I got your Tachyon beam, right here!
Thanks to some links that one of our readers posted on a Star Trek forum we have recently gained a new readership. For the last few days our hit counter has been working overtime. In honor of our new guests Mezzo suggested we post something geared toward our new readers. I thought this was an excellent idea but, sadly, hadn't a clue on which level these people could be reached. I don't know a bit about unwilling virginity, taping glasses, where to find white pin striped button down short sleave shirts or black Reeboks, larping, etc. In my mind Trekkies (Oh yeah, Trekkers, take that) come from two places. They are would be Star Wars fans who lack the imagination to enjoy a universe that doesn't have a convoluted scientific explanation for all it's fanciful technology OR they are they are Goth Kids who never learned to be self-absorbed and hypocritical. I just don't get it. So ... along those lines... here's what's wrong with Star Trek (please add your own in the comments because there is no way I can list them all).
Deanna Troy: What kind of God Damned psychic can't even READ FUCKING MINDS? Perhaps her psychic powers are really just a parlor trick she picked up from a producer during her days of doing ameteur porn.
Jonathan Frakes: Say what you like about his abilities as a director. Maybe he really is good in that capacity. Who, however, decided he would be the sex symbol on STTNG? He's as ugly as the dry skin on my feet.. if the dry skin on my feet had uneven eyes. The captain calls him piss, his uniform shows he has puffy nipples, and he dragged all those assholes with him to do voices for the Gargoyles cartoon show. Lame.
William Shatner: Do I need to get into this one, really?
Time Travel: You cannot make a quantum field by focusing a tachyon beam on a..... yeah... I'm boring myself... you JUST CAN'T DO IT! Not now, not in the future! Even if you could how come you have to relearn it every time it becomes relevant? Doesn't anyone on the Enterprise ever write anything down?
Oracle Claims: I'm so sick of hearing people say that Star Trek predicted the existence of this and that. I heard someone, recently, claim that Star Trek predicted the invention of automatic sliding doors. You mean like the automatic sliding doors triggered by pressur plates that have been found in ANCIENT ROMAN FUCKING TEMPLES? Those kinds of doors? "The warp engine is a sound scientific princi...." Shut the fuck up. Go bet me a bucket of anti-matter and then talk to me. Oh, I realize that Star Wars and other Sci-Fi universes have faster than light travel but they don't try to explain it with science. It's fantasy. If your fantasy becomes science you are only 8 grave robberies away from a big green lover with bolts in his neck.
Leonard Nimoy: Have you seen the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins video? Oh my fucking god.
Data: How does a freaking robot with no emotions constanty show emotional responses? The only difference between Data and Kryten is that data doesn't have a vacuum attachment in his dick hole. Aside from that they are equally cheesy. Notice I didn't say that Mr. Spiner was the problem. He was wasted on that show. Patrick Stewart, Brent Spiner, and Levar Burton were all too good to be on that show. That's saying alot since Levar Burton's other gig was hosting READING RAINBOW!!!!!
Q: Please, if God had a douche bag older brother....
Tribbles: You can't possibly make a believable enemy of something that looks like the frilly liners people use to keep their bedroom handcuffs from chaffing wrists and ankles. Of course, your average Star Trek fan doens't know much about bedroom fantasies that don't involve a 60 year old woman in a Captain's uniform and an ex-model with cyborg implants on her face.
Wesley Crusher: I'm pretty sure he was just on the show to keep the 45 year old creepy single males watching.
The away team: How does the dude in the red uniform not know by now? If you are suddenly called to go on an away team with all the ships higher ups with whome you have no previous relationship... you're the cannon fodder. Look around you. If you can't immediately tell which one of the people in the room is most likely to die... it's you. If you look around you and there is nobody else there... well... you truly are a Star Trek fan. (w00t-lonely)
Tuvok: What happened in his youth to make him the biggest Vulcan pussy of all time?
Janeway: You freaks actually think she's sexy? Why not microwave a rotten potato and fuck that. Same wrinkles. Same smell (you know... the smell of band-aid plastic and poop). If not then just rub some Flexall 454 on it.
Foreheads with vaginas on them: There's even more than one species! There was a species from DS9 that had, not only a vagina head but also a HIGE concave clitoris right int he middle.
Ferengi: Anti-Semitic stereotype? I rank them right up there with Jar-Jar Binks.
Scottie: He could reroute power through the terciary life support power cuppling to keep the phasers firing but he couldn't take his fucking insulin?
You know, I could have gone on all day but this "piss of the trekkers" rant is boring me now. I've got Firefly to watch.
Deanna Troy: What kind of God Damned psychic can't even READ FUCKING MINDS? Perhaps her psychic powers are really just a parlor trick she picked up from a producer during her days of doing ameteur porn.
