Sound Advice with Tad Whackly

If you have a job and get a new one, work them both for a while. Tell all your co-workers. Don't tell your boss. Feel guilty about it. Also, feel relieved that you might actually be leaving your current job behind if you can just find it in yourself to match the enthusiasm of the much younger co-workers at your new, smaller office.


If you go hiking in the woods with friends in an area where there are large mammals, don't be be the slowest one. Invite a lazy friend. Preferably an overweight smoker. Your friends will think this new addition to the group is a drag... until you see the bear.


Never trust a Hommerding.


If your orange juice doesn't work, switch. If your relationships don't work, change. If you're car doesn't work, fix it. If your computer doesn't work, go into a luddite rage and blame your ISP, support reps in India, the Republicans, and anyone else you can so that you don't have to face the fact that you really should have read that EULA when you were installing Limewire.


When firing a gun, aim away from your face.*


When the company you work for doesn't seem to understand its own product, quit.


If you find that, when you leave work, you haven't forgotten work by the time you get home you need to:
1. Move farther away from work.
2. Quit


If your great idea to revolutionize your office involves an acronymn, scrap it and get a good idea instead.


If you're boss hands you $50, take it and understand that this man, regardless of any other issue, is a good man. If your boss is a woman you need to work harder.**


If you find yourself outdoors and drunk, stay away from open water. No matter how appealing it looks just remember that whenever a drunk person goes missing the body is eventually found floating.


If you have to choose between being right and being accepted, choose acceptance. Being right too much makes people dislike you.


If you have to ask, don't. That's what Google is for.


Never watch Fox News. If you find yourself watching Fox News and agreeing, be afraid. Politics aside, you gain nothing from having someone constantly telling what you want to hear and you gain even less by watching something you knew in advance was going to make you mad.


Any movie is a good movie if you can suspend your resistance and just accept it.... like a rape victim.***


Nipples and poop make any joke funnier.


Deer hunting might be an honorable and fruitful venture. It may connect you with the outdoors, teach patience, and allow you to relax. However, unless you're hunting deer with a knife, it's not a sport. Saying otherwise makes you look like the kind of person that kills things for fun. From there it's only one sexually charged and carefully planned murderous step to prison and criminological infamy.


*If you suck, aim at face.
**Just a fucking joke!
***Except Master Of Disguise. That movie is awful.