conflicting emotions here. I don't think I'd ever been recipient of good customer service before. I didn't know how to feel. I still feel the problems with my TV had to be an isolated case. If such problems were endemic then there would have been reports of it out there on teh interwebs. There might be but I didn't find them. So I was just the unlucky dude that got the bunk unit. It happens. So when the guys came out, disconnected the defective TV, reconnected the new TV, and hauled the old one away with a smile, a handshake, and slap on the back It was like the first day with my new TV all over again. It was like losing my virginity all over again, only this time I knew where all the buttons and options were (oh god... a time machine.. I could go back and hand myself a note with some tips... maybe a little anatomical map... so many trips down south wasted... sigh).

So I bought a Vizio TV and it was AWESOME, and DOUBLE AWESOME for the money I paid, but after a month it broke. However, Vizio remedied the problem with the most impressive display of efficient and helpful customer service I have ever witnessed. That is not a lie. That is not an exageration. I typed a few words. Answered a few delivery/scheduling calls. Total time investment of less than 15 minutes on my part and the entire issue is resolved and I have a new, working, and absolutely fantastic looking TV (and the BONUS is that it was considerably less expensive than the 42" 1080p LCDs from other brands).

P.S. Cunt

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Unknown Said...

Had To Share It

Sunday, March 02, 2008

Unknown Said...

Cluckmaster Flex: 540 Minutes of Cluck, Vol III, The Final Chapter

Here is today's 3rd intallment. Much like Funkmaster Flex I'll be back with a chapter IV at some point despite the name "The Final Chapter." These are the chickens in their post cooking rest period. I got sick of waiting and put them directly above the coals on the upper rack at the end because the temp had stalled at 145 and I didn't want to eat supper at 8p.m. I know the temp said 153 in an earlier video but after that video I had moved the thermometer inside the evacuated cavity of the chicken and approached the meat from the inside. I'd rather my chicken be slightly dry than underdone. Salmoenella is a sloppy sloppy bitch and I don't want to make friends with it. I don't think this chicken will be too dry, however, since they were dripping chickeny goodness on the coals till the very end and are releasing some liquid even now. I let the final temp hit 169 before I pulled them. Carry over will probably bring them to 174. That's past the recommended temp of 165 but Since I had the thermometer in the breast meat from the inside I figured I'd let it go a little higher to be sure that places where the bones are buried deep in the meat (leg and thigh joint) would get to temp. They smell ridiculous. Now I have to decide if the big one or small one is going in the freezer. My stomach says eat the big one but the memory of my severe battle with "pork sleepagens" and "acute naptosis" after the chops earlier makes me wonder if the smaller one might be the better choice.

Unknown Said...

Success!

We pulled the fatties. "The Boy" and I had a go at one of them, as well as the smallest porkchop as a "test." All was brilliant. I'm calling this round of smoking a success. The chicken was so cheap it could turn out to be unfit for cat foot and I will still have gotten my money's worth just from all the rendered chicken fat that dripped down and basted the chops. It sounds so wrong but it tastes so good. Now I just have to leave the chops and fatty alone until the wife gets home. I can hear them calling me.

Unknown Said...

Makin' the neighbors' dogs go CRAZY!

Fired up at 8:30 A.M. Pork chops ready around 3, I'm guessing, and the chickens ready around 6. Half of everything is going into the freezer. The other half is going to give my family the meatsweats for the rest of the day.

P.S. The black thing is a rock. A piece of concrete actually, that I set on top of the coals and put smoking pellets or chips on.