Jonathan Frakes: Say what you like about his abilities as a director. Maybe he really is good in that capacity. Who, however, decided he would be the sex symbol on STTNG? He's as ugly as the dry skin on my feet.. if the dry skin on my feet had uneven eyes. The captain calls him piss, his uniform shows he has puffy nipples, and he dragged all those assholes with him to do voices for the Gargoyles cartoon show. Lame.
William Shatner: Do I need to get into this one, really?
Time Travel: You cannot make a quantum field by focusing a tachyon beam on a..... yeah... I'm boring myself... you JUST CAN'T DO IT! Not now, not in the future! Even if you could how come you have to relearn it every time it becomes relevant? Doesn't anyone on the Enterprise ever write anything down?
Oracle Claims: I'm so sick of hearing people say that Star Trek predicted the existence of this and that. I heard someone, recently, claim that Star Trek predicted the invention of automatic sliding doors. You mean like the automatic sliding doors triggered by pressur plates that have been found in ANCIENT ROMAN FUCKING TEMPLES? Those kinds of doors? "The warp engine is a sound scientific princi...." Shut the fuck up. Go bet me a bucket of anti-matter and then talk to me. Oh, I realize that Star Wars and other Sci-Fi universes have faster than light travel but they don't try to explain it with science. It's fantasy. If your fantasy becomes science you are only 8 grave robberies away from a big green lover with bolts in his neck.
Leonard Nimoy: Have you seen the Ballad of Bilbo Baggins video? Oh my fucking god.
Data: How does a freaking robot with no emotions constanty show emotional responses? The only difference between Data and Kryten is that data doesn't have a vacuum attachment in his dick hole. Aside from that they are equally cheesy. Notice I didn't say that Mr. Spiner was the problem. He was wasted on that show. Patrick Stewart, Brent Spiner, and Levar Burton were all too good to be on that show. That's saying alot since Levar Burton's other gig was hosting READING RAINBOW!!!!!
Q: Please, if God had a douche bag older brother....
Tribbles: You can't possibly make a believable enemy of something that looks like the frilly liners people use to keep their bedroom handcuffs from chaffing wrists and ankles. Of course, your average Star Trek fan doens't know much about bedroom fantasies that don't involve a 60 year old woman in a Captain's uniform and an ex-model with cyborg implants on her face.
Wesley Crusher: I'm pretty sure he was just on the show to keep the 45 year old creepy single males watching.
The away team: How does the dude in the red uniform not know by now? If you are suddenly called to go on an away team with all the ships higher ups with whome you have no previous relationship... you're the cannon fodder. Look around you. If you can't immediately tell which one of the people in the room is most likely to die... it's you. If you look around you and there is nobody else there... well... you truly are a Star Trek fan. (w00t-lonely)
Tuvok: What happened in his youth to make him the biggest Vulcan pussy of all time?
Janeway: You freaks actually think she's sexy? Why not microwave a rotten potato and fuck that. Same wrinkles. Same smell (you know... the smell of band-aid plastic and poop). If not then just rub some Flexall 454 on it.
Foreheads with vaginas on them: There's even more than one species! There was a species from DS9 that had, not only a vagina head but also a HIGE concave clitoris right int he middle.
Ferengi: Anti-Semitic stereotype? I rank them right up there with Jar-Jar Binks.
Scottie: He could reroute power through the terciary life support power cuppling to keep the phasers firing but he couldn't take his fucking insulin?
You know, I could have gone on all day but this "piss of the trekkers" rant is boring me now. I've got Firefly to watch.
posted by Unknown at 9:49 AM
10 Comments:
Belive it or not, I agree with you on some of the stuff. But I will say the following:
Troi was an EMPATH, that is she can feel EMOTIONS, not thoughts. She was from a race of TELEPATHS (the kind that can read thoughts), but her momma shacked up with some worthless huh-mahn (Ferengi way of saying human) and made Troi. Now, she can communicate telepathicly with a full Telepath, but not with the thick-skulled homo-sapiens.
Actually, the Ferengi were a rip on capitalism.
Oh, by the way, if you hate Star Trek so much, why do you know so much about it? Given your level of animosity, why did you even watch any of Voyager?
I didn't.. I had to ask Mezzo
jane way was hot, for an older chick. Hell id stick it.
Somebody is cranky!!!
Janeway, and Kess...the three way from hell...yup, one can always dream can't they?
oh yeah, kess was hot too, and you know who the hottest of all was, that chick that was teh klingon chick, i think on voyager, maybe ds9, in real life that chick is a hottie
so, are they still coming to visit? hi trek people!
dunno... you'd have to ask mezzo about that... i would imagine they are, though.. if only to fuel their rage
OMG. You people should take your spare time and find a girl friend.
So should you.
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